I've got 3 outlines due tomorrow for extra credit I desperately need, and I'm not even completely done with the first. I can't plan what I'm going to write if I don't know what to write about, and the lack of inspiration for another two theses is fcuking frustrating.

I'd love to just curl up in bed and go to sleep...for the past weeks, the best moment of each day has always been those transitioning seconds between wakefulness and sleep, when I pull the covers up and my head hits the pillow. I remember when I used to get 9 hours of sleep every day. At this point, those memories seem foreign and unreal. 9 hours?!? I used to want to stay up late--when I was a little kid it was the best small kind of pleasure that I always fought for. I would beg and plead to experience the novelty of seeing the clock tick past my bedtime. On the night of my 11th or 12th birthday, my mom and I were up playing Scrabble at 2 a.m....it was my bright idea.

How I could not have wanted to sleep when I could seems greatly senseless and insane now. It really does.

* * *

I just remembered--I had a dream last night featuring ____. For the first time in months, he was there, playing his part in that night's movie of my mind. His role: a friend. An actual, true, platonic friend. And then this morning: walking down the hall in each other's direction, and not looking away. Was it just me, or was that the slightest shadow of a smile playing on his face? Did it have anything to do with what was in my profile?



"some things haven't changed, but i can tell you a million more that have.


i loved you because of who you were to me.
i let you go for the same reason.





hindi ako nalulungkot. marami ang aking magandang mga alaala tungkol sa'yo, at alam ko ngayon na hanggat kailanman maaalala kita kasi may puesto ka sa puso ko.

i'm not sad. i've got many beautiful memories of you, and i now i'll always remember you forever cause you've got a place in my heart.

goodbye."


So we both walked in the same space without flinching. What does that have to do with anything? There are too many unknowns in this scenario to be sure of the reason. I don't know for a fact that he has my screenname. I guess my mind is just fond of the idea that he's received my message. I'm half hoping he did. The other half would rather not think at all.

But it really doesn't matter...

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It's been crazy lately, but that's nothing new. The overwerked and underpaid teachers have been...doing their jobs and dumping on assignment after assignment after big test after huge project...hell must not be experiencing any technical difficulties, cause they're receiving the signals loud and clear. Nah, don't mind me. I'm just bitter about having to pull another all-nighter when I was so looking forward to getting some sleep tonight, since I did this last night already...!

Awright, I'm done bitching.

Yay, go me--I got into Mock Trial. Every Tuesday (and sometimes Monday), I will now be staying at school until 8:30 or so at night. County competition's in February, and with half (maybe more) of the team being newbies, I'm thinking we'll need the pratice. I've landed a semi-important witness role on the defense team...it's a second banana type thing where I'm supposed to do my level best doing my part in trying to prove my friend's (the accused's) innocence. It's gonna be fun. And hopefully next year I can move up to being some form of attorney.

Cologuard marching season is O V E R. Tomorrow we're having a little good-bye and congratulations kinda party with the band, and then Tuesday is the informational Winterguard meeting. Three people told me today that they would be going. In all honesty, I'd rather that two of them not show up...which is sad, considering one of them's my friend, Rachelle. I'm scared that being in the same place at the same time will put a strain on the friendship between us. The other girl is a chick from my Speech + Debate class. I like her, I respect her--but she was asking me how open my captain was to "new ideas and suggestions". Not that my captain isn't but I get the feeling there may be power struggles and/or some kind of drama on the way if she doesn't know her place. There's a line between submitting good ideas and trying to mutiny your captain's creative liscence. Out of respect and appreciation for my captain as my superior and my friend, I actually do my part in getting my comrades to shut up and stop bitching about the routine/the weather ruining our flags/whatever.

...I think I have a little crush on the one guy in CG. I like him for many reasons--he seems to be really nice, he seems to be confident and comfortable with himself, he seems to be ramdomly physically affectionate, he is for a fact equipped with a good sense of humor, he is for a fact one of the best actors at school, and he's fun to be around.

I like him, but I'd like to get to know him better before seeing him as anything other than a friend at this point.

Oh yeah, and you know what's funny? He's got the same name as that guy who likes me.

* * *

Huge English project. Not done. Supposed to be werking on it right now. Not. Better get to it...

Or maybe I'll just go to bed. I can't do this anymore.

* * *

6 hours till I wake up...

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Back to school from a four-day weekend, but it really wasn't so bad. I'm paying the price for procrastinating on this huge english project right now--I would much, much rather be in bed and asleep considering I have to get up at 5 tomorrow to be ready for a rally rehearsal performance... I'm so tired. It's been a long day.

Good news--I made it into Mock Trial! Yay, go me. This is hopefully the start of something great, unlike the shitfaced lie FBLA turned out to be... I still don't know if I'm quitting. Just because I am not a quitter by any stretch of the imagination, and quitting would be an insult to my integrity. I fcuking hate it when people you depend on flake out on you (I hate, hate group projects), so I'm not real comfortable suddenly being one. Eh. I'll figure this one out later. I'm getting more stressed thinking about it.

