ziwtra's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

I think I made things worse with Emerald last night. I'm not going to go into gruesome detail, but I know I disgusted her quite a bit... I have mixed feelings about telling her what I did, though. On one hand, it was good that I said it because she has a right to know just what I was doing and, on the other, I got really pissed that I disgusted her so much. She seemed rather irrational, to say the least, after I told her and I feel really bad about that. I really don't want to be anyone's cause to kill themselves - especially not her. I don't know what I'd do if she did... The thought really scares me. I was up until about four this morning holding on to my phone, wanting to call her but holding back. I get the feeling she doesn't really want to talk to me, though, since she didn't answer the times I had called earlier... and I don't blame her for it... but it's just hard to even think about what I did to her.

At least she has good reason to be her form of "pissed" at me now since she knows what I did. Even if she says she isn't mad, I'm sure there's a lot of resentment in her. I mean, if I was a girl and my boyfriend did that to me I'd be disgusted and mad and never talk to the guy again... if I could help it anyway. I figured out that there's definitely a trust issue too, since... well, nevermind, but she won't say anything about that either. From my standpoint, I find not trusting me now really stupid since there's no way I'm ever going to do anything around her again (since she'll never want me anywhere within a proximity of around a mile of her while she's alone again)... but I can see where she's coming from. If I didn't know what I or, in her case "he", was, or is, thinking, I'd be scared out of my mind to be anywhere near me too.

It does kind of annoy me that she even thought that I could be interested solely in her looks, though. Emerald is the type of person that, assuming I could speak around her, I'd like to chat with for hours. We wouldn't even have to talk about anything... Which is what was going on. I mean, she's just an embodiment of everything positive in a person. She's not my shadow - she disagrees with me, she has her own opinions and ideas and values, she speaks her mind, she does... everything that I could ask of someone. She liked me for who I was... And I had to do one thing that lead to a series of stupid things that lead to losing any chance with her and everything in the avenue of love. Every time something is going for me, I screw it up. All I wanted was to make her happy. When she's happy I'm happy, when she's sad I'm sad... It's like she's the person holding the end of a rope, shaking it, and I'm the twisting end. I don't want to give up and lose everything that I strove for in one concession. I couldn't. I can't stop myself from being in love.

I have so many questions that have gone unasked because I know how thin the ice I am on is. I'm tearing myself up over them. I wish that I could ask... but I never will. She's not going to get over this - I wouldn't so I can't expect her to. I'm not going to get over it either. You can't lose everything and expect no pain in return. But I couldn't live if I made her do something drastic because of it. I know she'd never purposely harm herself, but I've only known her to be rather indifferent to what's been going on... If I accidently tread over something too heavily and everything caves in on her... I'd never forgive myself.

And what's worse is that while I was telling her all of this, completely from my point of view, she thought I was lying and making excuses. I don't know how I'm going to get her to believe that I couldn't lie to her... I don't think I ever will. What I did was completely disgusting. I should be jailed for it, I'd agree. I honestly would give anything to take it back, but anything isn't enough - it can't be fixed. I wish I didn't make so many stupid assumptions. I wish I hadn't done things without asking her. I wish I hadn't done anything. I wish things were like they were before. I wish I could go back in time. But I can't, so those things will never be.

I mean, I really don't think you can ever expect someone to get better if they lose someone that makes them feel whole... that gives them purpose. She's all I've wanted since the day I've met her and now it's like reaching to the moon from atop a ladder. If I fall, I'm not floating with the stars, I hit the ground harder than ever. I looked up to her, thought of her first, I should have just asked if she wanted me to but I thought that if I did something right without asking her, just once, she might think more of me. Now I wish she hadn't said that one thing... I took a by-and-by comment for a cry of jealously... I heard the cry and responded... I was afraid but I went ahead. I did it and I lost everything. Now I'm going to spend my time wondering what would've happened if I hadn't acted on my assumption. What things could have turned out to be if I weren't such an idiot. If I hadn't taken all of her advice to me. If I hadn't done what I didn't want to.