There aren't words to summarize just how bad I screwed things up this time. And, as hard as it is to imagine, it's something I did and didn't do fused into one. I promised Emerald I'd get her something and then the guy who I was getting it from was forced to back out of the deal... thus leaving me to run around school all day trying to find someone who was willing to part with what I was looking for. I had no luck, though, and now I'm really sad... Emerald told me she was basically going to get jumped if I didn't get it for her so now I'm really worried. I told her right after school and she didn't give a very emphatic response... but I know she's got to be pissed. I was seriously debating whether I should just follow her home to make sure whoever she was talking about doesn't mess with her but I decided against it because my presence would probably discomfort her greatly. I've basically been teary since she walked away from me at school...

This is horrible. I don't know what I'm going to do if she gets jumped... It's all my fault - again. I should have tried to protect her, even if she hated me for it... I know she would be happier, infinitely so, if I were dead. I've actually contemplated suicide since doing what caused all of this and, at some point, I'm going to find that the good aspects of suicide are going to outweigh the bad and I'm going to do it. But as long as she's happy when I'm gone, it would be worth it. God - I hope she's okay.

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