Man, I really screwed up my life. Emerald is still mad at me and there's no way I can make things any better than they are. I want so much but it's not right for me to want it. I mean, just because I want something doesn't mean I should have it. Since Emerald obviously doesn't want me around, I have to oblige her request and stay away... But I'm driving myself nuts also, which is my own fault anyway. There are times when I want to forget I ever met her to escape all of this but, for the millionth time, I can't.

To rattle this off into a semi-poetic analogy, she's the tide in my life. I feel the sway as she extends to land and recedes. To change the subject of this paragraph since I can't continue on that train of thought, I've tried to fill in the gap I made through my stupidity but it hasn't worked. My other friends don't really seem that important to me compared to fixing what I've wronged... which I can't do. I'm in a mindset that I can't shake even though I know what I'm trying to do can't have any positive outcome. No, I can't let Emerald go - no one should let go of something so important to them. I don't know what to do, though. I can't make anything up to her, she's never going to get over it (and she has reason), I'm never going to get over her (which is perpetuating the problem), and I'm screwing things up right and left. I shifted the focus of my life unintentionally and I can't shift it back. In fact, I don't believe I want to.

I've always been a dreamer, which is a good thing since that's going to have to be what I am from now on. I can't have what I want without interfering with someone else's life and imposing myself into it so I just have to imagine what things would be like if none of this had happened... Thoughts like I had in the beginning... But these thoughts, these dreams that I have always leave me elated and on the verge of crying in sorrow and pain somehow. I want the tides to turn again, wash away the wrongs I've done, but it's not going to happen. I have to live with it, I am, but I'm not moving past it.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to when nothing I did mattered. When I could break something in ignorance, say sorry, and have everything go back to normal. If life were only that simple... if I could have that second chance at this... at everything. I'm not going to ask, though. I know her answer, the only answer... I know what I've done and yet, in a sense, I don't. I don't know to what scale I affected her other than it being on the greater end. I'm not sure I want to know, but I do want to fix things.

I'd gladly take on the cross she bears, with all its weight and weighting pains, to see her happy. Those rare occasions when she was were special... I felt like the luckiest person in the world to be with her to enjoy them. I'll never be able to do that again so I have to dream my dreamer's dream.

If I could escape the easy way by cheating myself years of life, letting them spill out onto the pavement, I would. But I can't. If my death would distress Emerald in some way, it's not worth experiencing prematurely. I'm not the smartest person in the world, nor will I ever be, but I can't give in, I can't give up, and I can't be what I want. It's like having lived in a dreamland and being woken up to a nightmare that never ends.

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