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Shall we sing in the rain?
Monday. 7.26.04 5:34 pm
I'm in a really calm mood. serenity sets in and tis all going to be ok. at least i would like to believe. this music is perfect. its cheesy but perfect. splender's not all that bad you know... I just saw some beautiful art. this one kid i know, really talented. seriously. that picture... i have to admit, i really love it. good picture, and perfect for my state of mind. he's a talented kid. gotta give that to em. I'm too much of a douche to ever tell anyone that kind of compliment but, stating it here should be good enough. if he has talent, then he might go somewhere. but man. good gallery. good stuff. my props.

it would be cool to be talented. i was just thinking of that. i want to make movies. surreal little short movies that capture my thought, and my sight. that hear my words, and my song. I want to watch people sleep. I want to watch their feet walk. I want to see their hands type. i want to capture the books sitting, the mirror staring, the phone ringing. I want to contain the music, the red, the crimson. I want to watch the sky fall, the wind turn, and the tree bow. I want to make movies. I want to see the moment, i want to make a moment, i want others to know, my moment. my life, my thoughts, even my creativity. i want to get the carpet as it lays, i want to get the posters as they stare, and i want to get the tv as it blares. i want to get the writing, cold in contrast, and the love warm in delusion. i want to see the numbers pass by as the clocks tick by, catch the pool in its moment of serenity, and catch a mother in her moment of insanity. i want to bottle this calm, shake it up, and serve it out. i want people to know...

lets make movies.

lets make memories.

lets make moments...

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I'm a fucktard
Sunday. 7.25.04 11:58 pm
i had an interesting dream. it was nnice. it was weird. it wasn't anticipated. it also brought along an interesting emot, carrying it subtly with me unknowing. but it struck none the less and i felt it as i should have known. hrm... i am, slightly, kind of, ok, i am sad... i dont know. but it was an interesting dream. a dream i wish could come true. a dream i know won't. it's impossible for me to be happy like that... but that's ok.i can feel what i feel but that won't change reality and thats what happens. that's how it goes. so be it.

why can't i be a normal kid dude? why. What is normal. why can't i be one of those kids who just doesnt care, does what she pleases, lets go once and a while, goes out and has fun, and i dont know. doesn't have all of this shit going on in her head. this amazing amount of confusion, facts, questions, thoughts, just an amazing maze that induces apathy, empathy, everything. i dont know. one can't be normal when one as i is so eccentric. that's priscilla...

i want to be free i want to be careless i want to kiss a boy and run around in the rain, i want to feel the wind blow and i lay in the grass, i want to be a kid man. i dont want to be so damn serious all the time so damn leaden with responsiblity, so insanly confused with my mind. delusion, hallucination, contusions

i just realized something.

i didnt want to...

the depressions setting in.

the cycle's restarting and i'm here again...

that was last night and this is today

i think that stupidity is settling in and the brain activity is taking a step back isnt it horrendous? i'm at a loss when it comes to insight and i cant see where it is i want to go. there tisnt much in which to do and never anywhere in which to go. i'm not giving up but then again, it is all too easy that is how it goes...

i know what's bothering me. its been here for quite a while and resurrects its self every once and a while. its something that i've known all too long and something thats bestowed upon me an odd sort of apathy... but when it strikes as the iron is sometimes hot, i do feel it's pain and what poison it has to bring. its odd that i allow somehting as such to affect me, and to this great amount, but thats the way i feel my world and the way i lose control. it isnt a person, it isnt a way, it isnt anything in which to say, its inbred now, unable in capable to seperate now. its my life, its my feelings, its my strife. i won't deny it, and i wont like it, but thats the way i am

that wwas this morning and this is now.

i think either, i got over that really quick or, i'm really good at hiding my feelings. but i am in a sensational mood. life isnt that bad. yeah, i'm missing some elements but i've got family and they're not too bad. i'm really enjoying my time with them. as few as i have left. i had a really good day with them and all i've done is work work work. it's cool. i see the family love and bond shindig going down and its pretty cool. i have to admit. i really am a sucker for this shit. lol. i love em. i do. my mum and dad are making the house awesome so people can come over, we can have a cool chill spot, and just for us kids to chill in a nice area where there's games, nice couches, comfy spots. its cool. they got a whole new entertainment center thing, new couches (leather) fucking, new marble table, new fan, fucking pimped the place out. its tight as shit. i love my parents. they try so hard to make life awesome for us. yeah, there are times we butt heads but they, thats the way life is, so be it. they want my friends to comeover more often. haha, thats pretty cool though, if you think about it. they like some of my friends and before i never had parents there. there to know my friends, know anything. know me. its cool i guess. i like having a family. its weird but not anymore. it was weird, and now its just a part of life. its just my life. and i like it. i can't go back to the old ways anymore. maybe i'm hitting a niche. maybe i've made it where i'm suppose to be. yeah, there are ups and downs like what i wrote this morning, but at least i have a home. thats more than i can ever say about those days. so, this is good. good. maybe my periods going to start. who knows. but, i like coming home and seeing parents home. i like not having to cook dinner for me and my sister. i like having parents there to talk to. i like having parents there to regulate me. i like seeing my parents more than once a week for half a day when you live with them man. i like having mature intelligent conversations. i like just having the conversations. i like messing around and having fun with them. i like being around them. at least its not so lonely anymore. atleast i have a family. thats really something. i'm fucking fortunate dude. really fortunate. i have someone here to tell me what to do. i have someone here. its stable. i'm not changing schools every year. i'm not fighting with a stupid 20 year old who claims to own me. i'm chill. i have a family. i like it.... i really do. i dont want to seem so ungrateful, but after so many years of chaos, this calm, is beauty. i really am fortuante, happy, and amazed at what i have. to have a house. a fucking house. you know i didnt have that. a house man. a room of my own. come on, to say "this is my room" oh shit, that is just lucky within its self. to have a room. wow. and i am not being sarcastic at all. to have all that i have. to have a fucking family room. please, thats just cool. man, two bedroom apartments to a four bedroom house with a fucking pool. why am i not more grateful and humble. why? i have a car man. do you know how much more i have than so many people out there. how much this actually is. i am shit for not acknowledging this everyday of my life. i am shit for not being more grateful, more fucking humble for this amazing life that i have. i need to stop complaining cause, look at all the shit i have. all of it. a fucking family, that is something else, a family man. a family... a house... man, i have everything. i have everything. i'm just an ass for not showing more appreciation. i have everything man. i take all that shit i said before back. i can't though. i'll leave it as a testament of my character and where i must grow and mature as a person. cause, man, looking at it today, i have an amazing life, theres nothing more i should ask for. i have a pool in my back yard. i have fucking house. and i take it all for granted. looking back on what i once had, i have the world now... i really do....

