Sometimes I feel so prudish. I don't like to drink. I don't do drugs. I most definitely do not smoke. Don't get me wrong, I don't think you need to do any of those things to have a good time, but beyond that, I feel like I am so... dull.

At times I sense myself become asocial, although I would not like to be. I've been invited to attend several functions, whether it be parties or get togethers, whatever. But most of the time I find myself at home enjoying the company of none but my own.

Like right now. I could be at DnB's having a good time chillin' with friends and whatnot, but here I am, getting ready to go to bed so that I can wake up and go to work tomorrow at 8am.

Thoughts?

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March 18 is a special day for me. It's the day my mother conceived me and brought me into this world.

I don't have anything planned, and I've learned not to expect anything... It only leads to disappointment at the end. Yet, even as I say this, if anything, I've always wanted a 'surprise' kind of a birthday. That would make my heart happy. It really really would. I'm not much of a party person (it's just not me), and it takes a whole lot of persuading to get me to go out on my own unless I really want to.

I am more comfortable around a small group of close friends than a big group of acquaintances. It just feels more genuine to me. But again, I don't expect anything at all. I don't have many close friends - I think I can count them on one hand - and even then, we're all just too busy. Besides, It's just me. And the birthday year isn't at all eventful. Yay 23, halfway to 46.

I guess I'm just being selfish. But I only have one birthday a year, and this year, I just want to feel a little love in my heart. Not that I haven't received a "happy birthday" here or "more power" there during birthdays past, but... I don't know. As sappy as it sounds, I just want to smile a genuine smile of happiness that comes from feeling loved by those around you.

Maybe I'm asking for too much. Or maybe I'm just setting myself up for a reality check. Anyway, I'm glad a I wrote about how I feel. It helps me relieve some of the tension that has welled up inside me regarding March 18th.

But honestly, thinking about my birthday is making my eyes water. It's supposed to be a happy day...

hopefully it doesn't end up sad.

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