There's work waiting to be done right now...I'm really not in the mood to deal with it. I think I'll just work very well under pressure tomorrow. (That's bad. Yes. I don't care.)

Oh!--now I remember what I wanted to talk about. They caught Saddam Hussein today. I was late catching onto the news--I didn't find out til this afternoon. I couldn't believe it. It was so unreal...but completely awesome. The reason why it was so staggering though, was because even though he wasn't an actual part of my world or a threat to my life, he just existed that way for as long as I've been living. Before bin Laden, he was still a shadow over the world; I remember his notoriety as a child. And now he's gone.

I really hope Uncle Jim can now be pulled out of Iraq...even though the chances of that happening are slim, it would be so great if he could now be transferred somewhere else. Also, I hope that Ishang's brother won't have to ship out there now. She told me he'd called her last week to tell her the news, and she cried. So much has been taken away from her already, there's been so much sadness and heartbreak in her life as it is--the last thing she needs is the added weight of her brother going over there. Until she's legal, Christian is her and their mom's only hope of reuniting. He's the only one who can set up the emigration process with their mom. He's the only one who can get them a place to live.

Whenever I think of things I want to happen in my life, one thing that ranks up there is seeing Ishang reunited with her family. It's probably in my top five or six things I want to happen.

She deserves to be happy so much. Anytime she's down it's hard to make her feel better because she's in a completely different, completely worse situation from me, so the things I say end up sounding patronizing, even though it wasn't my intention at all. I've been telling her for as long as we've known each other what I believe--I've been telling her that her day will come. It might take a while, but it'll come. I still believe that.

I have faith that one day she'll find herself waiting anxiously at the airport terminal, and the door will open with an announcement that a flight is unloading. In the crowd of people flooding out she will see her mother, her mother will see her, and after a moment of disbelief, after a smile of sheer happiness begins to spread across their faces and tears spring to their eyes they're going to run to each other. Then they're all going to hug and laugh and cry, and they're not going to want to let go because it's not going to have sunk in yet that they aren't dreaming.

Something like that should happen to her. Something better than that, because for the past years since she's been here in the States it's been the same story. Four birthdays without her family. Only occasional letters or phone calls with her mom. Not being able to go anywhere at any time because she's worse than fucking Cinderella. Cleaning house for an asshole pair of relatives (stepbrother and sister-in-law), taking care of three spoiled kids...

I know all of these things make her a stronger person. But how much is life going to keep throwing everything at her before she breaks? She's come close a few times already, thank God she talks to me or else something might have happened. And it's frustrating that all I can do is listen and be there. It's not enough. Why the hell can't I have the power to make people's problems go away? Why can't I bring her mom and brother to her? Why can't I create better, less stressful jobs for my parents? Why can't I give my grandparents and godfather obscene amounts of money? Why can't I build more open and honest relationships between Auntie AD, Auntie CM, and Dreamer on the East Coast? Why can't I cure SM, Auntie AD and my godfather?

I'm not God. I'm not nature. I'm not fate or destiny or Buddha or Jesus or anything. I'm not even a helpful person.

At least, not now. Someday I will be. Everything will be all set. My parents, brother, grandparents, godfather, cousins... they won't have to worry. Someday I'll be able to pay them back twice over for everything they've done for me, and even though I'll never be able to give them perfect lives I'll at least be able to help pay for the high and ever-rising cost of living. That's what it's all about. After this entire useless period of the world revolving around high school and college, after working my way up to a stable position in life, the light at the end of the tunnel is me making my family's lives easier.

Once I'm there, it's all good. The big picture's done, framed and hanging on the wall.

Well...maybe not. I haven't mentioned anything about a love life. Then again, that's something no one can ever plan for.


* * *

This has turned into something completely out of control. Damn stream of consciousness writing. I'll stop here.

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Results from this quiz based on colors you choose.

Your Existing Situation

Authoritative or in a position of authority, but liable to feel that further progress is rendered problematical by existing difficulties. Perseveres despite opposition.

