Today was crazily full of the unexpected coming up and biting me in the ass. I completely forgot about weekend homewerk I had in three of my classes, so I spent first period working like mad to finish English reading questions and my Spanish assignment. I finished both, but I didn't hear a word of whatever lecture my Chem teacher was giving, and the notes I took were scattered and incomplete. And the only reason I finished was because I pretty much bs'ed the English questions...at least I was able to read the chapter today and understand what was going on. All day I was worried about the unanswered problems from my Geometry homework--I really have to break this recent trend of only getting 7.5 out of 10 on my homework or else I'm going to fail that class. The homework is supposed to be a free 10 points. I don't get it because I have a habit of skipping questions I don't understand. I'd rather just take down the right answer when Madarang goes over it than bs a wrong one. It saves me time to move on to my other work, but also some dearly needed points. Anyway, I was lucky today because she didn't check for it. Yay. Go me.

Forgetting my homework is one thing, but the real kicker today was my conversation with Tran. She's a friend of ____'s and the treasurer for the Anime Club, hand-picked by him. We've talked off and on since we met taking the PSAT's a couple months ago, and she is a fun person to talk to. I like her mentality--fun, but also pragmatic.

So today we were waiting for our rides, and we were just chit-chatting about our what was going on...she was going to get her flu shot today, and maybe get a haircut. Like always, I asked her what they did in Anime Club last Friday--they didn't do anything. I was debating against it, but I couldn't contain my curiosity--I asked her if anyone wished ____ a happy birthday. No one did. She was suddenly exasperated with herself for forgetting, but I told her she could just tell him tomorrow since it was only last Saturday. This is where my control over the conversation flew out the window. Tran asked me, "Wait, how'd you know it was his birthday?" I told her I was in Anime Club last year, and we used to be friends. And of course when I told her to do me a favor and not to mention me in front of him, she asked why. "You guys used to have something, didn't you?" I couldn't lie to her, so I admitted it. I couldn't think of an answer when she asked what happened between us, other than saying it wasn't a real great relationship...it was like a bad joke. My ride came then, so there was no time to elaborate, but for the rest of the day I kept remembering what went wrong, what made me so frustrated and desperate and doubtful in what should have been a perfect time.

I repeated our conversation in my head, answering her question. What happened? It wasn't a fling, like she thought it was when I couldn't come up with an answer. But I don't know if I can say it was much more meaningful than that. A fling...you don't care. You can stick around for a minute and leave and not blink. I wasn't like that. He meant something to me. He was important to me. What he thought was important to me. I treated him like it, as much as I could. It unnerved me that he didn't care. The thought kept crossing my mind, we shouldn't be this way... The feeling of sheer wrongness was always there whenever he wasn't. If I really meant as much to him as he said then why didn't I feel like it? Why didn't I feel special or important or cared for? Who was this guy coming to my house and playing pool and doing homework on my dining table, but barely saying a word to me--showing no interest in my life? Why was I giving such importance to someone so unappreciative--who didn't even think it was worth his time to eat lunch with me or seek me out during the day to say hello? Who am I to you? Because right now, all I feel like is a convenient nobody you can kiss.

The bottom line was, I deserved better. And I was so angry that I'd let myself be fooled, that he never said anything to make me think other than he felt the same for me. I'm thankful I didn't let anything get too far. We never, ever got anywhere close to where Dreamer and her boy are now. Hell no.

He was fun to be with, and talk to. He wasn't a bad friend at all--I wish I'd gotten to know him better. He was an excellent student--a truly smart guy. But as far as relationships go, damn. A total shit guy.

I have no idea why I was wasting my time and emotion for the past months since April, wondering if we could ever be friends again. I've come to believe completely in the old realization that I don't need to. And really, if has had come back into my life, what would I have done then? It would've been the same old thing.

I'm thankful I was able to keep my control last Friday, and every other time I had the opportunity to speak to him. I stopped myself without even thinking. He's out of my life. I don't think of him, I don't feel a thing for him anymore.

What a difference a few weeks make. Tran, have fun.

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Happy birthday, ____.

I hope you have a good year, and a good life. I hope everything works out for you.

Thanks for the memories, and the lessons and experiences. You meant a lot to me, and I hope someday you'll be able to think of me without counting me as a horrible person.

I remembered, because you were important to me...

I guess, in so many words, that's all I want to tell him. Actually, just to greet him 'happy birthday' would've been enough for me--I planned on doing so if I happened to run into him today, on or offline. I didn't, so it looks like it's not meant to happen. I'm not meant to speak to him, ever again.

I've been counting today as the last day, the last opportunity or whatever you call it, to spark something between us again, because this time last year, I remembered his birthday. I'd only asked him once, a few weeks before, but I remembered. I greeted him and gave him this deck of Gundam Wing playing cards I'd bought the first year I moved to this town. I looked for him before school that Friday, waiting in the hallway where he usually passed me by as Ishang and I would walk to class. He didn't come, and I was worried he hadn't come to school at all. I found him at lunch though, and gave him the cards, and felt like flying when he said they kicked ass. The Christian club had a lunchtime activity, acting out some 'Jesus is my SAVIOR' type skit to the music of Linkin Park. He showed me his wallet full of cash his parents gave him.

But, I digress. That was last year. Here and now, I wonder if my the choice I made yesterday was the right one. All week I'd been planning on showing up at the Anime Club meeting yesterday afternoon, walking up to him, and wishing him 'Happy birthday tomorrow'. Hoping that it would start a conversation that promised closure, then a new beginning. I had damn near the entire scene playing in my head, except for his replies. In any case, the scenario always ended with an understanding of the difference between who we were before, and who we are now, and why it meant we could be friends again.

