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NASCAR Articles and Other Assorted Writings
Monday. 1.16.06 10:29 pm
This Is ME!!!!!
Vote for me on NWF!
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Monday. 1.16.06 10:25 am
Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
A: Because they might let down their trunks.
* * * Q. Why do elephants have four feet?
A. Because lady elephants have big twats.
* * * Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
* * * Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
* * * Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?
A: Epileptic pigmies.
* * * Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?
A: 'Cos sheep don't have strings.
* * * Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period?
A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
* * * Q: What is an elephant's sex organ?
A: His foot... If he steps on you you're screwed!
* * * Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
* * * Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A: A two-ton pickup.
* * * Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?
A: "Can I be on top this time?"
* * * Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?
A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?
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The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way,"said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the
nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun?
"You see," laughed the bartender, every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
TO: All employees
FROM: The boss
DATE: March 14, 2005
RE: Foul Language
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who are easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way!
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh!tting me.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with . . .
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh!t.
TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a sh!t.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: fuck it, it won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck cares?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Bite me.
TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting?
TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a sh!t.
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a fucking prick.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck are you doing?
Sincerely, The Boss
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests.The last test had left his system upset. For hours he made several false-alarm trips to the bathroom.Finally giving up on going, he decided his latest urge to go to the bathroom was just another false alarm, so he stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea! He was SOOOO embarrassed! Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. As luck would have it, a drunk was walking by the hospital. Suddenly, the sheets landed on him! He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What in the world was that all about?"
Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"
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Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them,
none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," the teacher said,
"I'll give you all a clue, it's what your mother may sometimes call your
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled: "Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!"
How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
A C-130 was en route on a mission when a cocky F-16 pilot flew up next to him.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!"
He went into a Barrel roll, followed by a steep climb, then finished with a sonic boom when he reached the speed of sound.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought.
The C-130 pilot responded "That was impressive, but watch this."
The C-130 droned along for about 15 minutes then the 130 pilot came back on and said "What did you think about that?"
The F-16 pilot asked, "What did you do?"
The C-130 pilot responded "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back poured a cup of coffee and used the restroom."
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