Your Stress Sources

Sensitive, and susceptible to gentleness and delicacy of feeling, with a desire to blend into some sort of mystic fusion of erotic harmony. However, this desire remains unsatisfied due to the lack of a suitable partner or adverse conditions, and she keeps a strict and watchful control on her emotional relationships as she needs to know precisely where she stands. Is fastidious, esthetic, and has a cultured taste which allows her to form and express her own taste and judgment, especially in the fields of art and artistic creativity. Strives to ally with others who can assist her in her intellectual or artistic growth.

Your Restrained Characteristics

Has high emotional demands and is willing to involve herself in a close relationship, but not with any great depth of feeling.
Clings to her belief that her hopes and ideas are realistic, but needs encouragement and reassurance. Applies very exacting standards to her choice of a partner and wants guarantees against loss or disappointment.

Your Desired Objective
Considers the existing circumstances disagreeable and over-demanding. Refuses to allow anything to influence her point of view.

Your Actual Problem
Her natural ability to examine everything with critical discrimination has been distorted into an attitude of harsh disapproval, which opposes and denigrates without regard to the real facts.

Your Actual Problem #2
The need for esteem--for the chance to play some outstanding part and make a name for herself--has become imperative. She reacts by insisting on being the center of attention, and refuses to play an impersonal or minor role.

Like every other quiz, it's not completely accurate.

I just thought it was interesting.

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I did not go to school yesterday.

At four am I emailed the English project to my teacher--twice--and again didn't make it to my room upstairs, falling asleep on the couch. At seven when my dad tried to wake me I couldn't get up. I was exhausted, and the cold that had been persistently threatening me through the week decided to hit me full force. Wwhen I thought of it, none of my classes had anything big planned, so I could afford to stay home. Call it a mental health day.

Four hours later, Dad made me get up. I forgot that he'd decided the night before that he was going to call in sick, so I wasn't alone for the day. I did everything I was supposed to do over the weekend--laundry, vacuuming, etc., yesterday. Then I watched six or so episodes of Alias, received a phone call from Ishang, and fell asleep again for about half an hour.

Not since this past summer have I had a day so quiet and empty, I could stay in one place not thinking of anything in particula or doing anything at all.

I was disappointed that Mom and I couldn't spend some time together. She was having a horrible day at werk--someone who tried to fix a small problem actually made it a hundred times worse, and everyone ended up paying for it. For the first time ever, she had a 16-hour work day, and she came home late at night ready to collapse. Suddenly my break after the essay writing marathon didn't seem quite as...justified. She left again three hours ago, one of those rare weekends where she has to work 6 days out of the week. I hope she can come home earlier.

I want to talk to Roxas. I wish I had her number, but I don't want to call Dreamer for it because we'll end up talking...and as much as I love her I don't feel like talking to her. Hopefully Roxas will pop online at some point today, and we can have a silly conversation. That'd be nice.

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I'm very comfortable right now. Everyone else in the house is asleep; I can hear both my parents snoring away in their room above me, and other than that the house is completely silent except for the sound of my fingertips falling on the keyboard.

I feel content because I took a shower about two hours ago, so I now have very nice smelling, so-sexy hair. (I love this shampoo. Love it.) I'm also much warmer compared to last night--I made myself a steaming hot cup of tea, my feet are shoved into slippers, and I'm all layered up in a longsleeved shirt and a sweater. Life is good.

I'm hoping to be done with this English project in the next two to three hours so I can get some sleep. Because of this whole floppy disk mess and my paperless printer I'll have to email the whole doc to my teacher, and she'll just have to print it out later today. Extra credit for turning it in seven hours early? I wish.

I just noticed that I have a bunch of entries written around midnight. I never used to do this before. Last year, I would've been asleep by now. Funny how things work. I've adjusted so well. I can get by feeling all right at school without nine hours of sleep. I'm used to getting three to five now. I can deal with the horrendous feeling of waking up. Sure, I fall asleep in Spanish class every day, but it's easy (thank God for the resemblance to Tagalog and my own linguistic savviness) and I've got an A in there.

There's nothing to complain about.

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I've been shifting from highs and lows all day today. I sometimes forget what a tendency my emotions have to fluctuate.

This morning was completely, utterly silly. I found out that my floppy disk containing the 'Never' poem had somehow been corrupted by this evil machine last night, so the project was almost screwed since I couldn't print it out. I suddenly remembered I'd posted the poem here, so after first period I went straight to my English class. I was about to tell my English teacher about this great idea when I realized the entire class was made of strangers. I'd walked into my wrong period. Feeling completely foolish, I laughed myself to the right class. Later, I was able to copy the poem to Word, center and resize the text, and rescue my grade.

