So Really now I should be revising but I think too much and when thinking too much I can't really do work.

One of the things that realy distracted me was when N said that she wants to find soemone that she can't live without. I never thought she'd be a person to think that way, used to think that way, but I dont think its possible anymore. but I'm still happy thinking that one day I'll meet someone which understands me relatively alot.

but what made me tink more and more is that she said soemthing about friendship being soemthing where you need the other person and the other person as well, but n a few years you then dont need each other... and then is that still a friendship?

why does friendship have to involve using each other?

I don't think their phiosophy is right, isnt the point of being friend being there for each other rather than needing soemthing from another?

she asked me do I feel like I can keep my friends forever, and I think I will and can, as long as I want to. But I relaised it because we have different opinions on whats keeping a friendship. In the future, probably in 10 years, using an exmaple of me rosie and shaneeza, we might meet up once every 6 months or even less. But our friendship would still be there.

she says thats not much of a friendship, you don't need each other naymore. whats the point?

Then I didnt know how to answered, I said I'd be happy with that. But I relaised n life there's people you can't replace, i don't really need anyone in fact, but pretty happy on my own. But there's people you only meet once in your life, you'll meet new people in your life but its not the same as the ones that are already there. some friends are irriplacable.

Somehow this seems less like a diary, some people ead this, making it kind of weird.

I think its hard to make me tell the truth soemtimes.I don't feel like sayng it, I can't, only after I totally get over it

sometimes people amke things worse.

One day I'd like to prove to soemone that friends aren't using each other, one day I'll do soemthing for soemone and prove that friends are worth alot more than that.

xxx

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again im here writing a blog entry.

I'm not setting this to private because I think for a person like me who can't say what they really feel, whoever wants to read this can read this.

crystina if you're reading you're warned, you said I wouldn't want to read your privatised blog entry, you most likely won't want to read this, or wish you hadn't afterwards but it's up to you.

It all started with this year's xia ling nin, I would have been wonderfully if everything worked out... But it hasn't.

It started with me and the twins, then I persuaded G to go, then X wanted to join as well suddenly, then I had anticipated tension. O asked if I was going, surprised that we were applying to the same thing.

And now all that is left is far fewer than what started.

I had the feeling when I read G's blog a while ago, she doesnt actually understand what I'm trying to say in a way. By letting her read my blog, and see a part of me she doesnt usually see I thought she woud understand me better and in a way see things how I see things, from a wider perspective.

Before she had read my short story, that post before, thats when I felt for certain, she didnt understand what I was tyring to say. On the phone I said that it was very "kuan rong of her" to do what she did, and not to dislike T, but it was expected, alot of people would not dislike T in her situation, but I guess she has changed. she said that her bog was wayy more "kuan rong" in a way I guess can be interpreted sarcastically, I guess her meaning of kuan rong is the fact that she's accepting things? aye. confusing.

To be honest recently Ive been quite a happy person, but this whole exacerbated drama is whats causing the negatives in my like. Actually those were bad descriptive words to use, *sighs* I mean situation? I dunno anymore, it causes the most complications.

I know in a way she must feel betrayed, hurt, when I got the confirmation email, at fist I thought she didn't get in. But the O told me that his friend who didn't get the email is still going, that gave me some hope. But it was then I realised, I have wanted to go on this trip for a long time, before G said she was going I had wanted to go. So now that she isn't going? I realised I still very much wanted to go.

At that point I remembered a conversation we had a long time ago, where I said it would really suck if one of us didn't get in. But then I had meant it would really suck, but oh well, the other who did get in should go anwyays. But she instead gave the alternative that we go crash at her for a few weeks, I hinted more of what I realy meant by saying that it would be hard to get EVERYONE to do that. but aye.... *headache*

she doesn't say much of what she feels anymore, she says she doesnt know what she feels. I think she must feel a mixture of emotions, and mixed in with that s a feeling of not wanting to tell me some of it. I understand, its alright. her decision.

