things have been pretty hard lately, well, some things, not all. my car engine finally died on thanksgiving night. i have it back and running now, but had to spend about $1700 to get a different engine put in. that took a big chunk out of my funds. i've also been having a rough time with the parents. i know i live in their house so they really have the right to make the rules, i just dont understand them. being 21 and still having to be home at midnight and let them know where i am every second!! i feel so restricted and tied down. one would think at a certain age these stupid restrictions would stop. my mom also had a very uncomfortable conversation with me. funny thing was i actually woke up in a good mood this morning and was feeling good about today.....until she came to talk to me of course. all in all it basically boiled down to her saying that she and dad hadnt changed but that my attitude towards them has, and that it was my bad attitude that was the cause of most of the trouble. yes, i'll amdit i've had a bad attitude towards them lately but thats only because i think they're being retarded in enforcing the same bullshit rules, with no intentions of ever letting up. even when i'm being good and not causing trouble i always seem to be in it somehow. i guess i just feel like giving up. if even when i'm trying to be a good girl and i'm still fucking it up why waste my time and effort. *sigh*........here's hoping things get better soon.

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i think yesterday was quite possibly the best monday i've ever had. started off with a nice hot shower followed by laying around. just cant beat that. :-) plus i even ran some errands for my mom...well one, but it was so we can have an awesome deep fried turkey this year! i cant wait for that. and this weekend i was introduced to the most addicting video game i've ever seen. guitar hero! now all i neeed to do is work past the whole sucking at it part and i'm good to go.

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so i've had alot on my mind lately, and i just keep running around in circles with it. i know what i dont want to do. it doesnt make deciding what i do want or should do any easier though. if anything it only makes it harder cuz i'm gonna have to give up something. my family isnt helping either. i might just be too sensitive but they seem to be on my case about everything and its getting harder and harder to take everyday. sometimes i just cant wait to be gone from here, so none of them can tell me what to do ever again. i feel bad for my mom though. she's never done anything to really upset me, other than maybe taking sides with my dad when he's being an ass, even then i understand why she does. but she always gets caught in the middle when she doesnt deserve any of it. i wrote to juli about it all, she prolly knows me the best out of anyone. i tell her everything and it always makes me feel better. and i've been waiting to hear back from her and its killing me each day that i dont. not so much for her to tell me exactly what i need to do, or make the decisions for me. mainly just to tell me that i'm leaning in the right direction and that the decisions i do make are the right ones. i just really need her to tell me that everything's ok and its gonna get better.

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had a pretty rad dream that set me in a fantastic mood the rest of the day. plus, the day only got better from there....minus a lil tussle with my daddy-o, but thats about normal. i think i'll manage to set everything straight by just doing some clenaing tomorrow anyways. watched just friends today. hilarious movie. gotta love ryan reynolds. although i missed the ending (hehe) and i cant remember what happened, but i didnt mind. and yes, i died some more in halo BUT i actually got some kills. didnt know i had gotten them, but they still count and thats all that matters. i need to play against sucky people so i dont feel so retarded in that game, aaaaaand so i'm not dying every 5 seconds. and now its about time for me to head off and have some more sweet dreams!

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all in all it was a pretty sweet day. got to spend most of it with sank, which is always awesome, plus a few other cool folk. i died numerous times in halo today too. somehow i dont think i'm ever going to get good at that game. way too much to think about and do for me. work wasnt even that bad till the end when things got a lil hectic. my unloader loves me though, making all the horrible nights better. he started making fun of everyone on the sort isle saying they were all afriad of him, except for me. that i was the only one brave enough to take him every night. go me! so now i just have to think of that every loooooong horrible night till peak season is over and work is easy again. *sigh* thats such a long way off.

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playing soccer in costumes is waaaay too much fun to do only once a year. there needs to be just random days through out the year when everyone dresses up in whatever they want (considering its something awesome) and goes and plays games. and i loved being my lil doo-wop girl. i should have brought some 50's music and blasted it everywhere i went. maybe next time.

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