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Technically, it's Thursday already, but as I'm not in bed yet, it's still Wednesday night for this girl.

Surprisingly, I'm not tired. I think my system's completely adjusted to sleeping at unholy hours of the morning as for the past three days my head's been hitting the pillow at 2 a.m. Not on purpose. I go to bed feeling like the day wasn't long enough for me to accomplish anything--but the thing is, once schoolwork is done, there's nothing to be accomplished. I want to be doing something, I should be doing something...but what?

I want to write. I want to design leparts._______.net and get it the hell online because I don't want to waste so much free and perfect space...if only I 1) had a card reader for my camera and 2) had time to learn to use my putanginang shit ftp.

I wish I could just will my pages online. Wouldn't that be great? If we could all just slap our pages on the Internet through sheer force of will, and they would perfectly match the vision in our minds. There'd be no limits of 'I don't know this language/script/code so I can't make it happen'. I really do wish.

For some reason, that last part reminds me of some guy in one of my classes saying if he had a wish for the world, it would be that everyone had Pokemon. Because that would be great as well.

After a minute or two of thought, I had to agree.

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Today was a beautiful day. As far as Mondays go, this was probably one of the best.

It was the first day back from winter break, and there wasn't any stress or aggravation, even though everyone is flipping out about finals being next week and the workload is one of epic proportions. I was chipper the entire time seeing Ishang, Janelie, Rachel, Navi, Sze, and even Lin ("where the hell has he been?") again after so long. This is probably the best first day back ever. I hope will set an auspicious pattern for the rest of the year.

What made this day great was just talking and spending time with everyone and catching up on how everyone had been doing. I love talking to these people. They're flipping great. It's so weird how simple the cause of my happiness was--that rarely happens. I don't know the last time I experienced such joy in being in the company of others.

Another reason why today was so great: I absolutely nailed my Oral Interpretation speech that I'd been writing and rehearsing with great care last night til two in the morning. The most applause I've ever received, I think. Hot damn.

* * *

And then...I saw ____.

Janelie and I were walking to sixth, and I was just telling her how euphoric I was. ____ and I walked right past each other, for a split second the closest we'd ever been because of the narrowness of the hallway. I saw him coming. But his presence didn't interrupt my mood at all. Janelie and I kept moving, and I was still happy.

I was still flying.

* * *

When I remember him now, I think of him warmly. Nothing hurts, nothing's cracked or bruised or broken anymore. I'm actually happy for him. I'm happy to catch glimpses of him from a distance, talking and laughing and smiling. I no longer think, 'he used to smile that way for me', because he didn't. And that's okay. I missed you. I cared for you. I loved you. Everything's in past tense now. Passed tense.

I wish him happy birthday, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and good luck with the rest of his life and I hope everything works out for him.

I thank him for opening my eyes to how stupid kids can be, myself and him included. I thank him for being not the standard, but the benchmark to be forgotten with the other guys to come. For being the exhibits in the lessons learned from the craziest, happiest, and most confusing time of my life so far.

I say and think all these things silently as I pass him by and move on, the only outward sign of my thoughts being the genuine smile on my face as I remember all the good things that came out of mutual foolishness. It actually takes effort now to remember the unpleasant events as well. And I recall the lessons from those as well, so they aren't so unpleasant.

Bye and good luck, Gabe.

* * *

This is the New Year. Full of opportunity and potential waiting to be discovered.

I love it already.

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The new year is coming up fast. And I'm ready for a change. I'm ready for a lot of changes in my life. Time is flying by, but that's fine with me. I want this year to end. This year, though it wasn't especially horrible or difficult, needs to be gone so that I can change. It's become a tradition. At the beginning of every year, I make resolutions, and over the course of the year, I do everything to keep them. But they're not just resolutions, they're also plans and ideas I use to move towards self-improvement. That, for me, is what the beginning of each year is. A start on my forced evolution.

What's different about this year is that I don't have any clear step I want to take. I haven't thought of anything beyond doing well in school and taking better care of myself (especially my skin). I guess more things will come along later.

