listening to: manu chao
it's 830 in themorning...

i listened to my m om scream at my father this morning. they're both short sighted and have yet to see it. my mother allows wrath to completely encompass her and swallow her life whole. my father is blind to his inconsistancies. add these up and lets watch the explosions in the sky... (taking that from a band aha. they're decent by the way) but yes. it was interesting this morning nonetheless. who knows whats going to happen. whether she gets over it or not i do not know....


so death cab and at the drive in are an interesting mix for the morning sounds. i rather enjoy this high energy pump in the morning it's good stuff.

man. i reallyneed to write somehting. at least record these interesting little thoughts in my head recently but i have yet to process them so i don't think that it's fair to commit them down. Once i figure out what it is i am thinking or my specific stand then i suppose i'll write but for now there needs to be more contemplation.

also, there's the fact that i need to get back in the habit of writing. i havn't taken the time to write refectivley since the drunken days. and we all kknow those days are over. mmhmm....

oh by the way i quit smoking. gots to find somehting better to do now but at least i'm not smoking. i'm just. well, i guess this is the point in which you gain 20 pounds? hahah i doubt it. i work out too much for that shit to happen plus master min would stop it in a heart beat.


but yes. no more sticks de la cancer. how sad....


ahhaha.

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what's that thing again?

ah. life. crazy. hrm. pwan got a 94 on a chem test... WHAT! hah. i guess it's priscilla who got the grade and pwan who is now sheltered in a little box. i don't mind it htough. i've got alot of things on my plate. i've def been ignoring my other classes way too much and spending tons of time on chem. this is not good. should not be doing this but i am... sadb ut true. anyways...


it's the wild insanities of the night that make life true. it's that after glance, the touch of smirk that makes you want to swallow a person whole. it's the one breath they breathe thatsucks you in and set the whirlwind on fire. it's the physicalility of it all. it's what i miss....


i think i' need to get laid. haha, i think that i'm missing austin just a little bit too much. but hrm. you know there's so much more to write and a heavy mind right now... not now. later. much more elaboration. much more...

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You scored as . Which religion is the right one for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com

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its bloody late.

i can't |sleep|

anything new?

{no}


i'm creating an emotional attachment to a schizophrenic, sociopathic, marine.

ah hah. this is my life.

broken hearts... thats my specialty... thats what happens. i look for broken souls. it's what i do. they make me smile. they match me. cause i match them. i can't help but feel something for someone if they've had quite the fucked up life. if they're broken. he is. theres no doubt in that. such a tragic life lived by one so young. how interesting. the only thing is that he's bloody bright. they always are. but this one just may be brighter then me. hah. thats quite the suprise. they're always smart, intelligent broken children of the world. but they almost never top me. tonight, i may have met my match. but i hav e something. i'm pure of heart. still loving, still idealistic, still in some sense normal. (other then the fact that i can't sleep at four thirty in the morning)

i'm not going to kll this one. i learned from the last attachment that i need to allow my self to be attached. as hurt as i may become, thats a price worth paying. i meet amazing people. they let me into their worlds and the glimses i experience are visions that transcend time.

lets see where this one runs... we just may have found our brothers.

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he punked out. i'm meeting him tonight. don't really care as to what will happen. he made his decision when he decided to not make it on tuesday. the tone of voice in which i knew to be him no longer exists the way in which i knew oh so well... no matter what passes tonight i will no longer allow him to exist in my realm. i have too many things i need to cherish in the short time that i cannot allow him to muddy my water. i am letting it go. so be it... it's not like i've never done it before and well, i will live.

i erase people. thus is my gift.


and curse...



but the real issue at the moment is that i'm missing home. i had the oddest trigger. i stepped into a store and heard some old music that i hadn't listened to ini quite a while and it just hit me. hit me harder then i ever thought it could. or anything would. it reminded me of so many good times. so much beauty that i had onoce. and i'm not saying i havn't had beauty here it's just that i've been holding home in such contempt that i forgot how much i lvoed it. how many jewls existed in the hate. and now, i'm just reminded. i miss home. i miss my sister, i miss my brother, my home. noah. so much. so so much. this onset of nostalgia might just be a conseqence of being a female but so be it. i can learn from it. i won't hate being home so much. cause theres a part of my that i buried and i shouldn't have. i conformed here. conformed much too much while i should have kept the harder side of me alive....


back to the rock. back to my screams... how i missed it.



it's nice...

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l ao c ya ni d e: hey. i know it's late. and i know i shouldn't be saying this to you. but i have to. there are things on my mind and i feel as if i owe to the friendship that we held. i really let a bond be created between the two of us. and if not a bond, then i allowed my self to be more emotionally attached to you then i ever allow my self to be. but let me say this. i mourn the fact that i friendship became this. that the bond i thought we created was really something not worth perpetuating. but thank you. thank you for teaching me a vaulable lesson. and yes. i should not be telling you this. i should wait until i see you. but you are online and i have words to say that, at the moment, cannot wait. i'm sorry. i'm sorry for creating havoc in your life. i'm sorry for treating you as i have. and i'm sorry for opening up to you in the sense that i did. i was emotionally attached. and i'm sorry that you didn't feel the same way. but andrew. you are an amazing person. and stay that person. please. do. i learned so much fromm you. more then you think that you have taught me. i have to go on in a differernt direction, partially because of my choice, partially because of cohersion. but undnerstand. that you made a difference in my life. and i thank you. and am sorry. thats all. theres more i have to say to you on tuesday. but there is a great amount of gravity to what i say. ignore it, understand it, take it as you will. but yes. this is how i feel. and this may be alot for you to process but right now, i don't think i can keep silent. thats all. -pwan.
l ao c ya ni d e: don't respond. just think. ihave to go. and you. you have your own demons or problems to deal with. but... be the person i thought you were. cause that person was amazing. thats all...


how much did i cop out on that one? alot... ah. but. i can't keep it in at the moment.


stupid. horrendously stupid.... life is lilfe. and what can i do about it? nothing. absolutly nothing. tommorow morning and tuesday night i can. so until then. let it be.


untill then....

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