sometimes i really dislike myself. i let stupid things get to me and start thinking stupid thoughts which cause me to do even stupider things. oh boy am i ever a fuck up. i have to make sure this never happens again or i'll never be able to forgive myself for it.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

was today ever stressful! most days are pretty crappy but today would rank right up top. i actually got so upset i broke down while at work. i'm trying so hard not let everything get to me, but i just cant seem to do it. its like its all piling up, getting worse and worse every day, and soon i'm just going to collapse under it all. i feel so trapped and helpless. there's nothing i can do to make it better at the moment, and there's not even a real promise it'll ever get better. *ugh* i need more help than normal getting through it all. its just too much to handle alone. i just hope i'm not asking too much of people to help me through it all. i know its rough on everyone else too, but i dont know what to do.

Comment! (1) | Recommend!

no, not the show, just really awesome food. tonight i went to outback for the first time.......it was so good! and mmmmm that bread was delicious (along with all the rest of the food of course). dinner out was so much fun and i got to have it with the best guy in the world. win, win for me!!!

Comment! (4) | Recommend! (1)

....that's about how i've been feeling all day. went to bed upset, so of course i woke up in a not so awesome mood. that mood then continued to carry on through the rest of the day. i'm no longer mad about being upset or hurt, just dont feel good about it yet. i guess it shook me up a lil more than even i expected. nothing really happened today to upset me more, but on the other hand nothing really happened to cheer me all the way up either. maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

i hate how things get so complicated and out of hand so quickly, and always out of nothing too. then, even if i was the one upset to begin with by the end of it all i feel like shit for letting it bother me, cuz it ends up upsetting others. i just feel like the number of things that i'm unhappy with out number the things that i am happy about. and if what makes me happy falters, even for a split second, it hurts me more than i know it should. i'm just too damn sensitive to things now. i really hate that about myself. other than becoming some cold heart i dont know how to change it though. i need to find something to do about it though, so i can stop feeling so hurt all the time and stop hurting others as well. its wearing me down and i'm sure them as well.

ooooohhhhhh things need to get better soon.

Comment! (1) | Recommend! (1)

since my last entry i've been moved from the one branch (arbutus) i started at with the bank to the new branch (waverly woods) that just opened. now this is only my second week there, and only the second week the bank has been opened. however, this is only the first week its been advertised as being open. it's already been busier this week than it was last week, but still pretty damn slow. i'm not the type of person that likes not having anything to do at work. i feel as if i'm not doing something than i'm wasting my time being there. granted with a job working with customers you may not always have one, but for an entire day! i just cant stand it. from the start i wasnt happy about moving to this new branch. its further away, so i'm wasting more gas and time getting there and back each day, and i no longer get to work with or even see brett and sank all day. it's stressing me out and bothering me so much that i'm not just unhappy at my job, but i feel less happy in general. which of course is starting to affect all other areas of my life. i've been much much more touchy and sensitive lately. little things that would barely bother me at all just crush me now. all of this makes it unfair for the people that have to deal with me everyday. i feel bad that they have to be around a worse version of myself than normal. extra personal attention has been the only thing helping me feel better lately, but given my schedule is hard to arrange. thankfully there is a small ray of hope. IF my manager can hire enough people for the new branch, and i can talk her into letting me return to arbutus i MIGHT be able to talk the open teller spot that'll be opening there. so far i havent had a good chance to ask her about it though. she's so stressed that she cant find anyone to hire and the customers either arent coming or cant find the place that telling her i want to leave might be too much. oooooh boy, this better work itself out soon. i'm gonna have a hard time surviving it all otherwise.

Comment! (1) | Recommend! (1)