Man, I really screwed up my life. Emerald is still mad at me and there's no way I can make things any better than they are. I want so much but it's not right for me to want it. I mean, just because I want something doesn't mean I should have it. Since Emerald obviously doesn't want me around, I have to oblige her request and stay away... But I'm driving myself nuts also, which is my own fault anyway. There are times when I want to forget I ever met her to escape all of this but, for the millionth time, I can't.

To rattle this off into a semi-poetic analogy, she's the tide in my life. I feel the sway as she extends to land and recedes. To change the subject of this paragraph since I can't continue on that train of thought, I've tried to fill in the gap I made through my stupidity but it hasn't worked. My other friends don't really seem that important to me compared to fixing what I've wronged... which I can't do. I'm in a mindset that I can't shake even though I know what I'm trying to do can't have any positive outcome. No, I can't let Emerald go - no one should let go of something so important to them. I don't know what to do, though. I can't make anything up to her, she's never going to get over it (and she has reason), I'm never going to get over her (which is perpetuating the problem), and I'm screwing things up right and left. I shifted the focus of my life unintentionally and I can't shift it back. In fact, I don't believe I want to.

I've always been a dreamer, which is a good thing since that's going to have to be what I am from now on. I can't have what I want without interfering with someone else's life and imposing myself into it so I just have to imagine what things would be like if none of this had happened... Thoughts like I had in the beginning... But these thoughts, these dreams that I have always leave me elated and on the verge of crying in sorrow and pain somehow. I want the tides to turn again, wash away the wrongs I've done, but it's not going to happen. I have to live with it, I am, but I'm not moving past it.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to when nothing I did mattered. When I could break something in ignorance, say sorry, and have everything go back to normal. If life were only that simple... if I could have that second chance at this... at everything. I'm not going to ask, though. I know her answer, the only answer... I know what I've done and yet, in a sense, I don't. I don't know to what scale I affected her other than it being on the greater end. I'm not sure I want to know, but I do want to fix things.

I'd gladly take on the cross she bears, with all its weight and weighting pains, to see her happy. Those rare occasions when she was were special... I felt like the luckiest person in the world to be with her to enjoy them. I'll never be able to do that again so I have to dream my dreamer's dream.

If I could escape the easy way by cheating myself years of life, letting them spill out onto the pavement, I would. But I can't. If my death would distress Emerald in some way, it's not worth experiencing prematurely. I'm not the smartest person in the world, nor will I ever be, but I can't give in, I can't give up, and I can't be what I want. It's like having lived in a dreamland and being woken up to a nightmare that never ends.

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There aren't words to summarize just how bad I screwed things up this time. And, as hard as it is to imagine, it's something I did and didn't do fused into one. I promised Emerald I'd get her something and then the guy who I was getting it from was forced to back out of the deal... thus leaving me to run around school all day trying to find someone who was willing to part with what I was looking for. I had no luck, though, and now I'm really sad... Emerald told me she was basically going to get jumped if I didn't get it for her so now I'm really worried. I told her right after school and she didn't give a very emphatic response... but I know she's got to be pissed. I was seriously debating whether I should just follow her home to make sure whoever she was talking about doesn't mess with her but I decided against it because my presence would probably discomfort her greatly. I've basically been teary since she walked away from me at school...

This is horrible. I don't know what I'm going to do if she gets jumped... It's all my fault - again. I should have tried to protect her, even if she hated me for it... I know she would be happier, infinitely so, if I were dead. I've actually contemplated suicide since doing what caused all of this and, at some point, I'm going to find that the good aspects of suicide are going to outweigh the bad and I'm going to do it. But as long as she's happy when I'm gone, it would be worth it. God - I hope she's okay.

