You guys were right, I should have done speech and debate in high school. I'm not very good at conveying my thoughts or opinions to others except in the most blunt manners. Tact- I have no fucking clue what that is, only that I lack it. Lately I've been thinking more about politics and religion, philosophy and art, history and society. How am I suppose to make a contribution in any of these distinct yet intertwined fields? I love the sciences though. They make sense to me. They are both universal and pragmatic, characteristics I strive for. Who wouldn’t want to be universal and pragmatic? Is that a weird thought. . .

Ivy is a double major in Chemistry and Art. Ranor is doing Molecular Biology with a minor in Linguists – Nope sorry, a minor in Anthropology- I had to check his nuTang profile to verify. Agh, see, I do things like that when I’m talking to people. Trail off on to some tangent. That wasn’t even a complete sentence! Was it? Shit- now wait a minute, who the fuck cares if it is a complete sentence (besides ranor and my english major friends)? SIDENOTE: I know the word english is suppose to be capitalized and auto-formatting keeps making my little ‘e’ a big ‘E’, but I really don’t find it necessary to make my little ‘e’ a big ‘E’. Just thought I should share. – end sidenote-

The other day I refilled the gas tank and noticed how the car seemed a bit heavier, which makes perfect sense considering I put in about 18 gallons. But I want to know approximately how much heavier it got. I knew about how much a gallon of milk weighs but I figured that milk would be more dense than gasoline. So I converted my gallons into liters, assumed the density to be that of water and then convert grams into pounds. When did I start thinking this way!

Astrobiology- it is a growing field. A couple of weeks ago I went to a lecture on the Mars Exploration and more recently a lecture on black holes. Truly Fascinating. Did you know that if the Earth could be condensed down to 9mm from its current 6378km circumference, it would have the gravitational pull of a black hole?

Egad- almost 3am- I'm going to sleep, sorry for not making sense. Maybe Ill fix this when I get up. . .

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I hate her.

I hate her.

I hate her.


I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her.

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Seannie was up until 1 am last night doing homework. My mom was up until 2 am finishing whatever it was Seannie couldn't finished because she was knocked out over her Social Studies book. (Sidenote: She actually has the book Kyle Naes used when we were in 7th grade - weird) The assignment was to create a crossword puzzle for this week's volcabulary list. She used almost all of my graph paper before mom finally decided to do it on the computer. little fucktard, I told her I create it on the computer for her but she didn't want my help or mom's for that matter. Of course it is hard to stop someone from doing anything when you're unconscious. I'm slightly disturbed that the books and the assignments at St. Simon's haven't changed in all the years since I attended that school. But that's the Catholic way isn't it? Routine - Order - Habit I suppose that life would be much safer that way- nothing unexpected or out of the ordinary. I'll admit I do find comfort in routine and in the fact that not much has changed in my absence.

That's not true though. Ms. VanMeter and Ms. Ramasadren are the only teachers I had that are still teaching there. Ms. Johnson is still there too as the Vice Principle. She remembers me and Elaine, Brian and Robert. We were her 8th grade helpers. On Thursday afternoons we would clap erasers and wipe down the desks in the science lab. I'd forgotten about that, how could I have forgotten that? At Christmas she gave us each gift certificates to Wherehouse and at graduation she presented us with white picture frames with a graduation cap on it. I still have that.

Where was I going with this? I was going to bitch about Sean and her problems with every other student in the 7th grade. She is being picked on and she doesn't have any friends. But a lot of that is her own doing. Last week was parent/teacher week. Mom had a conference with the school psychologist, Sean's teacher and Mrs. Johnson. They were all concerned about Seannie's attitude towards the other children and her lack of companions. Mrs. Johnson kept mentioning how I had had lots of friends and that I'm still friends with many of those people I met at St. Simon's. Mom told them that it wasn't about finding friends but building relationships. She said it was like wanting to buy a certain shoe. Seannie is picky about what shoes she likes to wear and she won't buy anything unless it is up to her standards. Joy on the other hand loves all kinds of shoes and will bring almost anything home with her even if it doesn't fit. . . . Thanks mom . . .

There is some truth in that. I don't understand why we can't all be friends. Or at least kind to one another. You may think this is idealistic or naive but why can't it be realistic and practical? It takes much more effort to be hostile towards someone then helpful (unless it is yet another lost and confused international student- god I'm a hypocrite) Fuck it- no more preaching from the peanut gallery


This song has been stuck in my head all week,

Sure i think about you now and then
But it's been a long, long time.
I've got a good life now, i've moved on
So when you cross my mind....

(i, so, and) try not to think about
What might have been
'cause that was then
And we've taken different roads
We can't go back again, there's no use giving in
And there's no way to know
What might have been.