* * *

I tried to write an overall rating of 2003. I couldn't. I can't reflect on something I haven't distanced myself from.

All I have are disjointed ruminations.

* * *

Many memories of freshman year and the way I acted make me flinch. Especially my experience with ____. If I could meet her, I would happily throttle my fourteen-year-old self before she allowed anyone to play with and step on her emotions. But...I can say that I was able to learn more about myself and the type of person I am, and all the other lessons that came out of it. And I can't say that all I have are bad memories. I don't regret very much. I'm happy that I can say that.

...I'm just waiting for him to leave so I can move on completely...

* * *

This year I saw that the people who I'd placed on pedestals in my childhood were really human and had no business being up there. I never saw their faults before, maybe because I never thought of them as faults before.

Though I've seen their flaws surface I can accept Dad, Mom, Papa, Mama, the Godfather, the Aunts and Uncles, and Dreamer. And Ishang, Janelie, C, and everyone else around me...

Nobody's on a pedestal anymore.

Nobody's perfect. No shit.

* * *

When exactly did I stop caring about the way I look? I don't mean that I'm happy to walk out of the house looking like I just rolled out of bed, but appearance has been becoming less and less of an issue. As long as I look clean, neat, and smell nice, I'm fine. It doesn't take me an hour to get ready to go out anymore. I wear less makeup, and I often do it in the car.

My face doesn't matter as much as my mind. I'm glad to have crossed that boundary. It means I can put more focus on the really important things.

* * *

I've talked about the uncertainty of my future before. The difference between now and last week is that I've come to terms with the fact that I have no idea how it's going to go, but since I have the power to improve my chances of success, I'm going to work with what I've got. And no matter what happens, I'll be okay anyway. Bahala na. [Whatever.]

* * *

[This part was written later in the day.]

If there's one thing I'd like to change about myself or work on, it's my wishy-washyness. I don't have strong definite opinions and I'm not decisive enough to be called that. I always have this attitude of 'I don't know enough about what I'm talking about so I'm better off keeping my mouth shut', and it's not something that will get me anywhere. I'm not gonna make myself into a Type-A personality, that's impossible. I don't even know how to get rid of this submissiveness instilled in me, but I'll try to. I don't want to keep silent anymore. When I have something to say, I want to say it.

This is what I want to try. Hopefully it'll work.

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I came down with a slight fever last Friday, the beginning of winter break. The fever's gone now, but the sore throat, hacking cough, and chills are still there. I ended up not going to Janelie's ROTK viewing birthday party on Saturday. Seven people yelled "GET WELL SOON!" into a cell phone at a crowded public place for me, and promised to save me and Watkins a seat in their row...'in honor of the fallen'. I made up that joke when we found out Watkins couldn't come. Such a nice gesture. Nowhere near as good as having been there, but appreciated much the same.

I spent the weekend day sitting around, falling asleep at weird intervals, and recovering. I made myself about three cranberry-orange juice cocktails (too bad we didn't have any Sprite), patented a method for taking those godawful huge Vitamin C's (broke them in half), felt hardcore cause I was able to knock back two Motrins at once (yeah--shut up), and opened a couple presents from Grandma in VA. She'd called to check up the Christmas package had arrived in one piece, and wanted me and TRV to open our presents from her. TRV had to peel himself off the ceiling after discovering a platinum Gameboy Advance SP and two games underneath the wrapping paper. I didn't have a bad haul either: five pairs of cute boxer chonies, a shirt, and $50.

* * *


I wrote that part this morning, and didn't finish because I felt so tired. I'm staying over at Mom and Pop's house until Christmas Eve, and I always have a hard time sleeping when I'm here, so last night I didn't close my eyes til 2 am. Then woke at eight this morning for the long awaited salon appointment to get a haircut and my colors. I now have lovely red streaks in my dark dark brown hair, which is up to my shoulders again. I'm never going to be a typical Azn chick with fine, glossy, silky straight hair down to her ass...that's okay. It's a bitch to maintain, and I bet at the end of the day it smells really funky from all the places she's been sitting.