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Being sick really isn't helping my situation. During the past few days, I've been forcing myself to go to bed earlier than usual because, well, I feel like shit. I've had much too much time to think about Emerald thanks to that and I'm going crazy. I was just standing by her talking to Alton earlier today and she walked away so, as hard as it was to do, I walked in a completely different direction. It didn't help that Alton was laughing at me for doing it either. I swear I'm going to kill him if he ever says anything about what I do to keep myself from bugging Emerald... Well, at least he's trustworthy enough not to say anything to anyone. I'd still kill him, though.

It's so hard to tear myself away from Emerald, though. I wonder what things would be like if I could tell her all the things she'd never dare to ask... Speaking of which, I sort of wonder what those things are since everyone has some of those questions. But it's no time to worry about any of that. I should be focusing on... whatever I am now.

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore, though. I want to get her to like me again, but that's not going to happen... And I want her to trust me which, again, isn't going to happen. And I want things to go back to what they were before... None of this is going to happen. I know I should accept that I've lost what I had, but I can't. I've had scores of crushes on girls based completely on vanity but it's different with Emerald. I actually like her for being who she is - what she thinks and what she does. Oh, sure, she's physically attractive too but I don't dwell on that. It was refreshing to be able to say to myself, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world," every morning when I woke up. She's the perfect blend of intellectuality and beauty. That makes her as close to the perfect person as I think possible.

I think I let all of this passionate feeling get the best of me, though. I do notice that she sort of used me to do a few things... nothing too major, but I didn't really care anyway. I think I volunteered myself into that position, strangely enough. I was just trying to make her happy by doing what she wanted but I guess I went too far with that too. I made a lot of mistakes... and they're costing me.

What's even worse is that I tend to be receptive enough to know when she's feeling bad about something which, in turn, makes me feel bad. When my pain is mine and hers too, it gets extremely hard to function but I manage. I'm sure my life would be much easier if I forgot about her, moved on with my life, and didn't look back but I can't force myself to overlook her. Emerald was and still is the sun of my life. I go up as she rises and fall with her. I'm the sea to her moon, if you will.

Now, please excuse me as I go off to sing Love's Divine by Seal and do my homework.

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I think I made things worse with Emerald last night. I'm not going to go into gruesome detail, but I know I disgusted her quite a bit... I have mixed feelings about telling her what I did, though. On one hand, it was good that I said it because she has a right to know just what I was doing and, on the other, I got really pissed that I disgusted her so much. She seemed rather irrational, to say the least, after I told her and I feel really bad about that. I really don't want to be anyone's cause to kill themselves - especially not her. I don't know what I'd do if she did... The thought really scares me. I was up until about four this morning holding on to my phone, wanting to call her but holding back. I get the feeling she doesn't really want to talk to me, though, since she didn't answer the times I had called earlier... and I don't blame her for it... but it's just hard to even think about what I did to her.

At least she has good reason to be her form of "pissed" at me now since she knows what I did. Even if she says she isn't mad, I'm sure there's a lot of resentment in her. I mean, if I was a girl and my boyfriend did that to me I'd be disgusted and mad and never talk to the guy again... if I could help it anyway. I figured out that there's definitely a trust issue too, since... well, nevermind, but she won't say anything about that either. From my standpoint, I find not trusting me now really stupid since there's no way I'm ever going to do anything around her again (since she'll never want me anywhere within a proximity of around a mile of her while she's alone again)... but I can see where she's coming from. If I didn't know what I or, in her case "he", was, or is, thinking, I'd be scared out of my mind to be anywhere near me too.

It does kind of annoy me that she even thought that I could be interested solely in her looks, though. Emerald is the type of person that, assuming I could speak around her, I'd like to chat with for hours. We wouldn't even have to talk about anything... Which is what was going on. I mean, she's just an embodiment of everything positive in a person. She's not my shadow - she disagrees with me, she has her own opinions and ideas and values, she speaks her mind, she does... everything that I could ask of someone. She liked me for who I was... And I had to do one thing that lead to a series of stupid things that lead to losing any chance with her and everything in the avenue of love. Every time something is going for me, I screw it up. All I wanted was to make her happy. When she's happy I'm happy, when she's sad I'm sad... It's like she's the person holding the end of a rope, shaking it, and I'm the twisting end. I don't want to give up and lose everything that I strove for in one concession. I couldn't. I can't stop myself from being in love.

