Thursday. 3.27.08 10:38 pm
GOOD NEWS!!!! - 1. WERE GOING TO STATE!!! Every choir made straight superiors and we will be attending State competition. 2. My tax return should be coming in soon. I'm getting over $300 back! [Note: I am an 18 year old highschool student.. that's a lot of money to me!! lol]
Hm... other that that things have been pretty much the same.
That's about it for now..
If You Leave This Place With Just One Thing...
Sunday. 3.2.08 8:13 pm
Who do you trust when theres no where to turn?
When do you know when to speak the truth when the lies continue to flow?
How many people do I have to lose while I sit here in silence.
God, I don't know where your going with this..
I really don't.
I just ask for one thing.
If they find out the truth.
If by some miracle they believe me..
I'd love to see the look on their faces.
To realize the truth after the way they've treated me.
If only there was a way.
How long does this have to go on?
How many more times do I have to go through this.
Please, don't flatter yourself, it's not just you..
Maybe there is something wrong with me.
Maybe I'm missing something.
Or maybe I just care to much.
People can walk all over me rather easily.
Now the question remains..
How long can I go on with that feeling.
The pain surges throught my arm and up my neck.
Like an outstreched hand it tears at my face.
It's quite comical.
The guilt I feel from her.
The point of distress that's numbing.
I can read her too well.
So where does it end..
When I have nothing left?
When I've let people tear me apart till theres nothing left?
"Just don't talk and it will all blow over."
Mommy dearest seems to give terrible advice.
The reason I'm not standing up for myself is the very reason I have nothing.
Speak no truths.. and they can't be twisted into lies.
If I leave highschool with one thing..
It's trust noone.
Sunday. 2.10.08 2:09 pm
I havn't had one of these in a while... Update!!
My family life.. has been oddly good. Mommy dearest has calmed down. My father and I are closer again. My sister and I however arn't close at all. She has become caught up in her friends that are leading her in the wrong path.. it's a shame really. My other sister and I are starting to keep contact with eachother. We miss eachother greatly.. and I miss my nieces and nephew just as much. My grandmother is walking again.. slowly but surely. We were begining to think she wouldn't make it through the surgeries and pain... but shes getting well again. That's about it for the family
School has been... annoying. I want to leave. Yes, hooray education and going to college, getting a good job, blah blah... But the people... these kids... there driving me up the wall. Too much drama and stress.. Dear Jesus [is my lord and savior and I love him with all my heart] these kids are crazy.. Which leads me too..
My friends are... not the people I thought they were. I've grown almost completely detatched from the ones I see at school. We use to hang out almost everyday.. now it's a passing joke here and there.. a hug, a glance... but at school now I am truely alone. They've changed for the worst... I can't be apart of that. It kills me but I need to keep my walk straight [literally]. But, I have grown strong to people in the church.. and Adam, God I love that kid!
My love life... wait, what love life? Obviously Janette and I broke up a long time ago. I perminately ended it back in September. For the first time in years I didn't jump into another relationship within a week. It's a crazy way to live really.. I haven't been single this long in 4 years.. and this will be the first Valentines day I'll be alone in that long. I've spoiled myself with so many random relationships.. but it's not love, it's acceptance. I would do anything to fill the void I don't recieve from my parents.. and a relationship won't give me that. I will admit this feeling kills me... to be alone.. However I'm just barely 18 now. I'm young. There Is a man [yes man] on my mind. He's a sweetheart, smart, hilarious, and just down to earth. It's iffy on going anywhere at all.. but I do like him. I'm learning to take things as they come. I've given it to God, I know he has a plan and I'll meet that one guy eventually. :)
In my life... I have grown so strong too my faith. Sometimes I feel like it's all I have.. and I love it. I'm being attacked with so much negativity right now and sometimes it damages my relationship with God.. and I hate it. But I'm learning new things every day and growing strong. Nothing can tear me down. I love feeling his presence in worship. :) It's one of the greatest feelings in the world. This friday the youth is holding a banquet for Valentines day. I gathered the courage to ask that one guy to be my date [Random right? I've never asked anything before =/]. He accepted, but didn't seem enthused at all.. we'll just see how it goes.
In the future I'm going to NY for a chorus trip. We'll be singing in Carnegie Hall. I recently got the music we will be performing and some of it's crazy, but awsome! School will be a little sketchy as well. A lot of FACT stuff and a lot of free days. in a way maybe it'll be pretty kool :)
I don't thing theres anything else.... Untill next time!
But why does this feel so right?
Wednesday. 2.6.08 3:12 pm
Ever feel like you have a calling. You just feel it's so right, like God himself is telling you. However, there obstacles that make it impossible to achieve this calling.
All I can do is stand and watch. God your telling me this is right. This is the way it should be. You've given me premonitions, dreams, signs, even my gaurdiens are making this all to real. These written images are rising to the surface. Everything I thought could be your showing me is right. You gave me signs all along. But now the other is getting them too. How long will you taunt us? It's killing me. It feels so right but impossible to have. God I don't understand. Is this a look into the future or a showing of the way things should be. I long to dream for this feeling. I've never felt it before. But when I wake it only haunts me. Living through a nightmare only longing to dream this feeling one last time. I don't understand anymore. Why is this taunting me. I want to give this to you God. I put this situation in your hands. I know you'll make things right. I just want things to be the way you want them.