I walked out of my last class yesterday, made it halfway to the Anime Club's room. Stopped dead in my tracks, and turned back.

There's a difference between what plays out in my head, and the rules of reality. I'm never more in tune with the reality of the situation than when I'm actually in the same place as him. Take, for example, the FBLA meeting on Thursday. I was standing in line to sign in, and he came through the door. He would've been the person standing behind me, had he fallen in line. But he didn't. He stood for a second to my left--there was another guy between us, but I could see him. I could feel him refuse to look in my direction. I was completely frozen myself. I couldn't break the habit of my fear, even to twitch and turn my head to the left. It was only for a few seconds, and then he walked away.

I wonder if he was relieved when I left early for Winterguard practice. Maybe he didn't care at all. Maybe I was already so unimportant while we were 'together' that anytime I'm around, I don't even factor in. Not even as much as a chair or an insect. When I think about it, I wouldn't be surprised.

You know...

I've heard accounts from people who have been or are in love--what it's like, what to look for. I've heard about feelings and intensities and common things people do for each other if they care. And we never had any of that. I know what we had wasn't real. What we had wasn't even in the same ballpark, not even the same game. Maybe that's all it was. A game. Never did he refer to me as his girlfriend. Never did he do anything to make me think or feel like I was someone special, like he cared.

There were just meaningless words. He was my first lesson in 'actions speak...'

I've learned that in the beginning, everything is beautiful. But the more time passes, the uglier it gets. Because we didn't have a solid foundation of friendship to fall back on. Girl likes Boy, Boy likes Girl, so they both do everything they can to impress the other person, and in the process of trying to appear at their best, they mislead each other into thinking they are something they are not: perfect. Had the Girl and Boy been true friends who knew each other inside out, their relationship would have progressed differently; it would've been stronger. They would have known each other's quirks and imperfections and true faces, so there wouldn't have been any need to patronize.

It makes me sad that nothing worked out the way it should've. Then again, maybe this is exactly how it was supposed to go. In any case, I didn't wish him happy birthday.

And now that it's thirty-five minutes into December 7th, I feel fine.

Here's to tomorrow, or today.

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My cousin Dreamer is the worst correspondent ever. She is terrible at replying to emails, and on the rare occasions when we are both on AIM at the same time, she's not at all the humorous conversationalist she is offline. I'd given up on emailing her a while back, not being content with two-sentence replies to my reasonably sized letters. It became kind of a regular convention between us to communicate only when we saw each other during the summer.

So I've been considerably out of the loop concerning the happenings in her life and on the East Coast in general...always being the last to learn the news, and not even the whole story at that. I guess much of it is my fault, too--I've grown used to playing catch-up over summmer vacation, and haven't put in the effort I should be into encouraging our friendship. It's because the fact that we will always be friends has been a given, a simple basic truth that's been there since we were born.

Last October, it was a pleasant surprise to find out that she'd had a boy come over and meet her parents. Us West Coast relatives got the news as them only liking each other in a strictly platonic way, but it's easy enough to read between the lines--they're a couple. Behind her mom's back, Dreamer has a boyfriend...

I called her earlier today, and we talked for a long time. I received all the details. They'd been together two months longer than anyone knew. And as far as her parents know, they're barely holding hands. The truth is, they're moving at breakneck speed. I know I'm the last person who should be in a position to talk about this. But maybe not. Now I know what it's like on the outside looking in, and hearing about her experiences in minute detail, I have to say that she only thinks she knows what she's doing. That's harsh. That's hypocritical. But it's true. She is making it way, way too easy for the guy. She's willing to believe in the things he promises. I personally don't know him. I'll be the first to admit that when I was in her situation, I made it easy for ____ when we were together. It bothers me that they're going way too fast, and also that I can't be critical about this at all. I'm disturbed that she's keeping things from everyone--I can understand why she's not telling her parents, because they're the definition of conservative, but she avoided saying anything to me and our mutual friend in Long Island. I wanted to blame it on her crappy corresponding skills, but she refused to tell our friend her new screenname. Flat out refused.

I realize that all of this is her prerogative. It's her deal if she wants to be secretive. It's her problem when the shit hits it and her mom finds out that A) they've been discreetly dating for the past three months and B) they've hit third base. And when it does happen, the only thing I can do is listen and be there, because I can't help at all. I'm worried about her. That's pretty fucked up--she's not even worried about it, and she's the one in the relationship.

...I guess we all have to learn what it's like to be hurt sometime. *sigh*

I love you, Dreamer.

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His birthday is this Saturday.

Once the day comes and goes, I'll be able to stop thinking about it.

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There has been no time or opportunity to write, and this isn't a good time either.

The truth is, if I really wanted to write, I'd make the time, I'm sure. I've done it before.

But not now.

I don't want to write about how school has taken over my life. I don't want to write about how confused everything is right now. How I feel like I'm just going through the motions of living, but I'm not all there. How the only time I know I'm here is when I'm in contact with someone less fortunate, and I can focus on something outside myself for once, and try to help and gain perspective and see how nothing's that bad. Cause it's so much easier to give advice and assistance than take it.

There's nothing to write about. It's just...the routine. And the feeling. It's like a filter. My happiness is real, and I feel it, but it passes through this filter of sheer, basic confusion and restlessness about this point in my life. Why am I not...the way I'm supposed to be. By all the signs and evidence of just how good things are going right now, why don't my feelings match? Because all these experiences are superficial, and I'm looking for something 'real'? What makes this all superficial? The ones I spend my time on, the ones I laugh with--I'm sure the culmination of all our time together means something to them. I'm thankful for that. They're keeping me grounded. They are not the cause of this feeling.

i guess it's just...me.

I need to choose to be happy now.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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