Being sick really isn't helping my situation. During the past few days, I've been forcing myself to go to bed earlier than usual because, well, I feel like shit. I've had much too much time to think about Emerald thanks to that and I'm going crazy. I was just standing by her talking to Alton earlier today and she walked away so, as hard as it was to do, I walked in a completely different direction. It didn't help that Alton was laughing at me for doing it either. I swear I'm going to kill him if he ever says anything about what I do to keep myself from bugging Emerald... Well, at least he's trustworthy enough not to say anything to anyone. I'd still kill him, though.

It's so hard to tear myself away from Emerald, though. I wonder what things would be like if I could tell her all the things she'd never dare to ask... Speaking of which, I sort of wonder what those things are since everyone has some of those questions. But it's no time to worry about any of that. I should be focusing on... whatever I am now.

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore, though. I want to get her to like me again, but that's not going to happen... And I want her to trust me which, again, isn't going to happen. And I want things to go back to what they were before... None of this is going to happen. I know I should accept that I've lost what I had, but I can't. I've had scores of crushes on girls based completely on vanity but it's different with Emerald. I actually like her for being who she is - what she thinks and what she does. Oh, sure, she's physically attractive too but I don't dwell on that. It was refreshing to be able to say to myself, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world," every morning when I woke up. She's the perfect blend of intellectuality and beauty. That makes her as close to the perfect person as I think possible.

I think I let all of this passionate feeling get the best of me, though. I do notice that she sort of used me to do a few things... nothing too major, but I didn't really care anyway. I think I volunteered myself into that position, strangely enough. I was just trying to make her happy by doing what she wanted but I guess I went too far with that too. I made a lot of mistakes... and they're costing me.

What's even worse is that I tend to be receptive enough to know when she's feeling bad about something which, in turn, makes me feel bad. When my pain is mine and hers too, it gets extremely hard to function but I manage. I'm sure my life would be much easier if I forgot about her, moved on with my life, and didn't look back but I can't force myself to overlook her. Emerald was and still is the sun of my life. I go up as she rises and fall with her. I'm the sea to her moon, if you will.

Now, please excuse me as I go off to sing Love's Divine by Seal and do my homework.

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