Have you ever felt alone? Like you want to reach out and speak to someone, but it seems like there's no one around who can listen? Through these past couple of years, I've done my best to express how I feel so that it doesn't well up inside me and consume my thoughts and emotions, but sometimes I feel as if I have no choice but to internalize my feelings because I can't find any way to open myself to anyone else.

I always say I love to sing. I sing because it makes me happy. I sing because it takes me away from the real world, even for a short while. But the feeling is bittersweet. More often than not, I sing because it is one of the only ways I can relieve the pain that I go through. I'm not good with people, and a lot of the times I find myself quiet in an otherwise bustling room of verbage and conversation. At times I feel torn because I want to communicate, but there is always something holding me back. Maybe it's just my personality; I'm naturally quiet and kept to myself. Forcing myself to be otherwise is a struggle and unnatural. I get all mechanical and artificial and that's never a good thing.

Being in a complicated "relationship" also does not makes things any easier. I am single, and I've already accepted that. But at the same time, I feel like I'm chained to my so-called 'ex'. I've made mistakes in this almost five year relationship I admit, but I'm not the one who called it quits because I was unhappy. I still wanted to keep going, be strong for the both of us. But now, after about a month or so of being apart, do I really want to recommit myself to something that brings slight happiness, but the baggage and burden of the mistakes that will always blight any chance of a fresh start? I feel like I owe it to this person for standing by my side through some of the darkest parts of my young adult life, but if I'm unhappy with the way things are, how will that even work? Time seems to be a factor here, and although we both go to the same university, I don't graduate for at least another year, and they graduate in two months. We're so close physically, but so distant at the metaphorical level. Is it only at their convenience that the relationship will work? Because seriously, I'm not down with that kind of shit.

Maybe I just need someone else to spark an otherwise dwindling flame. Who knows...

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The Glow in the Dark tour is here in San Diego tonight and I'm going to watch it. I'm looking forward to see what Rihanna and N.E.R.D. are going to be doing, as well as seeing Kanye go all Flashing Lights status on stage.

Good times.

I'll post pictures here when I can.

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