When she phoned last night, and asked me why I didn't tel ehr she didn't get in, I had honestly didn't know she was certainly rejected, I had thoguht she might be the ones to get a phone call. I didn't know what to say. For a while now I feel like I keep filling in the blanks during our phone calls, it all gets so tiresome... I have to think and say and make the phone call animated. In a way I feel even when she is the one to call me first that in this conversation im fightng a losing battle. A battle where I can't see where I'm going or I'm blind folded, I can only trust my instincts but its getting harder and harder.

I gave her the option, she said she wanted to let me go. I didn't make a decision. she made it. I fought to make sure we didn;t drift anymore, I dont want to end up as strangers. But its hard. and when it gets hard I'm replaced my slight feeling of annoyance. feelings of "screw that" why do I keep trying?

I just want to be friends who can be happy with and for each other. is it that hard?

But I felt that it was also selfish of me, this trip which we both wanted to go on, I got in she didnt, yet I still want to go. I know if it was the opposite way I would be very jealous, but I feel that I would still tell her to go on it, because its a great opportunity and it wasn't her fault but mine. I usually tell myself this anwyays so it isn't that different, if I fail at soemthing, even if it was a group effort, if I did that little bit better maybe it would have been okay. Some poeple like to blame others, I'm not one of them, or I try not to be, I blame myself. Like in a badminton match a while ago, my partner is... alright, she's okay in badminton.

We lost the match. I knew it. But I had been tired then, I was pushed to the back to take mostof the hots, because she's much better if the front than she is at the back, and she came infront of me and took quite a few of my front shots which I was in a very good position to get. Aye, we lost. even though if my partner coud have done better, I say I shoud have realised sooner her potential, and not have tried to play sides, and had just taken back. In all honesty in not that great a back player, especially since she's quite a lot taller than me, playing back makes me feel in an awkward position. But I could ahve done better, I could ahve pushed more shot to the back, I knew that im a much stronger back player than the two we were up against, they were both much more front players. yet I couldn't push enough back far enough,a s soon as I pushed a back shot, they'd just drop shot, and aim at my partner, and then once we lose our advnatge theyd lift back again, making me have to hit a far back which is their weakness. But if my smashes were better, the match could hve been finished and won alot quicker.

She's hurt and I know, but I dunno what to do to help. she asked me to go to Xi An with her, I accepted, though she says its not needed anymore since im active on the new facebook group? but the thing is what I want to hea is that: "Its okay, i understand how much you want to go, so go!" but for some reason what comes back is a feeling that I have betrayed her, like Ive done soemthing back by posting on that group. When I said Imight go on the Xi An one didn't mean certainly I'd give up all ideas on this one, and nothing was even finalised. how was I meant to know if we were going or not, G ahd given me no informatio. By aye.. my fault i guess I need to deal with it. If I hadn't accepted going to Xi An in the beginning none of this would have happened, or if i never brought up the prospect that one of us might not get in.

sad isnt it.

biology preliminary experiment for c/w tomorrow, chem test tomorrow.
aye.

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22:16

29-4-07


I¡¯ve always wanted to be a better person, wanted to change for the better. I thought if I was a better person then I¡¯d be able to happier, I¡¯d be a lot happier as I¡¯d be happy for other people not just myself.
I don¡¯t know if its working.

But I¡¯m going to tell you a story, an analogy.

-------------------------------

They say life is like a race, running to win.

But I say it¡¯s not the goal at the end that matters, but you on that race track. Running. Solitarily. People are running with you. People are over taking you. Some people simply pass on by.

I was running on my lane. I¡¯m awfully good at running, you see I¡¯ve always done that, passed people by. But I¡¯ve always had someone running with me, I couldn¡¯t stand the thought to be without my running partner.

But once my partner wanted a break, and they went ¡°go on, I¡¯ll catch up in a sec.¡± Sometimes things like that happened, didn¡¯t give it much of a thought, and kept on running.