I have so many questions that have gone unasked because I know how thin the ice I am on is. I'm tearing myself up over them. I wish that I could ask... but I never will. She's not going to get over this - I wouldn't so I can't expect her to. I'm not going to get over it either. You can't lose everything and expect no pain in return. But I couldn't live if I made her do something drastic because of it. I know she'd never purposely harm herself, but I've only known her to be rather indifferent to what's been going on... If I accidently tread over something too heavily and everything caves in on her... I'd never forgive myself.

And what's worse is that while I was telling her all of this, completely from my point of view, she thought I was lying and making excuses. I don't know how I'm going to get her to believe that I couldn't lie to her... I don't think I ever will. What I did was completely disgusting. I should be jailed for it, I'd agree. I honestly would give anything to take it back, but anything isn't enough - it can't be fixed. I wish I didn't make so many stupid assumptions. I wish I hadn't done things without asking her. I wish I hadn't done anything. I wish things were like they were before. I wish I could go back in time. But I can't, so those things will never be.

I mean, I really don't think you can ever expect someone to get better if they lose someone that makes them feel whole... that gives them purpose. She's all I've wanted since the day I've met her and now it's like reaching to the moon from atop a ladder. If I fall, I'm not floating with the stars, I hit the ground harder than ever. I looked up to her, thought of her first, I should have just asked if she wanted me to but I thought that if I did something right without asking her, just once, she might think more of me. Now I wish she hadn't said that one thing... I took a by-and-by comment for a cry of jealously... I heard the cry and responded... I was afraid but I went ahead. I did it and I lost everything. Now I'm going to spend my time wondering what would've happened if I hadn't acted on my assumption. What things could have turned out to be if I weren't such an idiot. If I hadn't taken all of her advice to me. If I hadn't done what I didn't want to.

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Okay, after a long yelling session with Emerald, I've realized a few things about myself. I realized I was changing everything that I was for her when she probably started liking me for who I was in the beginning anyway. I think I even understand why I did it: I wanted to learn more about her.

Of course, it really doesn't make any sense to change who I am to learn more about someone who was more interested in who I was before I got the notion to do anything. I realize that didn't make much sense but I'm trying to say that I shouldn't have tried to be different. I know that I should never have to change who I am to impress someone. That's just stupid. I mean, I've done some really stupid shit in my life, but that's pretty much the epitome of it all. Why in the world would I want someone to like me for everything that I'm not? I obviously try to hard because I don't know what to do. That should be rather obvious because I was completely oblivious to Emerald's attempt to steer me towards being an individual. I took her pointers to mean I needed to change myself more and, well, we all know where that got me. I was just too concerned with making her happy to realize that I was doing just the opposite. I was also too caught up in everything to realize that the problem wasn't something I couldn't see. It was me.

That sort of brings me to another point. I have a lot of outlets for the things I dislike, not necessarily hate, and very few for the things I love and like. I guess I abuse the love outlets when I find them and I go overboard and I end up destroying them. The problem is that I never realize what I'm done until after I've ruined the outlet. But it's hard not to pour a lot of positive energy into those outlets with all of the negative engergy that I direct towards other things. I swear I'd go insane if I didn't balance all of this love and hate. I mean, how many things do you really enjoy during the day versus how many you're annoyed by? If you're anything like me, the ratio is tilted towards the annoyances enough to completely disgust me. I suppose I start thinking I have to make the best of the good and, thus, put too much into it. It's also unfair that I do all of this because I care so much about those love outlets that I end up making those people unhappy...