Enough sidetracking.

* * *

When put into perspective, today hasn't been a horrible day at all. I'm emotionally ready for Christmas to be here, and I'm looking forward to it with some anticipation. The only problem is that between the time I wrote this morning and now, I've started feeling much worse. Lightheaded, dizzy, hacking up my lungs every twenty minutes...yet I'm determined to make it to the Aunties' celebrations in F and P, and I'm equally bent on studying for finals, nailing my speech, and completing the extra credit assignments and projects that were dumped on me last Friday. I need to get better. Who the hell knew that what I'd want for Christman 2003 wouldn't be something electronic or the entrance of a special boy in my life, but some good health and a certain future for me and the people I love.

I never realized just how uncertain my future really is until last week. My counselor called me in to show me the PSAT results. They weren't bad, but they were far from great. Especially the Math test, where I scored a wilting 39. The 61 and 60 on the Verbal and Writing tests kind of made up for it. After he showed us our scores, Sze and I sat in our counselor's office for almost forty minutes listening to his 'How to Get into a University' spiel. It was nice finding out what I need to do, but at the same time it was so disconcerting because a) I doubt my parents can afford to send me where I want to go, b) I'm too much of an average student to make it in anyway and c) if I don't go to a school with a formidable reputation, it's pointless. This doesn't mean I'm giving up the fight before it starts--hell no, not by any stretch. I will do my best to cover all my bases and give myself the best chance of being accepted, not because that is what is required of me but because I won't be able to sleep if I feel like I'm not doing enough. I see stress up to my eyeballs in the coming year. Thank God I'm lucky enough to have a great group of people to fight the good fight with. Thank God when I need them the most...they're there, and the will still be there this coming year. For the first time in my life...I've lucked out so much in the friends department.

This is what isn't so warm and fuzzy...my great friends don't change the fact that my chances are slim and the money is nowhere to be found. But...Option Two was presented itself last Friday (damn, lots of things happened that day) at a presentation about the Air Force Academy. I'm almost a hundred percent confident that I can make it in there--I have that same feeling of total surety that I had about making it into Mock Trial. I can't tell you how everything being free in there appeals to me. I can't explain how much I can see myself getting to the light at the end of the tunnel--a job at the UN--through the Academy as a stepping stone. The cadet at the presentation told us that you have to really want to be in the Academy, that going into service for the money wasn't going to get you anywhere.

Since then I've been questioning my desire to get in there. The first, most prominent reason I could think was that going to the Academy means a free, reputable education. NO strain on my parents' bank accounts. They have more than enough time to prepare for TRV's college education in nine years. Graduating from the Academy surely guarantees me a position pretty much anywhere I want to work. So would I be doing it for the money?

Yes. It does.

I'd be living my life for the stupid material commodity that drives people insane. I'd miss out on countless birthdays, holidays, graduations, anniversaries--I wouldn't be able to see my cousins grow up. I would'nt see my brother grow up. I'd come home after my time in the Air Force, and they would wonder who I was. Letters and emails don't stop people from growing apart. Reading an open webjournal is nowhere in the same ballpark as being there.

Being able to take care of my parents and grandparents--never again having to hear the exhaustion in their voices as they struggle to keep us happy and cared for--at the price of losing them? At the price of changing myself? I know how people in the military come back home drastically changed. I wouldn't be the same person I was before I left. I know that happens during college, too, but not to the extent that going into the military would.

I don't know if I'm willing to sacrifice this time with my family. But I have new and greater respect for the people who do.

Where do I go from here?

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This is pretty crazy...I've just realized that the display board I bought is way too big. I don't have enough information for this huge display board. I should've just bought a fucking poster board, that would've worked. If I'd bought a poster board, I'd probably be done by now instead of searching desperately for some filler information.

I feel like ripping my hear out, this is so frustrating.

But I actually feel like going to sleep a lot more...today's the longest day of the week, I don't get home til around nine, and I don't sleep until twelve or one. I need the energy.

Damnit. Why am I so unlucky that I actually have to present tomorrow (today)?

*stress*

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