dont read it, its pointless.
Tuesday. 7.13.04 4:20 pm
Blind Melon- No Rain
All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like watchin' the puddles gather rain
And all I can do is just pour some tea for two
and speak my point of view
But it's not sane, It's not sane
I just want some one to say to me
I'll always be there when you wake
Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made
And I don't understand why I sleep all day
And I start to complain that there's no rain
And all I can do is read a book to stay awake
And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape
All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
ya don't like my point of view
ya think I'm insane
Its not sane...it's not sane.
These lyrics are perfect. completly perfect. thats me in a nutshell. thats who i am. perfect. theres no better way to explain it. i know its chessy to take a song and make it fit you, but this song was made to fit me.anyways I'm in writers block and couldn't have written it better. *sigh* thats terrifiying. when such a song fits one so perfect. i love blind melon anyways. i'm a sucker for the depressing 90's music. yea yea. i'm a nut. thats ok. theres a fine line between insanity and sanity so thats ok.
i was going to write more about that song but that was last night and its morning, wait, afternoon now so fuck it.
but i was thinking. Last night i was out, looking at the trees, alone, it was nice. night, beauty, i loved it. but then i thought, i need a photographer to see what i see. Someone to chill with me, take pictures everything, and i uno. I want to take shiloh and make it art. i want to capture the rubish, the dingy cars, and the water. man. i really want to take pictures. lol. if only i had someone to do it with... sigh.
that kid's so cool!
sick how i "salivate" over this kid. but he's too cool, and nm.
i dont want to write about it on here.
boys. i sigh.
ok, i'm out now. i shall expand more on these issues at a later time. oh yeah, the BBC world news on the radio fucking rocks. and i'm not kidding. I am officially the saddest kid on earth, oh well.
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Sunday. 7.11.04 9:44 pm
i'm sitting in my room all alone with no one in the house and i'm in complete solitude. the music is pounding the walls down, daring them to crack, and my mind is floating in an odd sort of muddled silence. Theres an odd feeling running through my bones and my eyes are half open to the world, refusing to see the worry. and its uncanny. my need for solitude, my hate for solitude. my love for it, the great affinity that reaches for me and keeps me as its child of loveliness, as its slave. the music is perfect, willing me to run across the air, and fall down to its depths, as it carries me higher and lower than i have ever experienced. hrm... a queer feeling...
i'm dreaming again and it can only be a bad thing. *sigh* i really must watch my step and hear my words, and be careful as possible. sigh. i hate my dreams. they terrify me.
lets make movies, lets do something. lets kill these voices in my head, lets find an outlet for my brain and its never ending, unceasing, annoying fancy.
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Saturday. 7.10.04 11:22 pm
*sigh* i'm so fucking tired right now. Man, garage sales are alot of fucking work. like seriously. dude, the heat, haha, insane man. But we made a shit load of money. ok not that much but WAY more than we anticipated. I got pissed off at a black lady. dude, she was such a bitch. i swear. it was gay. she needed to die. My dad was trying to sell shit to her and all she could do was cock her head like a dumbass and stick out her huge ass and cop and attitude. alright, you dont like our shit, fucking get in your cheap ass car and drive the fuck away, we dont your fucking money bitch. Ok, she pissed me off. lol. then we were done and all was good.
ju and strong "dropped" by. it was weird. my mom really liked the two of them but i dont like to integrate friends and family. family is cool. and friends are cool. but not together. i keep school and family and everything else apart from eachother. I really dont like to integrate different parts of my life because people get to close to me. There are only two people who have been over to my house repeatitivly, and my mum liked and they lived to tell the story. jess and david. haha, jess came over every day and david came over every sunday at the same time untill the same time lol. I loved it. but only those two. no more. no one else has ever been to my house more than once. or for longer than 10 mins. this one kid came over for my birthday but that was worthless so whatever. other than that, friends and family are separate. wait, casey came over a few times. lol, see how isolated i keep my self? but ju and strong dropped over and i was scared shitless i was going to get in trouble. *i've had problems with friends dropping by too often and me kicking them out, like late at night* so, it was realllllly akward and they left early. what was cool though was, my parents were going to leave so we could have the house to our selves, that was cool, that means no trouble. but ju and strong left so there was no need. my mum says i should go play magic with them more often. I'm reluctant to, so i guess i wont. haha, but at least she asked.
we went to chuckie cheeses. i hate that place and love it all the same. i like going just to be stupid and immature but i dont like the one in plano. i dont like the one in richardson either but thats ok. i like racing games and the one in richardson hass racing games while the one in plano was cleaner but void of the adrenaline that cars fuel me with. Eh, i suppose its a trade off. it was ok though, 20 bucks of an hour of immature entertainment, not bad. for four people, not bad.
daivd and casey were suppose to show up at my house today but didnt. i dont know why. maybe its cause i never really confirmed their coming and just left messages. lo. oh well, i was scared that they would show up when ju and strong were here but they didnt and i was lucky. another thing, i dont integrate friends either. this set of friends and that set of friends dont mix. lol. i'm a very solitary person and dont like things to get messy. lol. oh well.
eh, tired and this is enough.