I also realized something else that's really interesting. I always ask for advice on what I shouldn't and kill myself over what I should ask about. I always find myself asking other people about my personal problems. I mean, I should really be able to figure out what I should do about my own problems, right? There's not going to be anyone there to answer all of my questions when I get out into the real world, so I should get used to puzzling things out for myself. It's really not fair that I always rant about my problems to people when I want advice - they don't want to hear what I'm upset about... So I just spent a few hours apologizing profusely to as many people as I could find. Anyway, the things that I should ask about are the things I dont. Math, for instance, is extremely difficult for me. Some of the concepts are just too difficult for me to grasp for some reason, but instead of asking for help I sit there and redo problems until they are right and get frustrated over it. I mean, I have a genius mathematician for a brother and I've never asked him to explain something to me.

I really don't understand myself sometimes, but then again, I'd doubt anyone else does. At least we're all on the same page.

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It's safe to say that I can't get along very well by focusing on my "hobbies". After two days of trying to put them first, I've realized just how dull of a person I am. Sure, I've been transmogrifing air into art and literature as of late but that gets really dull quickly. So here's what I say: screw my hobbies, I'll focus on things at hand. I was prefectly fine leading my average life, boredom and all, because I didn't oversaturate the time I spent on things. Well, I suppose that's not entirely true, I spent most of my time thinking about Emerald. Needless to say, that was rather fun if not a tad confusing.

Make no mistake, I'm not going to give up on trying to reform my relationship with Emerald from the dust I ground it into, I'm just going to follow my whims as I normally would instead of this "work at your hobbies" crap. I only have a handful of hobbies to speak of anyway. Anyway, I really have to work on saying what I'm thinking, so I think I'll try to work that out for a few days.

Let's see, Mrs. Lighty called me out of Mr. Thompson's class today to ask if I could help teach the freshmen how to swim. I agreed very enthusiastically since it was a nice ticket out of Mr. Thompson's class for a while... He has the most horrible teaching style of any PE teacher I've ever had. He just sits back and says, "Alright, this is what you do - go do it - if you don't do it, I take off points." And, thus said, he retreats to the corner and amuses himself doing absolutely nothing all period. At least Mrs. Lighty is involved. She was even being sort of nice to me, but I suspect that's because someone told her I made Eagle and that gave her a little link to me since her son is an Eagle and whatnot. At least I'm out of the hell-hole for a week or so.

I wonder. If I were to become more open, would people joke with me more? Would they be more willing to talk themselves? If that did happen, would it be for the better? I suppose there's only one way to find out the first two questions - by doing it. As for the third, sure, it'd be worth it if Emerald liked it and, as an added bonus, I'd be more willing to tell people when I get mad, when I get sad, when I'm feeling everything, when I'm not feeling... I could become a magical eight-ball of emotion! It'd be fun.

Mr. Quach lent me an extremely interesting book today, it's called Uncle Tungsten. It's sort of an autobiography of a neurologist who grew up in the midst of a crapload of science-type happenings. He displays everything he learned in a child's perspective (with a college vocabulary) and links it with the happenings of his life. Although I'm only ¹/₂₀ done with the book, I'd seriously recommend it to all of you science-types. I'm learning a lot from reading about a child's discoveries and I suppose that is, in part, because I'm still a child but I think anyone could get a lot out of this book.

Actually, I've always wondered how much writing a book really affects someone. Sure, novels and autobiograpies tell you a lot about the views of the author but just how touched are they by their own messages? I'd think they'd just think one of their ideas is just that - just another idea - while there are millions of people that find it beautiful and start quoting passages to support it. I have people tell me that my poetry is full of emotion and whatnot but I, personally, don't see much of anything in it besides words written on a piece of paper. That's sort of what spawned this entire train of thought, I suppose. Maybe people just read too much into everything and they've found tons of hidden messages within themselves thanks to what other people have written. I don't know, this is too confusing a topic to continue on.

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