Be mine.

Alone.

Today I showed me written diary to N then P, I didn't mirror the extent of my feelings. Felt strange. Hollow even. Though I had read what I had written before and concluded there wasn't anything too bad before I showed them. It made my skin crawl.

I think it's time to be honest with myself.

Almost a journey of self-discovery, I don't know myself that well. Neither do you.

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A few months ago I met a girl from class, I met her again and said "hi" I asked why she wasn't in class last time. "I was at counselling." I hid my shock and smiled. Even though I admit everyone needs a counsellor, but to meet someone who so openly admits it, makes me think 'why?' She had ragged ginger hair that stuck to the sides of her face, there were lingering attempts to dye it black. Dressed in baggy clothing, predominantly black. She looked the typical misfit. I didn't think anything of it. I can't remember how this conversation ended. But I always felt that she was a friendly person, I can't image the problems she's facing.

Today I met her again. While apping my make up in the toilets, through my mirror I saw a girl with tied beach blonde hair. I studied her through the mirror opposite, not recognising her at first. When I did, I turned around and smiled at her. I realised just how much of a dumbass I seemed (and am), going to the toilet just to apply make up. How abysmal. How much does image me? She saw me, she seemed to smile or maybe it was my imagination. I wanted to talk to her. why did she change her appearance? See how she was doing. But I had finished my make up. I packed up. Left through the door. Looked back and she was moving on too. Leaving that place by the sink.

I wonder if I will see her again.

More , where will I see her again.
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My parents argued yesterday. It was over rice. How to cook rice to be specific. My dad insisted that "the rice needs to be left in the pot for 30 mins," while mum kept saying "its because I washed the rice 5 or 6 times." A small matter. But t escalated, dad argued "you are always like this! I am only trying to tell you something that I've learnt today. Do you feel that you know more than I do?" Mum then said "Yea I do, I cook rice more than you." The dinenr table was silent, apart from the music that drifted from my laptop. "You should pay respect to other people, if you knew you could have told me, maybe at least accept it! Its a basic for of respect, not only to your family members, but its also the way you should treat strangers even." I think mum chose to ignore it.

When I tried to make a comment on brother's eating habits, dad who always usually complains abou that anyways went on and on. I was tired. Tired of the arguing. I made an expressionless face an just nodded every now and then. "Good Annie! you have such a good attitude towards this!" exclaimed mum.

That was it. I didn't want to be in the middle of it, but she praised me for trying to blank my dad? when in actual fact I agreed with him? but I only did it because I didn't want it to escalate. She obviously did not understand that and just egged me on. This is why my opinion of my mother is pretty low at times.

Suddenly, I thought about N said "Can a marriage be happy forever?" I've always thought my parent's one was... but what if it's not? But just an agreement between to people? How can I tell if theres anything more affection left? What really is the difference? Does love just dissipate within time? Ive always believed that love could be forever. Is it...? Again I'm just living a sheltered life.

I believe love can be forever. Because not believing makes te future bleak.
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For some reason everytime I publish a diary like entry, I feel like I'm talking about this to someone. I wonder who that someone is...?


Tsukiko.

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