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So tired… not just exhaustion in my body,

But my mind.

So tired of life.

I feel like I’m running, and I feel I’m losing the motivation to run. Not because of myself, but because of other more this time.

Feel like I’m weighed more with other’s expectations, others who rely on me to do this for them, and more and more I grow tired of trying to live up to these expectations.

Right now H expects quite a few things from me, Y expects things from me, T expects things from me, I expect things from myself, my prnts expect things from me O expects less from me but there are still expectations. Things they’ve also asked me to do.

I hate my empathy sometimes, because I understand why they want me to do it, why me doing it might actually be better than them doing it themselves, why me doing it would help them, why the need me for this. Why I’m sometimes helping two people at the same time.

This makes me scheme, I try to make things work, without even the person who’s asked for this to happen knowing that I’m doing this. Because even though they asked me for help, the results usually look like a chance – good luck. But really its subtle.

I asked P how to truly like someone from the heart yesterday.

She didn’t really answer me.

I think I think it hard as I grew older to like someone so purely because of my own personality.

It’s a good point of my personality that I don’t blame others, I don’t really have expectations from them and more expect things from myself. I’m rarely disappointed and in ways have to improve myself. Making me better.

But this also means I don’t believe in other people. I don’t have those expectations. How can I like someone without first believing in them? Its that fundamental? To be able to expect things, to trust them?

However I’d say I trust people, I trust them that they are a good person. But maybe I don’t fully believe everything they say they’ll do for me. I trust them when they say they’ll do things, but in ways when it has anything to do with me I don’t expect it.

Maybe I should learn to have expectations. Then, maybe that’s taking the first step.

But changing the basis of my personality isn’t a good thing. I thought it was a good point of my personality to not have expectations of other people?

I don’t know why life has got so tiring recently, I seem to lose my enthusiasm for things. How do I get it back?

I thought up a project, project A. Using X would be too common. By to carry out project A rather than just to plan it takes a lot more time. I wonder if I would bother in the end. I guess its positive though.

With Y recently, I feel like we’re very different people. I think her main problem is that 他想不开, I think you have to look at tings more openly. Otherwise it just gets worse and worse. Every time she tells me things now, and she’s upset it always seems to be why its upsetting HER, how she feels that people shouldn’t be this way. I’m trying to show her that she can’t blame other for the way they are, because others would the just blame her for the way she is. That maybe her expectations are too high? But she doesn’t expect them to do more, but quite the contrary she expects them to do less, but doing less is a high expectation when its someone you care about.

I also told her, I was scared, that one day she would feel this way about me. She hates people telling her what to do. I never really have, I’ve let her make her own decisions because she is her own person. But what if one day when we’re older, she does something which I am not able to accept? Like class A drugs? Or hurt people for fun? I’m not saying that she would, but if she did something that I really couldn’t tolerate, wouldn’t she just them treat me like how she does the others? And start to hate me?

She said she wouldn’t, because mainly its parents and parents have an authority over her and that’s why it gets that way. And I would be suggesting rather than commanding.

Does a parent want whats best for their kid?

I don’t know what would happen in the future. I can’t say things to people. I think in the future she might be one of those people who I wouldn’t have quite a few things I’m unable to say to. Maybe ever since we were young in a way I’m scared, of her anger, ever being directed at me.

Maybe its because I still don’t understand enough, but in ways I feel like she threatens others with her depression? That’s the wrong way to say things. But that if bad things happen she may go into depression like before and that would be really bad. But again that’s thinking about herself. Can she really understand what its also like for others? A lot of people manage to pull themselves out of depression, I don’t expect her to have the will and be able to, because its not an easy thing, but cant she think more positively?

Maybe I should try to show her a more positive world. I don’t know how to really do that tho. In ways even I can see it, when she manipulates me. I’m not as stupid as I look or scheme, I know it, but I don’t think she knows I know it. She thinks me naïve, I just prefer to act like I don’t know. Because if she knows I know that creates another situation. Its better this way. I know her traps and I know when its there, I just step into them knowing theyre there.

I think maybe she is getting better.

But before anything. I think she needs to start understand the people around her. I could get caught up in my own depression, but I realise that there are people who have much more right to be depressed than me, yet they pick themselves up and get on with life. If they can do it, I can do it.

That the world is good and good people are rewarded because theyre happier.

It scared me the way she thinks sometimes. She wanted me to do something but then I said my parents wouldn’t let me do that, and I would have to check first. But then she said to me, whats the worst they can do? Let them do it. But that’s not the thing, its not because what the parents can do, but its almost like having a family code which you must obey. You don’t obey it because otherwise you get punished, but you obey it because of morals? Because its ur family? Because its expected? Its hard to explain. But she doesn’t seem to understand that people don’t do things, not just because there is a punishment. But maybe she doesn’t understand why the punishment is there in the first place? That its for our own good, to learn?

