After trying to take her advice, I'm feeling really alone and confused. I even got frustrated with her a while ago over something as simple as being removed from her friend's list... and then I realized how completely stupid it was and felt more okay about it. There are so many things I want to talk to her about and so few things that I find myself able to... I was doing a lot better before all of this and, in some respects, I'm doing better after.

I've noticed that I can get frustrated with her now which is a big step (I think so, at least). Before, I'd just keep everything inside and write poetry about how I was feeling but now I think I can tell her when I'm mad. It may seem like sort of a backwards step but I think it's for the better if she can tell when she gets me angry. I can't suppose her having had someone with no visible emotions following her around for about a year was very fun... or interesting.

It's definitely time for me to get more honest with, well, everyone. I'm not sure how long it'll take me but I plan on showing a lot more of my emotions. I can't pretend to be so stoic forever. And I resolve right now, if I'm ostricized for it, I'll restrain myself from beating the living crap out of the people doing it... Of course, "resolutions are meant to be broken" in this country (as evidenced by Bush and his treaty-destroying frenzy) so it's a promise.

I think I'm a really impressionable person, as much as I hate to say it. I mean, when I hear something new or, in some cases, old I tend to believe it. I've found myself the butt of many a joke simply because I'm so willing to accept things. That's one of the reason so many people like me. They think I'm joking around and pretending to be so gullible and they enjoy it and call me a "funny guy". At least I provide enjoyment through my bewilderment sometimes. Then there's the flip side... When people get pissed at how readily believe them. I won't get into that. It's my wont and I'm not willing to break it. There are just some things I'll never change.

To change the subject entirely, have you ever noticed that when people ask you what you favorite song is, you always say what you've been listening to recently? I've found that I just pick the song I listen to the most off of the CD I've been listening to. I guess I'm saying that I, and many other people I know, pick my favorite song "of the moment". I'm sure if I really thought about it, I wouldn't know what to say. I've never really figured out what my favorite song is. I'd doubt anyone really sits down and beats themself up to figure out which one they like best, either. I mean, that just sounds stupid.

It sort of bugs me that all of these bands that I really used to enjoy have sold out and moved towards "New-Age Rock". Third Eye Blind is a good example. I liked their self-titled album from a few years back and I recently bought "Out of the Vein" only to find their sound was almost completely different. Luckily I sort of like the new sound but that's not the case with a lot of the bands that I like. Anyway, I don't know where I was going with that.

I think I'm going to do some sort of voice training. My mom, who used to be a great singer, says I'd be kickass if I got proper training. The only problem I have with that is that if my mom is right, I'd just have another thing to add to the "Things I Excel at" List. It's nice to be at a median right now. I really don't want to be recognized for having spectacular singing ability anyway... It'd just be nice to be able to hit high notes when I'm singing to whatever I'm listening to.

On another tangent, the new Zoloft commerical is really awesome, but sad too. It's cool simply because it's a Zoloft commercial but it adds to that because it has a red blob and he's at a party. The poor little guy is too afraid to interact with the other guests. The horrible part about the commercial is that they actually say, "If you're feeling depressed today, ask your doctor for a prescription..." I was disgusted. Pfitzer is seriously preaching to an ignorant crowd if they're blatantly advertizing an anti-depressant for day-to-day mood swings. What's wrong with the world today?

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

I think this may turn into my rant place... and I mean for long, long rants. I must warn you that if you read on, you may be offended, so don't do it if you can't take it. And, if you read all of it, I'm deeply sorry you had to hear it since I'm just ranting about feelings.

I'm really not sure where things are with Emerald... I'm in the middle of mixed signal hell. She said she wasn't mad, but I think there's something there saying otherwise. I may just be really paranoid, but I think she's screening my calls... I'd give anything to find out what she's thinking these days, but I don't think she trusts me enough to tell me anymore... I really don't know what's going on at all.

I'm not sure about this, but I think part of the reason I'm so into her is because of all of these little things I can't figure out. I also have a feeling that doesn't make sense... How would you like it if someone was completely candid with you? I really can't explain it, but it makes her a really interesting person... someone who can captivate my mind and keep me thinking for hours on end... And then there's her open side. She's not afraid to say what she thinks or do what she wants (or at least I haven't known her to be afraid of it) and I admire that. Another interesting twist, I'm sure I don't even know half of what there is to know about her... but I want to know. I mean, nothing she could tell me would change my mind about what I feel and if it isn't love, I must have reached something higher than it.

In my Eagle board of review, I was asked what the rank meant to me. I told the board that I thought Eagle was a stepping stone in my life - something to guide me to greater things. I said it was a hurdle that I'd jumped and it was simply preparing me for the next one. And that next one is Emerald... I'm not sure what I'm trying to find but I do know I want to find it. Sure, I may have tripped over things, broken trust but I think that if I try to rebuild them, let my heart guide my way, that I can slowly start from the ground again.

I know I certainly killed most everything that I had dreamt of by doing what I did to her, but I honestly didn't know she was objecting to it... So I kept on doing it and, when we talked to eachother after that, I realized I had torn everything down. And, although I did want to do it, I wanted to wait until she would let me. I took her lack of speech to mean she didn't want to keep me from it... But, since I said I would let that die - since I promised it - I'll quit talking about it. Just realize that it was bad enough to put me at rock bottom or very, very close.

Yesterday, she said she wasn't mad at me and then, when I asked if we were still friends, she told me she didn't know... There are so many things that I could have reached before. Now it all feels far away. She confuses me so easily sometimes. I really can't see how it would take so long to decide but, then again, she didn't put me into the situation I put her in...

It's odd, though. Emerald told me not to worry about her. I can't. I've placed my worries for her over school, my friends, even family. I can't do anything about it... I don't know why, she's just... important to me. If you were in your own version of love, what would you do? What if the person wasn't worried about what happened to you as much as you were about them? I would. I can't explain anything, not how I can, not why... I just feel the need to protect her, to comfort her. But I can't do any of that if she won't let me... if she says she doesn't want or need it.

Oh sure, people have said that I could find someone better. In fact, I probably could find someone prettier - if I looked hard enough - maybe even someone smarter, but I wouldn't find someone who blended them so well as her. That I am certain of. I'm sure I can find a really nice, intelligent, good-looking girl but I can guarantee I wouldn't be as attracted to her as I am to Emerald. So people are wrong. I know they're thinking that I can do better simply because of my outward appearance. If they were to see me on the inside, they'd tell me to stay right where I am and that I should consider myself lucky. And I do consider myself lucky. Lucky to have known her, to have gotten close to her (sort of anyway), and I'm not going to give all of it up for the mistake I made. I will, no matter what the cost, rebuild everything. I wouldn't consider myself a person if I didn't.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!