Friday. 7.23.04 2:12 pm
I'm in an interesting mood. slightly surreal, incredibly calm. no frustrations, doing what must be cone, its cool. maybe this is me being content. i don't know...
"shes dreams in colors she dreams in red, can't find a better man..."
man i love pearl jam. nice.
i havn't felt like this in forever. its no stress, its nice. i think also its partly the fact that my room well, parts of it is clean. beautifully clean. i am a neat freak at times, OCD and a pig. but, hey, people are who they will be. but, i cleaned out all of my files, and fixed up my shelf. (this is a major task which normally would take a person an hour but i've put off for six months lol) so there's some pride in that. got a new game. unreal tournament. kind of cool. i threw away all of my college stuff. seriously i had oh i dont know, FIFTY BILLION letters from colleges out of state. i know some of them are preeety gnarly but, no, i can't leave. not my thing. yes, i would love new york and that would complete me, but i'll get there soon enough, w/o college. this is my new plan. go to school here, make through the ten years. get a doctorate, move to NY or maybe london, get lost, submerged, live a life with no one from my past. see my mum and pop once and while, and thats it. my new plan. simplistic, and not realistic. i love it.
yawn. today was good. wait, is good. doing well.
i've decided to get rid of DA, i don't want it anymore. i can't write. i think i've given up. and if i do write, i can slam it. i can post it on nutang, but not DA. enough, it was cool, served its inane purpose and now i'm done. ^_^ maybe one day i'll return but probably not. oh well. but it is a pain in the ass to delete each deviation one by one. fuck. oh well, i'm up for it.
i dont want to buy new clothes. the mum wants me too. lol, basically i'm going to get her to give me money and send me off. i'll be good. i hate shopping with people there. if i were alone, it'll be good. ii like shopping alone and quickly getting what i want and not loittering. man, i'm really dreading this whole, lets go shopping with the mum shindig. i dont know. i dont think i need new clothes anyways. *shrug* but thats not what she says. eh, fuck school, who gives a shit about what you look like.
alright, its getting to me now. what happened to me? i use to be able to write. i use to have some measure of decency. no, i'm just shit. i look at my old stuff and man, do i wish writing like that. again, i wasn't really coherent or happy, or content, or sane when i wrote those, but man, it was still cool. i cant explain my emots anymore. they're all muddled and odd, i can't put them into words. which in turn means no writing. man, that makes me feel like shit.
i think my sister just ruined my perfect mood.
damn it.
now i'm just frustrated.
awh. i wish i could go to the movies with ken. that would have been incredibly interesting but of course, baby duty. oh well. this is my life...
enough.
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