I do feel sorry for her. I used to feel sorry for her more. But when she cares so much for herself already, my sorrow goes out to those who don’t care about themselves that much and have no-one to care for them still.

Maybe I find it strange how I can relate to certain things?

/That I sometimes would actually take the other side?

I don’t know….

I don’t know what to do about H either. She’s different from what I originally thought. She is a good person, but I realised everything is to an extent. I guess I was disappointed, I thought she was further than she actually was. Not disappointed, surprised?

I hate it when people end up forcing me to do things, because I don’t feel like I can refuse. I don’t show it, but inside I get more and more frustrated.

Tired…………

I wish I could believe in people more.

Had a strange dream, seemed like almost an parallel universe, maybe in the future, some sort of shopping centre, lots of people I know there. Why was I fighting someone I knew? Strange emotions throughout the dream, all the different people I knew who they were but in a way different to how they are. I think I was scared for part of the dream as well.

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watching drama has made me realise, how much I want people to understand me and its not even their fault but my inability to express me emotions more.

I don't even think that writing things help me express them very much, maybe I'll try another method.

It too hard to write the thing I want to say because I never manage to say ti the way I want to and therefore never write it.

I think I have problems in believing in people, because I don't like to rely on others and tend to blame myself when things go wrong, I thin I now find it hard to believe someone when they say soemthing to me. Maybe its natural to not get your hopes up.

I dont know what I'm doing, I should be revising for my exams, and yet? I don't just haven't been in the mood to work.

It shocks me how my emotions change, I don't seem to care about elizabeth anymore, after knowing ehr for around 5/4 years? It surprises me... I dont know why, maybe its because I havent seen ehr face to face, tlaking on msn is very different and somehow very unappelaing.

I think I get hurt by things others don't realise, I don't know if I'm good at hiding some of my emotions, or maybe some people do notice and just fails to mention?

I find people interesting, but I find my-self exacerbating and annoying.

How ocme I just can't say some simple thing to some people?

Like... How I never seem to be able to say to H just before the biology exam to stop caring about what K did, ad just drop the subject, because she seem to be worried and anxious over her exam and just tkaing all her emotions out on K, even though what did was not right... but for H to do that. I just walked on, and pushed it to the back of my mind. I didnt want to have to deal with this when I have an exam tht morning... But then when has the right time ever been?

Why did it matter to H? I know H was annoyed my K, but to be honest she was just angry at herself? IT's like every times once I see them move on from that, they seem to bring it up again, it just frustrates me and makes me want to go: for fuck sakes, get over it. I mean if she didn't like K stop makes jibes at her and just go and say it to her face, or just dont have any contact with her. I;ve never reprimanded H, I didnt want to, but tht time I never wanted to so mcuh before.

I was disappointed in H.

So mcuh is going to happen in the next month, in ways I guess my emotions would go through a collercoaster. I don't notice myself as I change, maybe in ways I do, I think my tolerance has lowered, I used to be alot more tolerant to alot more things. I used to be able to tolerate everything.

I guess now I just seen to lack motivation for anything. I think this would be better after my exams are over.

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what a strange thing, one of the most debated things in life.

when I was younger I wanted to find my the one, but Ive come to realised Y might not exist.

Relationships are something slowly built up, your perceptions of people change through the years. Your enemy sometimes becomes one of the people you treasure most. Its hard to say what makes me get on with someone and what makes me not get along with them.

I have to say I'm more of one of those people that gets along with people because the other person wants to get along with me. I'm as close to them as they want to be. I've always been like this. The others made the decisions, in ways they decided whether we were friends or not. This became more apparent a I grew older, I almost came to accept certain things like friends moving away.I felt that they wanted to move away from me. Sometimes obviously I myself played a part as I didn't make enoguh effort either, but if they wanted me back I would be.

However when asking Shaneeza about Helen who has moved away from both of us, I said maybe we should face it, caus shes been to so many new places, seen new things thats she's changed, not the person we once knew.
But then she said: what if I don't want to give tht person up?
I said: It's not our choice,
she said: A relationship is a two way thing, what if I dont want to let go?

A valid point. How come I couldnt have just thought like that? thats why i look u to S, lik an older sister I never had. She's a v.good person.

Maybe in fact she treasures everyone around her more than I do?

no, I dont think so , I think maybe I thought that I was doing the right thing just letting them go in ways. Didn't affect me as much as I thoguht it would... when will I say stop? and make the effort and fight for the bond between 2 people? Distance really tests friendship.

