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So. . . About last night . . . I'm going to deny that it ever happened but . . I guess it did. and it wasn't as horrible as I imagined. I'm such a cliche now. I went to visit a friend in college I go to a frat party and I get sloshed. No- I take that back I was not sloshed - or hammered-- or plastered- or pissed up the wall. I was just really happy. Buzzed and Happy. I can't say as much for one of my companions but she needed to feel something other than what she was feeling at the time. I love you, don't worry, feel better, and know that I am always here for you. I need to move out soon. This is the kind of life I need right now. Independent with room to breathe and grow and move. I feel so tied down now. Stuck. Immobile. Stunted. I love you mommy really I do, but . . . but what? but let me go. I gotta go. I can't go on like this. Where to go though? Where would I go? Yes I would go to college. but where??? Hawaii- I'd love to live in Hawaii just for awhile. And why not during my college years? Or Southern California? I'm a plant, I need sunshine and warmth and water to hydrate and and help me grow strong. Maybe I should try to transfer this fall. . .

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FRIDAY! FRIDAY! FRIDAY! FRIDAY! FRIDAY! What a great week- not a lot really happened but it feels successful nonetheless. My First week of my Second year of college is complete. (No classes on fridays, just 10 hours of work) I'm only taking Bio and Chem but I really need an A in both. Besides with AGS and CKI and the DLSSP I'm already swamped with work. It seems like everyone is this year. Ranor made the dance team at Pomona, Patricia is pledging a Premed sorority and almost everyone else got a job of some sort on campus. I guess there won't be as many weekends at home or visiting of ppl at college this year as there was last year. Keeping in touch hasn't been too hard though I hope that we can all keep it up through mediums such as this. (Or Xanga) ;-) On the upside of things I'm too busy to think about anything (or anyone) outside school. Things are looking good for this quarter. I've decided I won't be applying anywhere until the Spring. So that's one less thing to worry about (for now). There are a couple of girls in my bio and chem classes that are really nice and I hope that we can become closer friends. Also I hope I can build stronger bonds with my other board members from AGS and CKI. This is also my last quarter at NASA, I'm still undecided as to whether I will extend my internship or not. If I don't extend it then I'll be able to take more classes, I'm already falling a quarter behind schedule. However if I stick it out I get a raise and it looks good that I worked throughout college. GRR- I don't know... So much to think about. I'm glad that 'm back in school. I really like both my Bio and Chem Professors and my lab mates. MUST DO WELL- MUST SUCCEED- MUST MOVE OUT SOON! :-D Actually things at home are great. Seannie is the only pain in my ass at the moment. I took her out to the movies last weekend and shopping all day for pants. We had a great time. But then gradually over the week she has turned into the regular lil' b*cth she always is. I don't know how mom puts up with her. If she was my daughter I would have slapped her silly for behaving the way she does. Teen Angst I suppose, but Good God I was never that way! It's sad to think that I'm the god daughter. Sorry about that Mom, I'm trying to make it up to you. Well that's pretty much it. I hope everyone else's year is starting off well too. Good Luck Everyone!

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Well it's official- My summer is over. I saw underworld last night with M, C, F and B at Shoreline. Those Vampires sucked (no pun intended) and none of the traditional things that made them vampires were included. (Except for the sunlight killing them) They had reflections and there was no mention of crosses or garlic! The Werewolves were ok but really now the storyline could have been cleaned up a bit more. AGh, afterwards we stood in the parking lot talking about movies and whatnot- Has anyone seen the Japanese movie Audition? B said it was pretty scary. We finally decided to go when the theater turned the lights off in the parking lot around 1 am. Actually we continued talking until 1:30 but eventually broke up. I walked B to his car and he drove me back to mine. I kissed him good bye and as I was getting out of the car he said, "You know I'm leaving tomorrow" I turned and stared at him for awhile. "I know." Silence on his end, "What are you trying to say?" He shakes his head in thought and my heart is breaking because I want him to say something- SAY ANYTHING! There's a weight then seems to be pulling me from within my chest, pulling me into the ground all the while my head feel like a balloon attached to thin string, ready to float away. I had to lean on the car. "What do you want to do?" " I don't know" "I know you're leaving tomorrow. And we haven't resolved anything" "I know" "We could pretend that this summer never happend, That we never saw each other" silence. I climbed back in the car and kissed him one last time - sweet and sad. I didn't cry then but I'm pretty damn close now. "Good night B" "Good night"


I didn't say good bye, I only said good night.

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I went out with some of the guys last night. B, E, F and M. I was suppose to meet up with B at the Tapioca Express half an hour before everyone else. But he forgot or got confused and was still at home even at 8:00pm when they all should have been there. Ed was running even later than the rest of them were so I chilled by myself at the LAN Center (Locate Area Network) I tried playing CS (Counter-Strike) on my own but it took me forever to just get through basic training. (Which I never actually got through) There were some problems with my computer so it kept shutting down but the guy working there was really nice and helpd me out. The first guy working there was an asshole though. I think he was ignoring just because I lack a penis. Fucktard. B sat next to me but the other guys had to move down because there was another person at one of the stations already. My time ran out before theirs because I had started way before them. I wasn't any good- every now and then I would kill off someone but I pretty much was clueless. I could get into those games if I had the time to play all day.

I found out that he does smoke. And he drinks- only socially though. I wonder if he only smokes cigarettes. sigh- I'm lowering my standards. I should know better. But he's B. What am I suppose to do? bleh bleh bleh. I guess it doesn't really matter though. He's leaving and we were just fooling around for the summer, right? So why do I feel slightly used, kinda pathetic and totally heartbroken?


DIPSHIT DIPSHIT DIPSHIT

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That's my blood type B+. I'm not suddenly a happy go lucky freak telling people how to live their lives. I gave blood to day- you should too- because it's good for you! And one dayyou may need someone else's blood to live. Like Karma but real, giving blood is just a way to help yourself. So why don't you? Help yourself- God knows I'm not going to...

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