Today was crazily full of the unexpected coming up and biting me in the ass. I completely forgot about weekend homewerk I had in three of my classes, so I spent first period working like mad to finish English reading questions and my Spanish assignment. I finished both, but I didn't hear a word of whatever lecture my Chem teacher was giving, and the notes I took were scattered and incomplete. And the only reason I finished was because I pretty much bs'ed the English questions...at least I was able to read the chapter today and understand what was going on. All day I was worried about the unanswered problems from my Geometry homework--I really have to break this recent trend of only getting 7.5 out of 10 on my homework or else I'm going to fail that class. The homework is supposed to be a free 10 points. I don't get it because I have a habit of skipping questions I don't understand. I'd rather just take down the right answer when Madarang goes over it than bs a wrong one. It saves me time to move on to my other work, but also some dearly needed points. Anyway, I was lucky today because she didn't check for it. Yay. Go me.

Forgetting my homework is one thing, but the real kicker today was my conversation with Tran. She's a friend of ____'s and the treasurer for the Anime Club, hand-picked by him. We've talked off and on since we met taking the PSAT's a couple months ago, and she is a fun person to talk to. I like her mentality--fun, but also pragmatic.

So today we were waiting for our rides, and we were just chit-chatting about our what was going on...she was going to get her flu shot today, and maybe get a haircut. Like always, I asked her what they did in Anime Club last Friday--they didn't do anything. I was debating against it, but I couldn't contain my curiosity--I asked her if anyone wished ____ a happy birthday. No one did. She was suddenly exasperated with herself for forgetting, but I told her she could just tell him tomorrow since it was only last Saturday. This is where my control over the conversation flew out the window. Tran asked me, "Wait, how'd you know it was his birthday?" I told her I was in Anime Club last year, and we used to be friends. And of course when I told her to do me a favor and not to mention me in front of him, she asked why. "You guys used to have something, didn't you?" I couldn't lie to her, so I admitted it. I couldn't think of an answer when she asked what happened between us, other than saying it wasn't a real great relationship...it was like a bad joke. My ride came then, so there was no time to elaborate, but for the rest of the day I kept remembering what went wrong, what made me so frustrated and desperate and doubtful in what should have been a perfect time.

I repeated our conversation in my head, answering her question. What happened? It wasn't a fling, like she thought it was when I couldn't come up with an answer. But I don't know if I can say it was much more meaningful than that. A fling...you don't care. You can stick around for a minute and leave and not blink. I wasn't like that. He meant something to me. He was important to me. What he thought was important to me. I treated him like it, as much as I could. It unnerved me that he didn't care. The thought kept crossing my mind, we shouldn't be this way... The feeling of sheer wrongness was always there whenever he wasn't. If I really meant as much to him as he said then why didn't I feel like it? Why didn't I feel special or important or cared for? Who was this guy coming to my house and playing pool and doing homework on my dining table, but barely saying a word to me--showing no interest in my life? Why was I giving such importance to someone so unappreciative--who didn't even think it was worth his time to eat lunch with me or seek me out during the day to say hello? Who am I to you? Because right now, all I feel like is a convenient nobody you can kiss.

The bottom line was, I deserved better. And I was so angry that I'd let myself be fooled, that he never said anything to make me think other than he felt the same for me. I'm thankful I didn't let anything get too far. We never, ever got anywhere close to where Dreamer and her boy are now. Hell no.

He was fun to be with, and talk to. He wasn't a bad friend at all--I wish I'd gotten to know him better. He was an excellent student--a truly smart guy. But as far as relationships go, damn. A total shit guy.

I have no idea why I was wasting my time and emotion for the past months since April, wondering if we could ever be friends again. I've come to believe completely in the old realization that I don't need to. And really, if has had come back into my life, what would I have done then? It would've been the same old thing.

I'm thankful I was able to keep my control last Friday, and every other time I had the opportunity to speak to him. I stopped myself without even thinking. He's out of my life. I don't think of him, I don't feel a thing for him anymore.

What a difference a few weeks make. Tran, have fun.

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