Cursed with a Beautful Gift
Saturday. 1.26.08 4:21 pm
Reaching down I gently lay my hand on the back of his neck. Pain surges from my fingertips to my shoulder. I realize now this isn't a religious experience. He cries in desperation to feel something. To be moved like we were. He watched as we hysterically laughed with joy. Moved by the spirit we throw our hands into the air, fall out of our seats, scream in praise.. My hands were shaking and I gasped for air. He sits and watches and begins to whither away. He collapses in on himself and I felt it was a cry for attention.. maybe he's saved? The moment we made contact I knew it wasn't any of the possibilities that had first come to mind. I see tears flowing down the faces of those who were once laughing. I felt dazed and somewhat confused, but so incredibly uplifted and happy. But now that I'm not the only one. Now that I have had one of the most important people in my life come to me with a similar unpleasant disposition. Maybe this isn't a curse, but a blessing. A gift to which I can try to help others... I think? How does it help? I can tell if your lying or not.. look into your eyes and know how you feel and sometimes what your thinking... touch you and feel how you feel at that moment.. feel the presence of our guardiens that help us more than any normal person would ever know. Almost everyone takes for granted what they don't know they posess. Maybe this isn't a blessing. Maybe more people than I realize understand. Maybe they see paintings too.. and maybe they can't speak what they see... maybe I'm just as normal as the girl that sits next to me in my American Government class. I'll never truely know. I've never been open about this obscured subject. Digging a little deeper into the simplicity I find answers and millions of questions. Will I be prepared for a horrid event in the near future with a little help from the ones I cannot see? Will I know what's going to happen in a few minutes because I painted it in my mind? Are my dreams a reality away? Maybe I'm just crazy.
How are we still alive? It's impossible.
Sunday. 1.6.08 12:18 am
Or is it?
It was New Years day and we had all seen a movie. We were all in my friends little green Honda Civic.. all five of us. I will never forget that night. The night we should have died. The condition of the car doesn't match our injuries. It's a miricale we walked away from the totalled car. Fishtailing to start.. the car flipped on its side and scrapped across the pavement. Hitting the curb at atleast 65mph, we flew through the air flipping only to slam into the ground. With one last flip on the ground we settled.. craddled right side up in the bottom of a ditch we lay in shock. He wasn't wear his seatbelt.. he should have flown out the back window. Her seatbelt snapped.. she should have been thrown out of the car. We were unprotected and our heads should have smashed into the ground through the holes of where the windows once were. We should be critically injured at the very minimum... and we walk away.
God was with us that night. He gently held us in his hands and protected us from harm. This is my sign.. This is my wake-up call. God really is here.. He lives. Theres no other possible reason to describe why we survived. We, as walking testimonies, want everyone to know his power. He could take anyone at any moment.. and he proved that that night. I prayed for a sign... I got it. The paramedics say were lucky to be alive. However I smile and say it wasn't luck, it was a miracle.. it was God.
No No Hunny, There's No Need For Apologies
Sunday. 12.30.07 1:09 pm
Well.. it's been a while. Christmas for me was rather interesting. My father, as always, had to work [Disney World never takes a day off]. Some friends of mine came over and we ended up leaving to see Aliens Vs. Predator Christmas night. It was a pretty good movie with amazing special effects. Afterwords, I crashed at Tylers house along with Adam and didn't really come home for a few days unless I needed something and would stop by. Ever occasion noone was home so I hadn't seen immediate family in days. It did not bother me at all. I've been hanging out with my boys all winter break and Wouldn't change it for the world. I love my boys.
The parents have been disappointing me, espescially today. My mother recently had yet again.. another back surgery. This time to remove the hardware from her spine. Its been about two weeks now and shes healing very painfully, but very well. Now, She dragged herself out of bed and crawled to the little Baptist church on Columbia St. to see my Christmas Concert performace. She was in unbareable pain and I told he to stay home and rest, but she wouldn't miss it for the world. This morning however, she didn't feel like coming to church. After telling me for days she would come and she was so excited... she didn't feel like getting up this morning. Needless to say how disappointed I was to speak with her after church over the phone. Both my mother and father began yelling, no screaming at me for various things that were unimportant and insignificant. I've grown hard to my mothers hurtful words, however I hate it when my father screams at me for things that don't have a meaning at all. For the fact of screaming at me period. So.. nothing has really changed with my relationship with my family.
I have come to accept that various friends have abandoned me. Why? When I confessed I was struggling with my sexuality they held my hand and helped me through this horrible and confussing time period. When they expressed their flaws I never turned away. Yet when I stand up and except Jesus as my lord and savior they fade away. Something that has made me happy and given me a reason I can trust to survive in this world... they walk away. They've become cruel to me. Yet I still stand strong with friends I've come to grow bonds with within the church. I feel this is the right decision.. I need this.
I am a proud Christian and I continue to stand tall!
Wednesday. 11.21.07 10:11 pm
Ever been pretty happy and hit another low in the process?
I feel like I'm losing everyone. No, not everyone.. It seems as though now I'm just a last resort.. If theres absolutely nothing to do or no where to go or you're in need of something I'm suddeny important.
-I'm sorry we didn't work out
-I'm sorry that I loved you, and did everything to let you go to keep our friendship and strong bond.
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