there's great confusion within the smuthered silence of my mind. its five in the afternoon and my room is dark and cool. Sunlight only exists in hazy little wisps trying to gain some attention yet always faltering when nearing my eyes. There are faces staring up at me from the papers, they call of political wrongs and movie profits. There's social commentary waiting to be made and voices waiting to be heard. My mind is slow now, thick and viscous crawling at will, though not really moving. it's chilly and i feel the fall coming though outside the sun beats down on everything and burns the cool to its death. Repeated gestures where my father lives and i await not really caring for the poor ghost, and wallowing in guilt for my apathy. This is life isnt it. The glow of the screen, the brightest thing in the room, the only luminesent thing, challenged by the blood crimson of the mouse, though throughly victorious in this old classic duel. My fingers are at fault and refuse to move with the swift sureity in which i know they possess. They fumble at every key and run where i wish to still. a deep breath and i try again... and to no avail. There is a pain now, the organ within me that swallows raw energy and excretes what i need, is in torrture now. It refuses to settle and rumbles and bubbles as i wish it not to. It pains me, it allows me no peace and yet, i allow it it's rampage. i allow it to run unchecked, empty, and halloww. i make no move to fill it with what the cold box posseses. i make no move to add a touch of water or tea. i allow it pain me. take a deep breath, try again... i am answered with the same blank vaugeness that only a no can answer. i grow weary. and i grow angry. the little one who knows little and believes to know all will be struck down now, and cry, and feel the wrath in which i can so lovely create. it is done now. i have ruined one of her beloved and she will cry soon. so be it. tis her fault and not mine. if she believes that all fault can be transfered to me then she is incredibly mistaken. i will not stand for such a show. to raise one's voice to me twice within a day, is more than i will ever allow. I am not a low life as she is, and i will not permit such horrendous behaiviour. she will suffer, and i will watch. so be it.


that was yesterday. man. i really wish i hadn't lost my temper. i'm usually a very mild mannered person and i dont lose my temper often. but when i do. *sigh* i have a wicked temper like my parents only i take after my father and lose it very rarely indeed. yet, when i am lost within that tirade, there is no stopping me. there is no logic. and no sense. I carry it out with the sharpest blades and whoever cut my path i intend to destroy. I am not a nice person at times. well, now what i have done i must live with. tis only my fault for losing control. My sinful pride and wrath. *sigh*. man. i'm really scary when i'm mad. and i wasnt even completly mad. i had some sense. ok not much but some, enough to end it. ah. i dont like being mad, that blankness that hits my conscience. I have no remorse what so ever at the moment. That is not good. really bad. I think if i ever really lost it. If someone were to ever really push me and see me mad. truly mad, i'd kill a person. i really would. given enough rage, i would. i could actually. not in the right mind but if i were mad, truly in rage. thats it. i really am scary at those times..... too scary....


the damage is irreplaceable.

so be it.

YES, it is exact
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» Jasper (211.152.12.114) on 2010-09-01 06:35:37

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