(The bad news was, there was no way to save anything else I've got on the disk, namely the 300+ point English project due tomorrow. All the effort to avoid procrastinating earlier this week has gone to shit cause I'll be up in the wee hours of the morning tonight, rewriting the largest paper of the three. It makes me angry all over again to think about it. Fucking floppy disk...)

At lunch Janelie, Rachel, Navi and I discussed plans for Janelie's LOTR: ROTK birthday outing next Saturday. I'm really, really excited to go see this movie, not only because it's going to be awesome, but also because it's going to be my first time going out with a big group of friends--there'll be a total of ten kinda dorky, straight-and-narrow, Honor-rolling, Legolas and Aragorn fangirl type chicks going to the second showing. The geekiness is going to saturate the air. Damn, I can't wait. I still have to find something to get for her present, though... Anyway, we also talked about spoiled, disrespectful younger siblings. It was really cathartic. I was happy everyone found my stories about TRV funny.

After 5th period I ended up walking a new route with Janelie to the MS building, and as we were talking ____ passed right by me. He was reading a paper as he was walking, so I don't think he noticed me. That half second where he was less than a foot away from me is probably the closest I've ever been to him since last May. I found the fact that this happened amusing--now, when I'm not looking for him, life puts him right in front of my face. What was nice was, I didn't feel a thing. I used to be sad. Then I used to be afraid. Then I used to be hopeful. Now, I'm totally blase. I've moved on. Every time I remember this, I feel happy because I remember waiting for my heart to heal, and it finally has.

I really should write this down: 6th period today wasn't at all as dry as it usually is. I introduced the concept of Filipino street food to a Hispanic acquaintance who was curious about balut. Meow pao[1] is such a fun word. Because he's a loud kind of fool, pretty soon he had all the Flips in class (there are five or six of us including the teacher) laughing and yapping for a whole three distracted minutes about meow pao, askal[2] (fact or fiction? we'll never know.), balut[3], and all the other crazy Filipino food no right person would eat.

You would've had to have been there.




*[1]: You might be familiar with 'sio pao', the well-known Chinese pork bun. As far as I know, Meow Pao, Filipino cat bun, really exists, but I've never tried it.
*[2]: Askal: asong kalye. Translation: dog of the street = stray dog = mutt. I'm convinced this is an urban legend. 'Askal' is what they call stray dogs. That's it. FILIPINOS DO NOT EAT DOG.
*[3]: Balut: Duck egg. With the duck chick, called the 'sisiw' still inside. Many people, even Filipinos themselves, find this disgusting. Me, I grew up eating this, and with the known existence of Meow Pao, I don't mind it at all. I heard they made Fear Factor contestants eat this, and they did the usual gag. I think if they'd eaten it properly (piping hot with some salt), they would've been able to bear it. Like those century eggs. Bunch of sissies.

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This was an English assignment I had today. We had to write a poem or some type of prose mimicking a passage from Elie Wiesel's Night, about a life-changing experience (typical demand, huh). I chose to write about meeting my father for the first time in many years this past summer. I think it's okay...too bad about the 14-line limit, but if I wrote any more it would've been really, really redundant.

Never will I forget the day I spent with my father.
Never will I forget the nervousness and anticipation, watching the time pass, realizing he was late.
Never will I forget my insides twisting as the doorbell rang, and the whisper of air as I opened the door.
Never will I forget my shock and awkwardness at his embrace.
Never will I forget the smile of acceptance from my sister, and the affection I felt for her in return.
Never will I forget the fascination at the words I was speaking when they asked me about my life.
Never will I forget the efforts of relatives I hadn't seen in years to know me again.
Never will I forget the relief and guilt of not belonging in this alternate family.
Never will I forget the happiness of being in my sister's company.
Never will I forget my father's disappointment at my silence when he said "I love you".
Never will I forget everyone wrapped in their own thoughts and darkness as we sped home on the highway.
Never will I forget the reluctant tears and questionable promise to visit again.
Never will I forget the relief of returning to my mother's arms.
Never will I forget that day. Never.

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