We could sit and talk about this all night long,
And wonder why we didn't last
Yes, they might be the best days we will ever know
But we'll have to leave them in the past.
(Chorus)
That same old look in your eyes
It's a beautiful night
I'm so tempted to stay
But too much time has gone by
We should just say goodbye
And turn and walk away.
(Chorus)
No, we'll never know
What might have been

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Recently an old friend of mine told me that I seem different. My personal opinions are different. When I asked if it was this was a good thing or bad thing she didn't reply. Part of me wants to dismiss the incident because of my history with this girl- who may not have known me as well as she thought. I don't think I knew her as well as I thought. But that's a whole bag of potatoes I don't want to get into again.

Change is a conscious reaction to events around you. It doesn't just happen- does it? Maybe I'm annoyed that a voice from the past can come out of nowhere and tell me that I've changed. That I'm no longer that person I once was, a person she thinks she knew. It has been almost a year- of course I would seem different, whether or not I actually am. Time makes you forget the little things that constitute the whole. Can I really be defined by those with which I surround myself? Why be defined at all? Opinions do change- as more information comes in perceptions are altered. Why do I feel I have to defend myself? Because it felt more like an accusation than a mere observation.

Well I'm sorry. DID YOU HEAR THAT? This is for everyone. I'M SORRY. I'm sorry that I was so avid in my beliefs when I was wrong. I'm sorry I hurt and/or confused you. That I spoke without thinking- only feeling. That I made you doubt me. I'm sorry I lost your trust. If it helps, I know I fucked up. So now what do I do? I've apologized. I apologized but I don't regret it. Elaine tried to explain regret to me, that was one thing I never fully understood. Would I take it back? Any of it? I would take back the pain and the confusion, but there was also knowledge- and how can I reject that.

I've changed - guilty as charged, I've even been sentenced and punished.

Anything else you want? My Soul perhaps?

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The red fish has died. Mommy was cleaning her bowl out but the water was too hot and the little girl suffocated. And no one told me for a week! Seriously, every morning I would feed the fish the red one would greet me with a flurry of delicate fins. For the last few days I've been pretending that she was sleeping still or that she was hiding under her shells. Once again I find myself in the land of make believe.

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This last weekend I went to Monterey with a friend to see an old classmate who is based there. He joined the Navy right after high school. He went through boot camp and now he is learning a foreign language to help him when he is shipped off to wherever it is

INTERRUPTION: I'm at the computer lab at school right now typing this. I'm on a Mac. Everyone else here is on a PC and they are located on the other side of the room. Not only is it quieter on this side but I have lots of room to spread out. You can't easily spot me behind the computers. However some little asian girl (who is probably older than me) found me nonetheless. She even tapped me on the shoulder! (there is no need to touch especially since I had already inadvertently made eye contact and was trying to ignore/avoid her) At first I had no freaking clue what she was trying to say because of her accent and for some reason she felt that by talking louder I would somehow be able to decipher the broken English. Anyway she wanted to know "Wat dis plase iz?" Uh, the computer lab "O, o yes, uhm I haf my laptip hair, where a can I use it" If it's a laptop, you can use it anywhere "Oh, haha (she actually said haha) no I men . . . where can I-" (she makes motions with her hand that look like she's plugging something in or stabbing someone) Upstairs. The round table have outlets and jacks that you can hook the computer up to. "O, o tank cue, bai bai"

I hate the fact that she probaby does better than me in school but can't figure out where the hell she is or how to work her laptop. I don't even have a laptop. Looking around I know why she came up to me. My straight black hair and almond shaped eyes told her that I or someone in my lineage had come from South Pacific or somewhere close to that. There are two nice white gentlemen at the information desk, not 20 feet away, that she could have questioned. But no, like a hunter she found me. I don't find a whole of comfort in being with other asians. At least not anymore than when I'm with nonasian friends. True my number of filipino friends is higher than any other nationality but not by much. I've always felt I had a diverse group of friends. Which is bullshit since we all come from the same socioeconomic and religious background. Fairly educated uppermiddle class chrisitians from Northern California. sigh, I have unfinished thoughts on this.

One more thing, why do people ask if it is alright to ask you a question? That is a question in itself. And on a scale of 1- 10 how rude is it to say, "No you may not ask me another question now go away you pesty little bastard and leave me alone." Damn she put me in a bad mood. I don't even remember what I was thinking about. Now the Title of this entry makes no sense. FUCKTARDS!

Now I have to sit through Bio lecture. A class, which by the way, is behind course because a shitload of little assholes who never read the text feel the need to have their questions answered as soon as it pops into their little heads instead of waiting to ask during the professor's office hours which was established for the every purpose of answering student's questions about lecture.


Drowning in a sea of stupid

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