i had an interesting dream. it was nnice. it was weird. it wasn't anticipated. it also brought along an interesting emot, carrying it subtly with me unknowing. but it struck none the less and i felt it as i should have known. hrm... i am, slightly, kind of, ok, i am sad... i dont know. but it was an interesting dream. a dream i wish could come true. a dream i know won't. it's impossible for me to be happy like that... but that's ok.i can feel what i feel but that won't change reality and thats what happens. that's how it goes. so be it.

why can't i be a normal kid dude? why. What is normal. why can't i be one of those kids who just doesnt care, does what she pleases, lets go once and a while, goes out and has fun, and i dont know. doesn't have all of this shit going on in her head. this amazing amount of confusion, facts, questions, thoughts, just an amazing maze that induces apathy, empathy, everything. i dont know. one can't be normal when one as i is so eccentric. that's priscilla...

i want to be free i want to be careless i want to kiss a boy and run around in the rain, i want to feel the wind blow and i lay in the grass, i want to be a kid man. i dont want to be so damn serious all the time so damn leaden with responsiblity, so insanly confused with my mind. delusion, hallucination, contusions

i just realized something.

i didnt want to...


the depressions setting in.

the cycle's restarting and i'm here again...



that was last night and this is today

i think that stupidity is settling in and the brain activity is taking a step back isnt it horrendous? i'm at a loss when it comes to insight and i cant see where it is i want to go. there tisnt much in which to do and never anywhere in which to go. i'm not giving up but then again, it is all too easy that is how it goes...


i know what's bothering me. its been here for quite a while and resurrects its self every once and a while. its something that i've known all too long and something thats bestowed upon me an odd sort of apathy... but when it strikes as the iron is sometimes hot, i do feel it's pain and what poison it has to bring. its odd that i allow somehting as such to affect me, and to this great amount, but thats the way i feel my world and the way i lose control. it isnt a person, it isnt a way, it isnt anything in which to say, its inbred now, unable in capable to seperate now. its my life, its my feelings, its my strife. i won't deny it, and i wont like it, but thats the way i am


that wwas this morning and this is now.

i think either, i got over that really quick or, i'm really good at hiding my feelings. but i am in a sensational mood. life isnt that bad. yeah, i'm missing some elements but i've got family and they're not too bad. i'm really enjoying my time with them. as few as i have left. i had a really good day with them and all i've done is work work work. it's cool. i see the family love and bond shindig going down and its pretty cool. i have to admit. i really am a sucker for this shit. lol. i love em. i do. my mum and dad are making the house awesome so people can come over, we can have a cool chill spot, and just for us kids to chill in a nice area where there's games, nice couches, comfy spots. its cool. they got a whole new entertainment center thing, new couches (leather) fucking, new marble table, new fan, fucking pimped the place out. its tight as shit. i love my parents. they try so hard to make life awesome for us. yeah, there are times we butt heads but they, thats the way life is, so be it. they want my friends to comeover more often. haha, thats pretty cool though, if you think about it. they like some of my friends and before i never had parents there. there to know my friends, know anything. know me. its cool i guess. i like having a family. its weird but not anymore. it was weird, and now its just a part of life. its just my life. and i like it. i can't go back to the old ways anymore. maybe i'm hitting a niche. maybe i've made it where i'm suppose to be. yeah, there are ups and downs like what i wrote this morning, but at least i have a home. thats more than i can ever say about those days. so, this is good. good. maybe my periods going to start. who knows. but, i like coming home and seeing parents home. i like not having to cook dinner for me and my sister. i like having parents there to talk to. i like having parents there to regulate me. i like seeing my parents more than once a week for half a day when you live with them man. i like having mature intelligent conversations. i like just having the conversations. i like messing around and having fun with them. i like being around them. at least its not so lonely anymore. atleast i have a family. thats really something. i'm fucking fortunate dude. really fortunate. i have someone here to tell me what to do. i have someone here. its stable. i'm not changing schools every year. i'm not fighting with a stupid 20 year old who claims to own me. i'm chill. i have a family. i like it.... i really do. i dont want to seem so ungrateful, but after so many years of chaos, this calm, is beauty. i really am fortuante, happy, and amazed at what i have. to have a house. a fucking house. you know i didnt have that. a house man. a room of my own. come on, to say "this is my room" oh shit, that is just lucky within its self. to have a room. wow. and i am not being sarcastic at all. to have all that i have. to have a fucking family room. please, thats just cool. man, two bedroom apartments to a four bedroom house with a fucking pool. why am i not more grateful and humble. why? i have a car man. do you know how much more i have than so many people out there. how much this actually is. i am shit for not acknowledging this everyday of my life. i am shit for not being more grateful, more fucking humble for this amazing life that i have. i need to stop complaining cause, look at all the shit i have. all of it. a fucking family, that is something else, a family man. a family... a house... man, i have everything. i have everything. i'm just an ass for not showing more appreciation. i have everything man. i take all that shit i said before back. i can't though. i'll leave it as a testament of my character and where i must grow and mature as a person. cause, man, looking at it today, i have an amazing life, theres nothing more i should ask for. i have a pool in my back yard. i have fucking house. and i take it all for granted. looking back on what i once had, i have the world now... i really do....

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