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whoop whoop!!!!
"Wise men say only fools rush in
But I cant help falling in love with you
Shall I stay
Would it be a sin
If I cant help falling in love with you

Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
Take my hand, take my whole life too
For I cant help falling in love with you

Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
Take my hand, take my whole life too
For I cant help falling in love with you
For I cant help falling in love with you"
drama-a-plenty
Wednesday. 9.13.06 2:51 am
as if my drunk friend calling me a whore and a slut this weekend werent enough to make me feel bad, now i have my other friend complaing about me. listing for hours all the things i do that annoy him only to tell me there are still many more. fuck, if i'm that much trouble why bother? he tells me i'm a bad friend and only think of myself. yells at me for not calling him or not wanting to hangout with him and my sis when they are. calling works on both sides, so i shouldnt get all the blame on that one. of course i dont get any credit for the times i do happen to call and he happens to not be home. gee that must be my fault too somehow. and i'm sorry if i still feel like a third wheel sometimes when i'm with them, whether its their fault or not. i've been ditched by too many friends when they've gotten someone else that it just tends to be a sore point with me. so rather than let it get to me yeah sometimes i do avoid the whole situation all together. and god forbid me and desi fight sometimes i just would rather not be around her that weekend. she does alot of stuff that bothers me but she doesnt seem to give a damn about it cuz i tell her and she does it anyways. unfortunately that means i dont hang out with them both, but i cant help that he chose to date my sis, thats just one of the consequences that comes with dating one sis and being friends with the other. sometimes you'll get stuck in the middle or excluded.
*sigh* atleast my drunk friend i could blame it on the booze talking. all i have for the other one is that he just must not like me or that i have soooo many things wrong with me i'm too much trouble to stay good friends with. either way this has only helped to make me feel more like shit during an already shitty start to a week.

i hope he's satisfied. it takes alot to make me cry but he's accomplished it, this not being the first time either.

i'll prolly regret this lil rant later when i've cooled off, but for now it feels good. especially since i dont have anyone to yell at it about right now......not in person anyways, and typing this several times over agian would just be too much.

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weekend funzies
Tuesday. 9.12.06 1:27 am
my what a weekend it was. i woke all sorts of early and picked up my friend brett and headed down to salisbury to spend some time with andrea and paul. i love visiting them down there....getting away form home for awhile and getting to do whatever we want......good stuff. so first we headed out and went to ocean city area and got some nice pics of birds for andrea's photography class. then we walked along the boardwalk and headed to hooters (YEAH!) to eat. after that we went back to andrea's and watched a movie. unfortunately due to my major lack of sleep the past several nights i fell asleep during it (16 blocks), but what i saw seemed quite nice. then the night really got rolling when my friend mark met up with us. i was shocked to find out i was the first one from home to visit him, but at the same tie extremely happy that i was able since one else had. so yeah, we (mark, andrea, paul, brett, and me) went over to some of mark's friend's house. they all seemed really cool. i learned so many new card drinking games. i'm anxious to get a chance to play them again. my fav was one called turrets......and that might be the only one i really remember all the rules to. i sucked at most of the games though. and i played beer pong for the second time ever and SUCKED. the guy i was playing with (sean...who was awesome and cute) got stuck drinking so much since i couldnt make any shots.
unfortunately my friend brett turned out to be a jealous angry drunk that night. he likes me a lot but i dont feel the same way and he knows that. plus i'm really good friends with mark and we give each other hugs and stuff all the time. that along with me flirting with sean got brett all hot and bothered. admittedly if i were in his position i would have prolly got upset too, but i'm the type to keep quiet about it. he started yelling and everything and mark told me he had to talk to him that night about it. later andrea, brett and paul left to go back to their place and i stayed at the other house and crashed. thankfully i didnt answer my phone that night cuz brett called several times and left some pretty awful messages calling me really bad names and saying i was doing stuff i most definitely was not. anyways the next morning he apologized about whatever he said (it was the drunk talking so he didnt remember all of it). now that that mess was taken care of i was just left with the most awful hangover i have ever had. i puked the night before at the party but then when i woke up i puked twice more that afternoon. i've never been that bad after a nightof drinking. needless to say i dont know if i'm going to drink as much as i did again any time soon.
aside from the sickness, overall it was a pretty good weekend. a few people didnt make it which sucked, cuz that would have rocked if they had been there, but there's always next time. plus i was able to turn mark's not so awesome week around that weekend and put him in an awesome mood. (yay me!). he said he hadnt had that much fun in a looooong time so i will most definitely have to party again with him soon. and now andrea knows mark so she has a hook up to more cool people she can hangout with in salisbury. aaaaaaand a few of the chicks we partied said they liked us. whoop whoop. people think we're fun! now if only every weekend could be so awesome i'd never want to leave home (minus the horrible sickness that followed of course).

