hahaha looky at my sexy socks!

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haha i haven't posted for awhile...been busy and i have had a lot of problems, so yeah...

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life's actually ok right now...

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yay! life is so fucking great only it really is not...dunno what i am gonna do now. got home from school and my mom and older brother automatically started in on me. he told me to do laundry but i had to wait for my little brother to get his stuff out of the way. so i sat down in a chair in the kitchen. my older brother got all pissy that i wasn't doing it. he came up and knocked me out of the chair, slammed me against the stove, and fucked my wrist up. my mom came out of her bedroom. she went into the kitchen to see what was going on. she made my older brother get away from me and then she started in. she said that i deserve it and it is my fault that he hurts me...then i tried to explain what happened and she said if i didn't stop, she was gonna slap me or something...she was threatening to make me go move in with my dad or some stupid hospital place so i couldn't see my friends...she wants to take everything from me...she is threatening to take away the net and make it to where i cannot use the phone...i hate her so fucking much!!! she kept yelling and screaming at me. she doesn't give a fuck about what my older brother does. my knee is still sorta messed up from the jar he threw at me. he is 21, has no job, lives with his mom, and has never had a girlfriend...i hate him too...he is so abusive...he reminds me of my father...the sad thing is, that he doesn't have the same father as me...my mom really doesn't care if he hurts me...but when she found out that he hurt my 10 yr old little sister, she yelled at him...i really dunno what to do about all of this stuff...there really are no easy solutions... wrote this poem today I shut my eyes As pain consumes my soul I feel so far away Darkness is swallowing me whole My heart, so fragile Slips from its place As torrents of tears Streak down my face I stand here and do nothing As I slowly die I am not fighting back I won't even try The smiels and laughter Were all always fake Lies and masks Are all that you can make I gave you my trust And you used it to cause me pain I can no longer be around you It is driving me insane Mother, I don't know What I did to cause you to hate But I guess having no one Has always been my fate it sucks...but yeah...was really upset when i wrote it and i still am...dunno what i am gonna do...

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Painful, painful memories.... can never escaape them. Life is lonely and pointless right now. Can I die now, please? The tortures i've faced are plenty enough of a sign you want me to... so can you kill me now? Oh, and according to my neurologist and my MRI, I could have brain cancer near my brain stem. Yep, maybe I finally can. that is what joe had in his journal entry...if this is all true...i don't think i can deal with it again...losing someone that i love hurts me so much...it has already happened...i know that if it does, i won't be able to deal with it...i don't know what to do right now...

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i dunno if i am happy or depressed right now...i cannot stay focused on anything...i dunno hehehe...did work on some poetry though. they are ok, i guess. well i might as well post them. most of them don't have titles yet...hehehe well here they are:

I close my eyes

And try to empty my mind

Searching for happiness

But it is just so hard to find

The pain is always there

Eating away

Whey did this happen

It is such a hard price to pay

Images of you

Are forever haunting me

Why can't you

Just let me be

I don't know

Why I just can't forget

But you are still a part of me

And I just cannot stop it

I will always wonder

Why you had to die

And why I just let you

Pass me by

But now I have

Someone new

Hopefully he will help me

Purge these memories of you





I am immortal

I cannot die

My life is infinite

You cannot just pass me by

You are full of

Jealousy and spite

Neither one of us knows

Who will win this fight

You stand there, trembling

With fear of me

Because you know

I'm more than you can see

But look now

We have both lost in the end

You have betrayed me

I thought that you were my friend





My soul is roaming

It is free

My soul is no longer

A part of me





I stand here

My eyes bleeding with pain

I am ever so cold

In this misting rain

The image of you

Is haunting my mind

But I don't understand

How I'm supposed to leave you behind

I am lost

My heart torn in two

One is for him

And the other for you

I am always trying

But I still do not know

Why I must

Love you both so





I am what you cannot see

I am no one else

I am just me





You cannot see me

For what I really am

Something that you could never be

With these purifying flames

Burning deep down inside where you cannot see





I cannot think that

You love and hate me too

As I slowly

Die inside of you





I watch you no longer try

I watch you stop caring

I watch you cry

I watch you suffer

I watch you just sigh

I watch you hurt others

I watch as you lie

I watch you slowly fade away

I watch as you pass me by

I watch you, so helpless

I watch you say goodbye

I watch and do nothing

I watch as you die





The wound is open

The secret is free

The vultures are ready

To pick the bones clean





I dreamed that I was happy

I dreamed that you were here

I dreamed of a life so long ago

I dreamed of a future that wasn't clear

I dreamed that I no longer had a reason to not cry

I dreamed so many dreams

I dreamed that my soul was still alive

But after a while I realized

That all of these dreams were hopeless

But this came to me without suprise





The hearts, bound so tightly

Were slowly torn apart

And fell upon the cold ground

They twisted away

From each other

The hate beginning to start

Their love had been so long forgotten

It is no longer there

Because the two bleeding hearts

Had finally disappeared

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