A few tracks away I was someone, a girl. My age. My height. My build. But very different from me, I knew that before I was even there, before I even approached her. I knew her before. It was a forced meeting, between two people who didn¡¯t run in the same style, or the same speed, just happened to look like they should or would be good running partners together. Obviously it didn¡¯t work out. Left, and was glad to be back on my road again.

I¡¯ve seen her from afar before, but seeing her there. Jogging in her own way, I realised our pace matched each others. I stopped and looked at her, and she stopped and looked at me. I did something I never tried before, I left my own track and crossed through other tracks and stopped in front of this girl.

I offered her a hand, and she grabbed it.

Same age, same height, same build. But didn¡¯t run the same. So I showed her how I found is the best way to run. I let her share my track, I didn¡¯t mind.

I grabbed her by the arm, turned round smiled at her, ¡°come on!¡± before I started off at the pace I was running before, she followed me. I didn¡¯t think she would, but she did.

That went on for a long, long time.

I didn¡¯t mind, that for one I was pulling someone along my track with me. Showing her my world. Many people came, left, passed by.

She had sacrificed her own track to be with me ¨C to keep me company? I didn¡¯t realise that.

I wanted someone like me. I gave her my world, I wanted her to another me. So I didn¡¯t ever have to be alone again.

But we¡¯re not the same person, now I think of it, it was ridiculous to think that way in the first place. But then again, I just wanted someone there for me. No matter what, she learnt how to run so like me that sometimes I¡¯d look at her and no know what to say.

But one day I got tired, I stopped, let go of that arm, and we walked side by side. She walks faster than I do, I tried to keep up, it was different not something I was quite used to.

She said she couldn¡¯t stay much longer, she needed to go back to her track, but her track is now nowhere near my track, I asked how she would get back, she said she would find another track, but she said she would be back, that we would still be able to keep running together, every now and then, but it would be enough. I smiled. It was all going to be okay.

I¡¯d rested enough. I was never one to rest long. I didn¡¯t even like walking. I only did it when I had to.

I waved her goodbye, turned ran forwards on my track and didn¡¯t turn back.

She came every now and then back to me, bringing back new stories of all these other tracks she¡¯s been near or tried sharing. I smiled for her, hearing her adventures. I already noticed, she¡¯s stopped running like me, she still runs a like me. I smiled. It was all okay.

Later, she came back. This time it was different, she has joined this new track she tells me all the thrills of this other track. I look at my own and find, that my track does not compare. I don¡¯t say anything but just listen to her as she tells me excitedly. I smile at her. I knew I¡¯d see her even less, but I began to accept that. The new track sounds good, suits her, it¡¯d do her good. So I let her go. I had nothing to offer her in comparison and I was not about to make demands empty handed. I knew from then on, when she came back she¡¯d be different, she¡¯d be running like another person the next time I see her.

Running along. Running along. It was different. I got used to running with someone so near me, my track was too big for me. Too big for just myself.

I wondered. Why have I just stayed on this track? I remember trying other tracks for short whiles¡­ but that seemed like a long time ago. Knowing she¡¯s changing and adapting her style. I didn¡¯t want to get left behind.

I found people running next to me, at the same speed. Joined them. Shared theirs for a bit. Strange track this time. Very different, but enjoyable. I started to realise staying on my track I wonder saw certain things, but this was new.

The next time I saw her again, I didn¡¯t know how, I didn¡¯t know why, she was running in a different direction. I knew I could always go to her, take her my the arm and run together again. All I needed to do was jump through these other tracks. But she looked so happy there, she liked those tracks, who am I to take her away?

I waited. I wondered if she¡¯d take me onto that track. She offered many times, had many ideas. But she never too me by the arm. We didn¡¯t run together again.

Now as we looked at each other. Same height, Same age, Same build. We realised how different we have become. Different directions, different track types, yet really we still ran a like in ways, if one looked close enough.

We both realised that we were so far away, it wouldn¡¯t be simply crossing over anymore. I saw another person on her track with her, did she really want me to be there? I didn¡¯t know.

