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As far as Mondays go, this one wasn't bad at all. Far from it. I don't think I've had a first day of the week this good since spring...(if we're going to be insanely specific, March 17th.)

School was nice and painless--all the teachers decided to assign homewerk, but that's nothing new anymore so once I got home I went went straight for the books...kind of. I spent an hour reading 'Tripwire' by Lee Child. Some girls get facials and paint their nails. Some girls spend hours on the phone. I'm a believer in the healing, unwinding properties of cheap yet well-written action thrillers. Good stuff, good stuff.

Around 7:30 I went outside to practice my flag werk. The night was beautiful. The weather was great. If there's one nice thing I can say about living in the sticks it's that the sky is amazing at night. The moon hangs right over my house, and almost every star is visible even with the street lamps. Whenever we're driving back home, coming from the freeway I love seeing Eleventh Street illuminated by the lamps and the stars. The lanes are wide and straight, and the tacky 'City of _____' fountain doesn't look as horrid as it usually does. You don't even notice it--all you see is the street, the lights, the sky. It makes you forget how frustrating this place can be during the day.

Anyway, practicing put me into a good mood. I think I've mastered tosses, which will come in handy on Wednesday for my demonstration speech on the basics of Colorguard.

* * *

I should really be writing the outline for that speech since it's due tomorrow. It's sitting in the next window over, waiting to be finished...but when do I evern get a free moment to write? My lovely reserved bit of space on the net is slowly detiriorating because I haven't had the time to create anything for it.

* * *

Tomorrow's going to be busy. I'll be at school until 8:30-9:00 pm cause of all the after-school stuf I'm doing... CG practice starts right after school, but I'll be late for that cause of the FBLA meeting, and once practice is done I head straight for the Mock Trial Werkshop (tryouts are next week--guess who's making it on the team? w00t!) that doesn't end until 8:30. I don't know how I'll find the time to do all my homewerk. I'm thinking, extra late nights every Tuesday from now on? I guess that's fine, only as long as I can play on here longer, too.

I'll just have to see how I'm going to balance all this out...

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Things have not been going well since Halloween...

The feelings I thought I'd banished came back with a vengeance, and my head is once again a reeling mess.

Six months later, and he's still on my mind...it's frustrating. Everthing is. It's him, it's this new lifestyle I've thrown myself into (for a future that not even the perfect student, let alone myself has no real guarantee of achieving), it's the strains on the household my parents are trying to hide and the desire not to be a disappointment to myself and to those around me.

But I'm not allowed to crack just yet. If I go under now, how am I going to deal with the real shit life has yet to throw me?

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i love this guy.

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These are the sound effects in my head while I'm trying to write my speech as this bloody Rosseau guy: *snapsnapfizzpopvroom*

AAGGGHHH!!!

And now, the fishies.

one fish:

two fish:

red fish:

blue fish:

so, anyone round here read Kabuki by David Mack? You damn well should, kiddie.

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I'm rather annoyed right now...grr. Monday really doesn't like me.

I was invited to a Halloween party/trick-or-treat outing for Friday, and was highly excited cause it would have been my first social thing for high school--scratch that, my first social thing since I've been in California. (Sad, pathetic, I know, but we're talking about me here, remember?) In any case, I can't go. We're taking my brother trick-or-treating out of this town so he can go with our cuzzies who live in D.

And of course, any time there's a family get-together, family takes precedence over anything else. Never mind that there has never, ever been any time in the history of my life that I haven't been with or in the vicinity of at least one person related to me for more than 6 hours. Never mind that except for once, every planned outing with friends was canceled for one reason or another, so in truth, I really am some kind of loser.

It irks me seeing my brother becoming the same way. He's actually a very well-liked kid in his class. He's the guy everybody gets along with, the one who makes all the others feel welcome. But because his parents are antisocial, he doesn't have any friends outside of school. He really could. It's just his parents.

They don't have any friends in this town. They don't make any effort to get to know people. Not the other parents at his school, not at the church, nothing. They just stick to family. And I can't blame them for this because they have busy schedules. I see them werk their asses off day and night. They get tired and stressed from werkplace politics (much drama going on right now with my dad's denied promotion and the disbanding of my mom's department), and then they come home and have to deal with the stupid fcukers at L****n Loan Group who are squeezing them for every last cent they've got--for a mistake the bank is responsible for.

So the lack of time to be a classroom parent isn't their fault. I know. And I'm being immensely selfish bitching about how I'm not getting my way. But damn. Let me clarify. How often does it happen that I'm invited to go do something with people? When I was handed the invitation and directions to the girl's house I was barely comprehending what she was saying. I'm never invited anywhere. And the one time I am, I get thrown the line, "You know when there's a family get-together it takes priority over everything else" when there is never a time when I'm not spending time with family? Spend time with them is all I do! How can they talk to me like I'm some sort of...I don't know, delinquent F-student who's never home? Jeez.

Maybe that's a little extreme. I'm probably taking it the wrong way. I'm just so tired of doing nothing but be with them, and I'm just so frustrated that my brother's bright personality is being squandered.

...you know...

I guess I'm giving you the wrong impression here. I love my family. I'm blessed and lucky to have them, especially seeing how my best friend doesn't have anyone at all. When she came to my family-thrown, family-only invited birthday party, she asked me, "Do you feel loved?" I told her yes without even having to think about it, and then she said, "Yeah, that's what I want." I remembered her mom back in the Philippines and her brother in the Army and her living with these people claiming that she's a part of their family because she's the 33-year-old man's half sister with the same last name. These people she calls 'Kuya' and 'Ate' [respectful Tagalog meaning: 'big brother' and 'big sister'] who make her clean the house and watch their 3 kids and she doesn't even have her own room--she shares it with Ate's mom. I remembered all this, and I felt thankful.

What right do I have to criticize my parents?

Nothing. I was venting. Now I'm done.

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