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le sigh
Wednesday. 9.6.06 2:22 am
i havent written in here for forever and i dont see the point in really starting again (especially since i'm horrible at keeping it up), other than i've had a lot on my mind lately and dont have my best friend here to talk it out with. i email her what i can but there are those everyday bothers you need help with that cant wait a week for a reply.
basically i've been feeling kinda shitty about a few things. within the past couple months i've shot down four guys. i'm constantly telling one of them no although i must give him props for his persistance. another i'm not too worried about, he was interested but not so much that i think he was hooked on me. he seems fine with just hanging out. the others i feel pretty bad about though. they're my good friends which makes it that much worse. i never feel comfortable taking a chance with a guy unless i get to know them first, but by then i feel so awkward about taking a friendship and changing it into more. granted i've had little relationship experience but i just dont know if i can handle that. it seems too complex for me. all of these guys are awesome too. i love hanging out with them and other than my fears and doubts havent had a good reason to turn down any of them. i know one day i'll have to get over it and take a risk.
another worry on my mind thats added to this whole guy drama is trying to forget about someone i shouldnt really be hooked on in the first place. i want to forget about him cuz i know there's no point. if i were to ever have anything with him it'd only be physical. but i havent found someone that i'm so taken with to forget about him so i keep coming back to him all the time. and of course even if i were to finally get over him and take a chance with someone else it seems pointless if i'm only going to be gone in a few months anyways.
......which leads on to actually my biggest worry of all. joining the MILITARY. it's a huge step and a total life change. there's so much i have to think about before i make a commitment and i dont even know where to begin. first i have to choose a branch and then a job field within that branch. as far as the branch i want the marines. i want to be proud of what i do and i can see myself that way in there, where as in the other branches since i value the marines as the best i'll know i havent really tried my hardest and given it my all. as far as a job in any of the branches i havent a clue what route to take. then there's the preparation before leaving. all the technical stuff like getting stuff set up for bills to be taken care of and then the hardest part of dealing with leaving everyone......that by far worries the most......i dont know if i can deal with that.

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marines
Thursday. 2.2.06 11:16 pm
i deeply respect and look up to military folk......and it would seem that i have a thing for marines (not all military men, just marines). anyways i stole this from ben because i liked the way it described them. its so true, and i only wish i could have a certain marine as my own bundle of worry.

"Marines come in all shapes, shades, weights, sizes, and states of
sobriety, misery, and confusion. He is sly as a fox, has the nerve
of a dope addict, the stories of an old sailor, the sincerity of a
politician, and the subtly of Mt. Saint Helen. He is extremely
irresistible, totally irrational and completely indestructible.

A Marine is a Marine all his life. He is a magical creature. You
can kick him out of your house but not out of your heart. You can take him off your mailing list but not off your mind. Marines are found everywhere... in love...in battle... in lust... in trouble...in
debt...in bars and ... behind them. No one can write so seldom and yet think so much of you. No one else can get so much enjoyment out of a letter or clean clothes or a six pack.

A Marine is a genius with a deck of cards. A millionaire without a
cent and brave without a grain of sense. He is the PROTECTOR OF
AMERICA, with the latest copy of Hustler in his back pocket. When
he wants something it's usually 30 days leave, music that hurts the ears, a five dollar bill...or a woman he can count on.

Girls love them, mothers tolerate them, fathers brag about them,
the government pays them, the police watch out for them and somehow they all work together. You can beat their bodies but not their minds.

You can tame their hearts but not their souls. He likes girls,
females, women, ladies, and the opposite sex. He dislikes small
checks, working weekends, answering letters, eating chow, waking
up, maintaining a uniform, and the day before payday.
You may as well give in. He is your long distance lover...he is
your steel eyed, warm smiling, blank minded, hyperactive, over reacting, curious, passive, talented spontaneous, physically fit, good for nothing bundle of worry.....

He shatters all your dreams and fantasies when he drunkenly crawls into bed with you at 3:00am kisses you for 5 minutes, tells you how much he loves you, checks the clock and falls asleep with his head on your breasts, his hand between your legs......and his mind on both."

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holiday season
Saturday. 12.31.05 3:26 am
ahh, the wonderful holiday season. the magical time of the year. where there's nothing but feel good happiness all around........or so they say. one would think i should be happy now, but i'm just not. sadly i've been this way for quite a long time now. i was kinda happy a lil while ago, atleast on the surface. but then it was like i was just hit with a ton of bricks. i guess the final thing that pushed me over the edge to really feeling depressed is the mess with the mva again. how many times do i have to fight for my license because of the same stupid mistake? i just cant take it anymore. i try to think of good things that are happening to keep my mind of it. like ben being back home. i actually have someone around that cares about me and wants to do stuff now. not that no one did before, but feeling like the majority of my friends ditched me is kinda hard to bear. however all the good things just seem to be in tiny amounts compared to the bad. i guess its just the time of the season that does it to me mainly. it reminds me over and over again of how alone i am. i begin to fear that i'll always be alone. its been almost 3 years since i had a bf!!.....4 if you dont count tony (since we only went out for about 2 weeks). not to mention that i've only ever had 2. neither one of which was ever anything major. i let someone i wasnt even really dating closer to me than anyone else, and then he goes and breaks my heart (although thats more my fault than his. i wasnt suppose to get attached and i knew that). and then i dont have my juli. she's always been my main support and lately its been harder and harder to keep in touch. i fear losing her too. she's the only best friend i've ever had and i need her. *sigh* i hate being alone but sometimes i feel so alone already i dont wanna be around other people cuz i feel like i dont belong. hopefully after the holidays are over i'll stop feeling so bad. although i doubt it really, unless other things change as well.

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my rollercoaster
Monday. 11.21.05 1:23 am
i hate being a female. having these bloody rollercoasters of emotions. happy, lonely, happy, mad, happy, upset. and damned if i know how to deal with them....or anyone else for that matter.

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