Reaching over is hard. Being able to run with her again wouldn¡¯t be easy. But now that she¡¯s seen me, she understands. She seems to want to run together too. We know it won¡¯t be the same. We know we have to switch many tracks. But now that I see her, I know that maybe one day I¡¯ll be in the track next to hers. For how long I dunno.

But I¡¯ll be there.

She¡¯ll be there.

Until the next time we change tracks. But now that we¡¯ve been apart for so long. Maybe we¡¯ll understand more the need to jump into each others tracks now and then, to know where the other is headed, to make sure they¡¯re still within a reachable distance.

Maybe, Maybe then, we¡¯ll be able to see each other across a few tracks, running with different people beside us and smile at each other.

¡°Hey stranger?¡±

would that ever happen?

I was never liked trying on a new pair of trainers anyways.


---

hm... looking back at what I wrote last night before I fell asleep... I'm confused myself. There's things than can be added...

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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24-4-07

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Be mine.

Alone.

Today I showed me written diary to N then P, I didn't mirror the extent of my feelings. Felt strange. Hollow even. Though I had read what I had written before and concluded there wasn't anything too bad before I showed them. It made my skin crawl.

I think it's time to be honest with myself.

Almost a journey of self-discovery, I don't know myself that well. Neither do you.

-----
A few months ago I met a girl from class, I met her again and said "hi" I asked why she wasn't in class last time. "I was at counselling." I hid my shock and smiled. Even though I admit everyone needs a counsellor, but to meet someone who so openly admits it, makes me think 'why?' She had ragged ginger hair that stuck to the sides of her face, there were lingering attempts to dye it black. Dressed in baggy clothing, predominantly black. She looked the typical misfit. I didn't think anything of it. I can't remember how this conversation ended. But I always felt that she was a friendly person, I can't image the problems she's facing.

Today I met her again. While apping my make up in the toilets, through my mirror I saw a girl with tied beach blonde hair. I studied her through the mirror opposite, not recognising her at first. When I did, I turned around and smiled at her. I realised just how much of a dumbass I seemed (and am), going to the toilet just to apply make up. How abysmal. How much does image me? She saw me, she seemed to smile or maybe it was my imagination. I wanted to talk to her. why did she change her appearance? See how she was doing. But I had finished my make up. I packed up. Left through the door. Looked back and she was moving on too. Leaving that place by the sink.

I wonder if I will see her again.

More , where will I see her again.
------
My parents argued yesterday. It was over rice. How to cook rice to be specific. My dad insisted that "the rice needs to be left in the pot for 30 mins," while mum kept saying "its because I washed the rice 5 or 6 times." A small matter. But t escalated, dad argued "you are always like this! I am only trying to tell you something that I've learnt today. Do you feel that you know more than I do?" Mum then said "Yea I do, I cook rice more than you." The dinenr table was silent, apart from the music that drifted from my laptop. "You should pay respect to other people, if you knew you could have told me, maybe at least accept it! Its a basic for of respect, not only to your family members, but its also the way you should treat strangers even." I think mum chose to ignore it.

When I tried to make a comment on brother's eating habits, dad who always usually complains abou that anyways went on and on. I was tired. Tired of the arguing. I made an expressionless face an just nodded every now and then. "Good Annie! you have such a good attitude towards this!" exclaimed mum.

That was it. I didn't want to be in the middle of it, but she praised me for trying to blank my dad? when in actual fact I agreed with him? but I only did it because I didn't want it to escalate. She obviously did not understand that and just egged me on. This is why my opinion of my mother is pretty low at times.

Suddenly, I thought about N said "Can a marriage be happy forever?" I've always thought my parent's one was... but what if it's not? But just an agreement between to people? How can I tell if theres anything more affection left? What really is the difference? Does love just dissipate within time? Ive always believed that love could be forever. Is it...? Again I'm just living a sheltered life.

I believe love can be forever. Because not believing makes te future bleak.
-----
For some reason everytime I publish a diary like entry, I feel like I'm talking about this to someone. I wonder who that someone is...?


Tsukiko.

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