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Friday. 7.23.04 2:12 pm
I'm in an interesting mood. slightly surreal, incredibly calm. no frustrations, doing what must be cone, its cool. maybe this is me being content. i don't know...

"shes dreams in colors she dreams in red, can't find a better man..."

man i love pearl jam. nice.

i havn't felt like this in forever. its no stress, its nice. i think also its partly the fact that my room well, parts of it is clean. beautifully clean. i am a neat freak at times, OCD and a pig. but, hey, people are who they will be. but, i cleaned out all of my files, and fixed up my shelf. (this is a major task which normally would take a person an hour but i've put off for six months lol) so there's some pride in that. got a new game. unreal tournament. kind of cool. i threw away all of my college stuff. seriously i had oh i dont know, FIFTY BILLION letters from colleges out of state. i know some of them are preeety gnarly but, no, i can't leave. not my thing. yes, i would love new york and that would complete me, but i'll get there soon enough, w/o college. this is my new plan. go to school here, make through the ten years. get a doctorate, move to NY or maybe london, get lost, submerged, live a life with no one from my past. see my mum and pop once and while, and thats it. my new plan. simplistic, and not realistic. i love it.

yawn. today was good. wait, is good. doing well.

i've decided to get rid of DA, i don't want it anymore. i can't write. i think i've given up. and if i do write, i can slam it. i can post it on nutang, but not DA. enough, it was cool, served its inane purpose and now i'm done. ^_^ maybe one day i'll return but probably not. oh well. but it is a pain in the ass to delete each deviation one by one. fuck. oh well, i'm up for it.

i dont want to buy new clothes. the mum wants me too. lol, basically i'm going to get her to give me money and send me off. i'll be good. i hate shopping with people there. if i were alone, it'll be good. ii like shopping alone and quickly getting what i want and not loittering. man, i'm really dreading this whole, lets go shopping with the mum shindig. i dont know. i dont think i need new clothes anyways. *shrug* but thats not what she says. eh, fuck school, who gives a shit about what you look like.

alright, its getting to me now. what happened to me? i use to be able to write. i use to have some measure of decency. no, i'm just shit. i look at my old stuff and man, do i wish writing like that. again, i wasn't really coherent or happy, or content, or sane when i wrote those, but man, it was still cool. i cant explain my emots anymore. they're all muddled and odd, i can't put them into words. which in turn means no writing. man, that makes me feel like shit.

i think my sister just ruined my perfect mood.

damn it.

now i'm just frustrated.

awh. i wish i could go to the movies with ken. that would have been incredibly interesting but of course, baby duty. oh well. this is my life...


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Tuesday. 7.20.04 12:48 am
i'm giving up on the ones who can deal with me
i'm giving up on the ones with dignity
i'm giving up on the ones with the true beauty
i'm giving up on the ones who really need me.

it's power that one sees
but love that one needs
its emotion one feels
but it takes true maturity to deal

its lonely that i feel
and its people that i fear

nope. i can't write. i think i've given up on the prospect. what i do write is shity at best, and what i want to write refuses to manifest. so, i'm at a loss now. the main thing right now is that i'm tired. extremely tired.

"i haven't dreamt since i quit sleeping, I haven't slept since i met you"

i love alkaline trio.

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Monday. 7.19.04 2:57 pm
Come to think about it. Now, its the 19th. mmhm... Ok. Now, thursday is the 22nd haha, this kid i know is coming back, and i want to have some fun. i'm chill w/ him on the weekend. i believe i shall. people can have fun. rightt? i smile... he's cute.

haha, i was just thinking about that the other day, hah. luck. thats cool.

that reminds me, t shirt and movie. ok. i'll know, i'll remember, right?

Life is a largly unsuccessful thing.
its the seldom success that counts.

*shrug* sommethings seriously wrong with me.

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Monday. 7.19.04 2:48 pm
"I'm fatally yours"
- Alkaline Trio

Man, i love this band, its all that i've been listening too. not really. but they're a good band and i want to see them live. hrm. i like their lyrics. good lyrics, good music, lala

i'm bored. this is sick.

this is old.

i'll write later when thoughts actually flow.

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