Back to love. I have a far more down to earth view now. I just want to find Y, someone that I can communicate with well, understands me, I used to want to be loved. Now I want someone to love. to treasure. to hold onto and never let go. Yet am I brave enough to do that? to let myself go, even though Y might not want me? How hard can it be to fall in love? Ive never been in love. I before just wanted someone to lvoe me, and I'd love them back. But realised tht its different, trying to love someone who you do not love is different. to being with someoe who u actually love, who can make u happy by jut being with them.

I guess I shouldnt hurry. one day I'll meet this person, maybe I'll realise one day that it someone ive known all my life. hahha although tht thought right nw is quite strange.

Do I want to fall in love? or just to love?

thts something totally different. I can love a puppy, a little stray I've picked off the road. But I can't be in love. I wonder what I want. Something to care for? No, I've always had that. Maybe I want to be in love, and yet I can't because I hold back.

I think it also has soemthing to do with the fact that I never make as much effort as I should, I place too much in the hands of fate. I never pursue something which I want, never pursued in that sense. Always waited for things to come to me, and if they didnt I wasnt sad. But Ive never went and wanted something and got it. Do I believe I can do it?

I want one day to fall in love.

I want one day to be able to show more of myself that I am able to.

I want one day to make the world a beautiful place, no matter how much I have to sacrifice to get there.

xxxx

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sooo N doesnt mean using each other but needing each other?

I wonder if I have friends because need them, obviously I think I need the they help me. Did she in the future she feels that she doesnt need her friends anymore? or the old ones?

maybe its because we're different people. She has someone who will be there foreve for her, because the rest of us don't have that, we go out and form some very strong bonds. Maybe thats the difference between us two.

but the again she says that she wnats to find someoe irriplacable, doesnt tht mean she wants to form a bond like that? but at the same time she questions the possibility of its existence?

There are definitely people in the world I don't need, I know because when they leave I'm not sad at all.But then again how much do I need the people around me? I will keep living if they die, I will keep getting up everyday. Can I go on living without them?

maybe she wants to find someone she cannot live without, I think that might be impossible. Her standards are very high.

Maybe its also because she has to share everyhting even her friends. Because usually when a person forms a bond with another it is not shared, can they be replaced by each other? N by P, and P by N? is that what she means? someone which is irriplacable because they recognise her for who she is rather than someone who looks nearly exactly like her and acts very like her?


















is it because she feels replacable herself.













hahaha it amuses that she probably will one day read this. I never thought about it from that perspective either. But really I think im making a valid point.














Do you feel that you want someone irriplacebale and find it hard to find soemone is your life like that because u feel replaceable yourself? you want to find someone who doesnt feel that you are then replaceable?

I've flipped the question back to you. Maybe that is whats truely holding you back form finding your special someone.

.......... *edited*

that hurts. I feel that hurts even though im not one of them.
.....*edited*
I realised I probabaly will not be able to cope with that.

I know their personality differences, I've noticed well enough that I can distinguish them from each other from either what they say or the way they act. Theyre very different in ways, only different because theyre so similar.

At the start i recognised them easily.

I tried. I really really did try.
...*edited*
doesnt everyone want their own identity? so I distinguished the two, because if I were one of them, ......*edited*.

Actually I take back what I said. It does make a difference which one of them is there. Each of them give me a difference feeling, like the basis of them is different.

in a way i'd say P gives off a more similar feeling to that of shaneeza.
N is far harder to place in ways.. not sure havent thought about it.
only realised P gives off the feelig shaneeza does to me - kind of.

...................*edited*

Lynne said to me one day which is perfectly valid, this is when lynne wanted to go on the chia trip with me and the twins and G. I asked would she be annoyed if N and P went off with G. But we came to the conclusion that it'd be fine, caus prbs one would stay with her and maybe the other might go off with G.


Only now looking at it do I realise that it showed in that comment, .................................*edited*

Do they both just want someone where they care about one of them and one of the differently to the other one?


........*edited* Everything harder than I realised. because its natural for people to cross their boundaries.

ouch.

But then again theyve been liking like this for a long time. therefore their feelings must be different to mine

....*edited*

damn....gotta hurt.

-----

But then again theyve got each other, which means something beyond anyhting. maybe that surpasses the pain that I can see.

maybe it in itself is hard better than anything negative that can possibly spawn.

xxxxx



----- edited, not because I dont want N or P to read it, but edited after G said I think too much, my thoughts woud possibly hurt them far more than I can see. So G told me to password protected, though in my protected one I did give them warning... G said it wouldnt be enough....

If you want to read the passworded version, think about whats most related to this entry, and write it in. Should be the first thing you think of.

But even G says that it will really really hurt them. Really? but its only my thoughts... they think differently to me... they might not find it painful at all?

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

Comment! (1) | Recommend!