Happy birthday, ____.

I hope you have a good year, and a good life. I hope everything works out for you.

Thanks for the memories, and the lessons and experiences. You meant a lot to me, and I hope someday you'll be able to think of me without counting me as a horrible person.

I remembered, because you were important to me...

I guess, in so many words, that's all I want to tell him. Actually, just to greet him 'happy birthday' would've been enough for me--I planned on doing so if I happened to run into him today, on or offline. I didn't, so it looks like it's not meant to happen. I'm not meant to speak to him, ever again.

I've been counting today as the last day, the last opportunity or whatever you call it, to spark something between us again, because this time last year, I remembered his birthday. I'd only asked him once, a few weeks before, but I remembered. I greeted him and gave him this deck of Gundam Wing playing cards I'd bought the first year I moved to this town. I looked for him before school that Friday, waiting in the hallway where he usually passed me by as Ishang and I would walk to class. He didn't come, and I was worried he hadn't come to school at all. I found him at lunch though, and gave him the cards, and felt like flying when he said they kicked ass. The Christian club had a lunchtime activity, acting out some 'Jesus is my SAVIOR' type skit to the music of Linkin Park. He showed me his wallet full of cash his parents gave him.

But, I digress. That was last year. Here and now, I wonder if my the choice I made yesterday was the right one. All week I'd been planning on showing up at the Anime Club meeting yesterday afternoon, walking up to him, and wishing him 'Happy birthday tomorrow'. Hoping that it would start a conversation that promised closure, then a new beginning. I had damn near the entire scene playing in my head, except for his replies. In any case, the scenario always ended with an understanding of the difference between who we were before, and who we are now, and why it meant we could be friends again.

I walked out of my last class yesterday, made it halfway to the Anime Club's room. Stopped dead in my tracks, and turned back.

There's a difference between what plays out in my head, and the rules of reality. I'm never more in tune with the reality of the situation than when I'm actually in the same place as him. Take, for example, the FBLA meeting on Thursday. I was standing in line to sign in, and he came through the door. He would've been the person standing behind me, had he fallen in line. But he didn't. He stood for a second to my left--there was another guy between us, but I could see him. I could feel him refuse to look in my direction. I was completely frozen myself. I couldn't break the habit of my fear, even to twitch and turn my head to the left. It was only for a few seconds, and then he walked away.

I wonder if he was relieved when I left early for Winterguard practice. Maybe he didn't care at all. Maybe I was already so unimportant while we were 'together' that anytime I'm around, I don't even factor in. Not even as much as a chair or an insect. When I think about it, I wouldn't be surprised.

You know...

I've heard accounts from people who have been or are in love--what it's like, what to look for. I've heard about feelings and intensities and common things people do for each other if they care. And we never had any of that. I know what we had wasn't real. What we had wasn't even in the same ballpark, not even the same game. Maybe that's all it was. A game. Never did he refer to me as his girlfriend. Never did he do anything to make me think or feel like I was someone special, like he cared.

There were just meaningless words. He was my first lesson in 'actions speak...'

I've learned that in the beginning, everything is beautiful. But the more time passes, the uglier it gets. Because we didn't have a solid foundation of friendship to fall back on. Girl likes Boy, Boy likes Girl, so they both do everything they can to impress the other person, and in the process of trying to appear at their best, they mislead each other into thinking they are something they are not: perfect. Had the Girl and Boy been true friends who knew each other inside out, their relationship would have progressed differently; it would've been stronger. They would have known each other's quirks and imperfections and true faces, so there wouldn't have been any need to patronize.

It makes me sad that nothing worked out the way it should've. Then again, maybe this is exactly how it was supposed to go. In any case, I didn't wish him happy birthday.

And now that it's thirty-five minutes into December 7th, I feel fine.

Here's to tomorrow, or today.

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