compared to how things have been, its been pretty good lately. i had court wednesday for the stupid fender bender i had in the parking lot in august. they were trying to charge me with hitting and running and driving on a suspended liscense. thankfully there was enough doubt in both areas on whether i was infact telling the truth or not there was no choice but to let me off for it all. so thankfully that bit of legal trouble there is over. now all i have to do is be good during this year of probation and finish all my drug classes. however since i wont be granted a pbj for my dui until after i complete my probation and classes it shows on my record. thanks to that i have points on my liscense and the insurance company is kicking me off their policy. now i have to worry about finding my own insurance and just hope i can keep up with the cost of it. but even with some of these added problems i feel like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders. now onto some better news. juli is coming back home!!! i'm hoping to make the best of the few weeks she'll be here. plus since i've quit fye i'll have plenty of free time to hang out. my last day there was saturday the 29th. that sunday i got to go to whorehey's church then come home and hang with mom and dad watching x-files. later on andrea and paulie pantz came over and we tried to go to a haunted trail. that didnt work out so well since most of them were closed, but we did find out that the carnival was open. so we all put our money together and rode a few rides. however simple and stupid it might have been, i had a total blast. then today i got to see scottness after several months. i think i maybe saw him 3 times during this whole summer. really depressing considering last summer i spent almost every day with him. but anyways i stayed up nearly all night (till 530) baking cup cakes for him. then me and desi drove to rockville to see his race. being as awesome as scottness is, he won the race. salisbury's boys and girls also won the meet, so it was an all around good day for them. it was so much fun watching people run again, although i did feel a lil kinda like homesick to have it all back again. seeing scottness though did bring back some painful thoughts. i realized how much i missed him, and missed hanging out with him. then i also started to think of everything between us and how it didnt work out. why do i seem to have such bad luck with guys?? its not that no one likes me, its just that whomever i do want to like me back never seems to. or if they do there's some other reason why its a no go. i dont know what to think really. i chalk it up to me just being too skidish about the whole dating scene. however i know there are individuals who i would disregard my fears if dating for them...... but for one reason or another, i lose out.

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by most of the happenings today (a.k.a. work) today should have been pretty shitty. however, i was in a really good mood the whole time. before work i just went to class and hung out around the house. later on whore hey came over and watched x-files with me. what really made my day though was that clint im'ed me. i had seen him get on but didnt bother to say anything since he normally doesnt reply. a few minutes go by andhe im's me. it wasnt much of anything, just hi, how are you doing? kinda thing. but it was just the fact that for once it wasnt me that had to start the conversation. i often wonder with people if i'm always the one to have to say hi first if they even care to talk to me. clint i had figured would be one of those people i would always have to say hi first too. so this just came as a shock, and that he actually cared enough about me to want to talk. sooooooo that pretty much had me feeling good all night. work did kinda suck though. i had some horrible trucks. all big heavy stuff that all seemed to go up top. after my first truck my arms already felt dead. then there was just so many more exactly like it that followed. by the end of the night i thought my arms were going to fall off. other than it being hard though i got to talk to people all night. and nothing really happened to upset me. just going to be dead come morning. hope tomorrow tunrs out to be good too though.

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i miss him.........alot. and i'm afraid that the one person i like enough that i would actually forget him for i've just lost. i really hope not, but there's a strong chance that now i wont even really see him or get to hang out with him anymore. meanwhile others just keep up lining themselves up to get hurt. i turn them down, and try to warn them. i know i'll end up hurting them. however, if they want to keep trying i cant stop them. i cant do anything other than feel bad and guilty if they do end up getting hurt. i wish i had the power to totally forget about everyone, and not care if someone is stupid enough to get hurt after they've been warned.

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well i had my court date last week. that didnt exactly go well, but if i try hard to do everything they want, exactly how they want it, things might turn out ok. i have to endure a year of supervised probation, with a 60 day suspended jail sentence waiting for me if i screw up. i also have to finish my ADI class and attend a MADD class. if i accomplish all of this satisfactorily then the judge might change my guilty charge to a pbj (probation before judgement) so it doesnt show up on my record. today i went down to see my probation officer. he said i'm suppose to be seeing him once a week, but due to another officer being gone on sick leave and him taking some of her cases, i only have to report to him once a month for now. he also said if by the time she gets back i'm still doing fine on the once a month basis he'll stick with that. plus today i was also able to go get my liscence. i no longer have to have my family and friends tote me around everywhere. hopefully that'll help clear up some of the tension in the household. then the last good thing is i put in my two weeks notice at fye. my last day working there will be oct. 29th. i know quiting a job might seem odd to be good news, but i'm so excited that i'll have weekends back to see friends again. and the best part is it'll be just in time for juli coming home too. :-D

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just found out today that on monday tom is putting in his 2 weeks notice at work. i had already decided i was going to quit the end of october/beginning of november, so its not toooo bad. but this does mean there'll be a lap over period of a few weeks when things are going to suck big time. they already pretty much do suck now. everyone i really like working with always seems to work opposite of me. i just hope the friends i've made while being there will still remain my friends, and not forget me like so many others seem to do once i'm not around.

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i find myself more often than not.....extremely lonely. its not just a lonley that hanging out with people would fix either. its deep down. i feel like i have no one to connect to. most of the time i feel like the outsider, just tagging along with whatever group i happen to be around. and i feel almost desperate for a bf type now, only i dont think i'm ready to commit to anyone like that. but the longing for someone seems too much to bear sometimes. it doesnt help that everywhere i look i'm surrounded by couples too. most of them try not to make me feel like a 3rd wheel but end up doing it undeliberatley anyways. there's a few people i would consider attempting somehting with. but i dont know if i think i like them because i really do or because i just want someone to be with. plus all of them are at one or the other jobs i have, which i'm sure would only complicate things if anything were too happen. right now its mainly 3 guys. the hardest thing about it too, is i try to figure out which i'm most interested in but they're so different its hard to choose. 2 of them are at ups and so far one of them is winning out, but i dont know how or if i should even try for more than the casual flirting. then the guy at fye is so much fun to be around. but i dont think i'm his type, and i know it would hurt the guy there that does like me. also i'm afraid of the fact that he reminds me so much of the guy that i truely wish i could be with right now that that might be the only reason i like him. and i dont want to be trying to turn him into the other guy. things would be a lot easier if i could just be with who i really want. but i'm tired of lying to myself, wishing that one day it might happen, cuz deep down i know it never will. sure we could have flings or whatever you want to call them, but nothing serious and nothing for too long. cuz he'll always just end up leaving me again. and i'll be left really just wanting him but debating finding someone else so i dont have to be alone, and knowing i'd want to leave whoever i'm with for him whenever he decides to come back. which is where i'm left at now......endlessy debating all of these matters and never getting anywhere.

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