Okay, after a long yelling session with Emerald, I've realized a few things about myself. I realized I was changing everything that I was for her when she probably started liking me for who I was in the beginning anyway. I think I even understand why I did it: I wanted to learn more about her.

Of course, it really doesn't make any sense to change who I am to learn more about someone who was more interested in who I was before I got the notion to do anything. I realize that didn't make much sense but I'm trying to say that I shouldn't have tried to be different. I know that I should never have to change who I am to impress someone. That's just stupid. I mean, I've done some really stupid shit in my life, but that's pretty much the epitome of it all. Why in the world would I want someone to like me for everything that I'm not? I obviously try to hard because I don't know what to do. That should be rather obvious because I was completely oblivious to Emerald's attempt to steer me towards being an individual. I took her pointers to mean I needed to change myself more and, well, we all know where that got me. I was just too concerned with making her happy to realize that I was doing just the opposite. I was also too caught up in everything to realize that the problem wasn't something I couldn't see. It was me.

That sort of brings me to another point. I have a lot of outlets for the things I dislike, not necessarily hate, and very few for the things I love and like. I guess I abuse the love outlets when I find them and I go overboard and I end up destroying them. The problem is that I never realize what I'm done until after I've ruined the outlet. But it's hard not to pour a lot of positive energy into those outlets with all of the negative engergy that I direct towards other things. I swear I'd go insane if I didn't balance all of this love and hate. I mean, how many things do you really enjoy during the day versus how many you're annoyed by? If you're anything like me, the ratio is tilted towards the annoyances enough to completely disgust me. I suppose I start thinking I have to make the best of the good and, thus, put too much into it. It's also unfair that I do all of this because I care so much about those love outlets that I end up making those people unhappy...

I also realized something else that's really interesting. I always ask for advice on what I shouldn't and kill myself over what I should ask about. I always find myself asking other people about my personal problems. I mean, I should really be able to figure out what I should do about my own problems, right? There's not going to be anyone there to answer all of my questions when I get out into the real world, so I should get used to puzzling things out for myself. It's really not fair that I always rant about my problems to people when I want advice - they don't want to hear what I'm upset about... So I just spent a few hours apologizing profusely to as many people as I could find. Anyway, the things that I should ask about are the things I dont. Math, for instance, is extremely difficult for me. Some of the concepts are just too difficult for me to grasp for some reason, but instead of asking for help I sit there and redo problems until they are right and get frustrated over it. I mean, I have a genius mathematician for a brother and I've never asked him to explain something to me.

I really don't understand myself sometimes, but then again, I'd doubt anyone else does. At least we're all on the same page.

Sorry, you do not have permission to comment.

If you are a member, try logging in again or accessing this page here.