There's another Colorguard competition on Saturday. I'm hoping we can at least crack the top 10 on this one...3 weeks ago was our first outing, now it's time to show how much we don't suck. And we don't. I'd say our routine has award-winning potential, it's just the out-of-sync people, the performance anxiety people, and the I-can't-smile-while-performing-even-if-you-had-a-gun-to-my-head people who are going against us. I personally have werked as hard as I can to not be in those three categories, so hopefully it all pays off.

New Guy Friend is now just what he's supposed to be...New Guy Friend. It was all settled today through some legal pad im-ing. Thank God. I purposely ignored the question "what can I do to change your mind?" though.

I ramble too much...I need to werk.

sleeeppyyyy...

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Mom called me a couple hours ago (I'm at Grandma's house and the proxy pc right now) about the results of Parent-Teacher conferences night.

It makes me feel good to hear that she and Dad were really, really happy with what they'd heard. Reeeaaalllyyy happy.

Apparently my History teacher feels honored to have me in his class, my English teacher knows I'll be getting an A (apparently the only reason why I didn't this quarter was cause I fcuked up on those hot words tests cause of Homecoming week), and all my teachers agree that I'm a good one. Apparently I'm really well-rounded; not just a good test-taker, but a good writer and public speaker as well. And no one has any problems with me, and I'm a good kid.

The only close to negative remark was that my Chemistry teacher said Ishang and I talked too much during class sometimes, but since I wasn't loud or anything, it's not that big a deal.

Yay. Wonder if this is enough for them to want to allow me to go to the Death Cab for Cutie concert on the 17th... I doubt it, and good old reliable Uncle Jim E. hasn't taken up his offer to bring me along, so...

Well, it's nice to dream, right?

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Today was a completely uneventful, quiet day.

It was nice. Woke up, went to church, came back home and multitasked watching a couple Friends DVDs while doing this week's history study guide and then later three loads of laundry. Days like this are rare, so I really enjoy the no-brainer activities.

[edit monday 11/9'03]

The Godfather and I watched Revolutions on Saturday. It wasn't bad, I think it ended the story well enough--but it really could have been better. I felt like they ran out of steam and just wanted everything to end as quickly as possible. I take back what I said two sentences ago. What a sad end to such an awesome beginning. The first movie was so revolutionary for me. But...by now, everything's been done, I guess. Nothing left anymore. Not even the confrontation between Neo and Agent Smith was as stunning as it should have been. So I guess the only reason I can say this movie ended the story well was because it gave a resolution--not necessarily a great one.

* * *

I have to study and create my answers for the Mock Trial tryout tomorrow. It's been a week, but I haven't had the time or motivation to get to it. I really think I should quit FBLA. There's nothing there for me. Every Tuesday when there's a meeting I keep thinking, I really, really don't want to be there. That's not how it should be. Extracurricular activities should be ones that hold my interest. At first I thought FBLA did, but it doesn't. The only reason I joined was because I wanted some community service hours, and I was convinced to join. I'm better off joining Key Club, or dedicating all my time to Colorguard (and if I make it, Mock Trial). I should be somewhere I want to be, since after school hours are mine to do with as I please.

The only problem is, the money. My parents paid $15 for me to be there. $15...out of the other close to, what--$90 something that went to my after-school stuff. If that money can't be transferred or refunded, I have to stay. For 15 lousy dollars, I have to stay because they could've used that money for something useful. I'm not throwing my mom's money down the toilet because it's not just selfish and inconsiderate, it's fucking disrespectful. I don't even need her yelling at me to know that. So everything depends on...the money.

I hate money. It makes people nuts. (Not terribly insightful there, but I'm kinda tired. I went to sleep at 2 last night.)

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The eventfulness of this past week is staggering.

Recent life has been eventful...and suddenly complicated.

Tuesday was very interesting, to say the least. Let me explain: at the beginning of this quarter, around 2 or 3 weeks ago, my seat in my 2nd period class was moved. Since that time my seat had been moved, I'd been having little conversations with this guy...let's call him Class Friend. I never thought of him beyond someone to talk to during that hour of class. Not even an out-of-school friend. It's a long story, but that day I found out that he likes me.

Today he asked me how I felt when I found out, and I said I was flattered, but I wasn't willing to be more than friends. I don't know how he feels about that. I'm guessing, not happy. I really hope I didn't leave any destruction behind...

Also on Tuesday: I attended the Mock Trial werkshop. Tryouts are on the 11th, I really need to figure out how I'm going to play my character and what my answers to the questions will be... I hope I make the team. This is something that I really want, and I can't see the future happening any other way but my making the team. I expect to be a witness this year, and I expect to move up next year. It's gotta happen.

There's more, but I forget what I was going to say...


* * *

THANK GOD FOR A FOUR DAY WEEKEND.

The only good thing so far this week...

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