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Thursday. 7.8.04 4:10 pm
we've been in so many arguements i cant tell when it began or if it'll end. My mind has been hazy lately and Your voice has been angry and crazy. my acts have not been all too noble
i dont feel like writing about that right now. man, i haven't written anythign worth reading in forever. i'm in a serious writer's block. this sucks. i dont know. i think its that i'm too scared to write what i'm really feeling right now so my brain refuses to write anything of quality. sigh. oh well, i dont feel like facing my real thoughts. I reread what i posted the other day about boys and i've deemed it too harsh so i'm going to erase it. I dont think i was right in condemning all of the guys that i know. yeah, alot of them are immature but it's unfair of me to compare them and bitch about it. I'm taking it off and renouncing my thoughts. eh, can you tell that i'm running from my mind right now? please, i'm fucking taking back things that i've said. i very rarely do that. *sigh* theres more that i want to say right now but i dont know if i have anytime or the mind for it. I'm still grounded. this is bothersome. I've read every time article there is to read. I know all about Micheal Moore, John Kerry, The war in Iraq, Jefferson. Fucken a. I'm getting a little bored now. The Time articles were keeping me occupied but now that i'm done i need something more. i'm reading a book, Brave New World, i like it. theres something about it that i like. Last years seniors either loved it or hated it. I love it. But, its a slow read and i'm trudging through it. Eh... The whole no TV thing was ok for a day, now i'm kind of like, hrm, wait, no dont turn it on. You'll be screwed over if you do. Then the whole NO PHONE thing kind of bothered me cause, well, that was my last resort. I find my self listening to alot of Alkaline Trio and playing freecell. ahha. i hate this. Wait, a nap might be needed. No, i slept all morning after my orthodontist appointment, then i slept after lunch again. haha, ok. I need a project. Lol. Hrm... ESSAYS! scholarship ones, yeah, sadly, i'm going to do it. *sigh* congrats jess, i'm doing it!! ahha.
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Thursday. 7.8.04 11:59 am
first to start this off, HAPPY BDAY JESS!
ok, haha, i had to put that in or i just wouldnt feel right.
i woke up in a foul mood. its lightened slightly but not by much. *eh*
ok i'll write whats on my mind later. not now.
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Wednesday. 7.7.04 1:43 pm
there's great confusion within the smuthered silence of my mind. its five in the afternoon and my room is dark and cool. Sunlight only exists in hazy little wisps trying to gain some attention yet always faltering when nearing my eyes. There are faces staring up at me from the papers, they call of political wrongs and movie profits. There's social commentary waiting to be made and voices waiting to be heard. My mind is slow now, thick and viscous crawling at will, though not really moving. it's chilly and i feel the fall coming though outside the sun beats down on everything and burns the cool to its death. Repeated gestures where my father lives and i await not really caring for the poor ghost, and wallowing in guilt for my apathy. This is life isnt it. The glow of the screen, the brightest thing in the room, the only luminesent thing, challenged by the blood crimson of the mouse, though throughly victorious in this old classic duel. My fingers are at fault and refuse to move with the swift sureity in which i know they possess. They fumble at every key and run where i wish to still. a deep breath and i try again... and to no avail. There is a pain now, the organ within me that swallows raw energy and excretes what i need, is in torrture now. It refuses to settle and rumbles and bubbles as i wish it not to. It pains me, it allows me no peace and yet, i allow it it's rampage. i allow it to run unchecked, empty, and halloww. i make no move to fill it with what the cold box posseses. i make no move to add a touch of water or tea. i allow it pain me. take a deep breath, try again... i am answered with the same blank vaugeness that only a no can answer. i grow weary. and i grow angry. the little one who knows little and believes to know all will be struck down now, and cry, and feel the wrath in which i can so lovely create. it is done now. i have ruined one of her beloved and she will cry soon. so be it. tis her fault and not mine. if she believes that all fault can be transfered to me then she is incredibly mistaken. i will not stand for such a show. to raise one's voice to me twice within a day, is more than i will ever allow. I am not a low life as she is, and i will not permit such horrendous behaiviour. she will suffer, and i will watch. so be it.
that was yesterday. man. i really wish i hadn't lost my temper. i'm usually a very mild mannered person and i dont lose my temper often. but when i do. *sigh* i have a wicked temper like my parents only i take after my father and lose it very rarely indeed. yet, when i am lost within that tirade, there is no stopping me. there is no logic. and no sense. I carry it out with the sharpest blades and whoever cut my path i intend to destroy. I am not a nice person at times. well, now what i have done i must live with. tis only my fault for losing control. My sinful pride and wrath. *sigh*. man. i'm really scary when i'm mad. and i wasnt even completly mad. i had some sense. ok not much but some, enough to end it. ah. i dont like being mad, that blankness that hits my conscience. I have no remorse what so ever at the moment. That is not good. really bad. I think if i ever really lost it. If someone were to ever really push me and see me mad. truly mad, i'd kill a person. i really would. given enough rage, i would. i could actually. not in the right mind but if i were mad, truly in rage. thats it. i really am scary at those times..... too scary....
the damage is irreplaceable.
so be it.
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