i find myself more often than not.....extremely lonely. its not just a lonley that hanging out with people would fix either. its deep down. i feel like i have no one to connect to. most of the time i feel like the outsider, just tagging along with whatever group i happen to be around. and i feel almost desperate for a bf type now, only i dont think i'm ready to commit to anyone like that. but the longing for someone seems too much to bear sometimes. it doesnt help that everywhere i look i'm surrounded by couples too. most of them try not to make me feel like a 3rd wheel but end up doing it undeliberatley anyways. there's a few people i would consider attempting somehting with. but i dont know if i think i like them because i really do or because i just want someone to be with. plus all of them are at one or the other jobs i have, which i'm sure would only complicate things if anything were too happen. right now its mainly 3 guys. the hardest thing about it too, is i try to figure out which i'm most interested in but they're so different its hard to choose. 2 of them are at ups and so far one of them is winning out, but i dont know how or if i should even try for more than the casual flirting. then the guy at fye is so much fun to be around. but i dont think i'm his type, and i know it would hurt the guy there that does like me. also i'm afraid of the fact that he reminds me so much of the guy that i truely wish i could be with right now that that might be the only reason i like him. and i dont want to be trying to turn him into the other guy. things would be a lot easier if i could just be with who i really want. but i'm tired of lying to myself, wishing that one day it might happen, cuz deep down i know it never will. sure we could have flings or whatever you want to call them, but nothing serious and nothing for too long. cuz he'll always just end up leaving me again. and i'll be left really just wanting him but debating finding someone else so i dont have to be alone, and knowing i'd want to leave whoever i'm with for him whenever he decides to come back. which is where i'm left at now......endlessy debating all of these matters and never getting anywhere.

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