again im here writing a blog entry.

I'm not setting this to private because I think for a person like me who can't say what they really feel, whoever wants to read this can read this.

crystina if you're reading you're warned, you said I wouldn't want to read your privatised blog entry, you most likely won't want to read this, or wish you hadn't afterwards but it's up to you.

It all started with this year's xia ling nin, I would have been wonderfully if everything worked out... But it hasn't.

It started with me and the twins, then I persuaded G to go, then X wanted to join as well suddenly, then I had anticipated tension. O asked if I was going, surprised that we were applying to the same thing.

And now all that is left is far fewer than what started.

I had the feeling when I read G's blog a while ago, she doesnt actually understand what I'm trying to say in a way. By letting her read my blog, and see a part of me she doesnt usually see I thought she woud understand me better and in a way see things how I see things, from a wider perspective.

Before she had read my short story, that post before, thats when I felt for certain, she didnt understand what I was tyring to say. On the phone I said that it was very "kuan rong of her" to do what she did, and not to dislike T, but it was expected, alot of people would not dislike T in her situation, but I guess she has changed. she said that her bog was wayy more "kuan rong" in a way I guess can be interpreted sarcastically, I guess her meaning of kuan rong is the fact that she's accepting things? aye. confusing.

To be honest recently Ive been quite a happy person, but this whole exacerbated drama is whats causing the negatives in my like. Actually those were bad descriptive words to use, *sighs* I mean situation? I dunno anymore, it causes the most complications.

I know in a way she must feel betrayed, hurt, when I got the confirmation email, at fist I thought she didn't get in. But the O told me that his friend who didn't get the email is still going, that gave me some hope. But it was then I realised, I have wanted to go on this trip for a long time, before G said she was going I had wanted to go. So now that she isn't going? I realised I still very much wanted to go.

At that point I remembered a conversation we had a long time ago, where I said it would really suck if one of us didn't get in. But then I had meant it would really suck, but oh well, the other who did get in should go anwyays. But she instead gave the alternative that we go crash at her for a few weeks, I hinted more of what I realy meant by saying that it would be hard to get EVERYONE to do that. but aye.... *headache*

she doesn't say much of what she feels anymore, she says she doesnt know what she feels. I think she must feel a mixture of emotions, and mixed in with that s a feeling of not wanting to tell me some of it. I understand, its alright. her decision.

When she phoned last night, and asked me why I didn't tel ehr she didn't get in, I had honestly didn't know she was certainly rejected, I had thoguht she might be the ones to get a phone call. I didn't know what to say. For a while now I feel like I keep filling in the blanks during our phone calls, it all gets so tiresome... I have to think and say and make the phone call animated. In a way I feel even when she is the one to call me first that in this conversation im fightng a losing battle. A battle where I can't see where I'm going or I'm blind folded, I can only trust my instincts but its getting harder and harder.

I gave her the option, she said she wanted to let me go. I didn't make a decision. she made it. I fought to make sure we didn;t drift anymore, I dont want to end up as strangers. But its hard. and when it gets hard I'm replaced my slight feeling of annoyance. feelings of "screw that" why do I keep trying?

I just want to be friends who can be happy with and for each other. is it that hard?

But I felt that it was also selfish of me, this trip which we both wanted to go on, I got in she didnt, yet I still want to go. I know if it was the opposite way I would be very jealous, but I feel that I would still tell her to go on it, because its a great opportunity and it wasn't her fault but mine. I usually tell myself this anwyays so it isn't that different, if I fail at soemthing, even if it was a group effort, if I did that little bit better maybe it would have been okay. Some poeple like to blame others, I'm not one of them, or I try not to be, I blame myself. Like in a badminton match a while ago, my partner is... alright, she's okay in badminton.

We lost the match. I knew it. But I had been tired then, I was pushed to the back to take mostof the hots, because she's much better if the front than she is at the back, and she came infront of me and took quite a few of my front shots which I was in a very good position to get. Aye, we lost. even though if my partner coud have done better, I say I shoud have realised sooner her potential, and not have tried to play sides, and had just taken back. In all honesty in not that great a back player, especially since she's quite a lot taller than me, playing back makes me feel in an awkward position. But I could ahve done better, I could ahve pushed more shot to the back, I knew that im a much stronger back player than the two we were up against, they were both much more front players. yet I couldn't push enough back far enough,a s soon as I pushed a back shot, they'd just drop shot, and aim at my partner, and then once we lose our advnatge theyd lift back again, making me have to hit a far back which is their weakness. But if my smashes were better, the match could hve been finished and won alot quicker.

She's hurt and I know, but I dunno what to do to help. she asked me to go to Xi An with her, I accepted, though she says its not needed anymore since im active on the new facebook group? but the thing is what I want to hea is that: "Its okay, i understand how much you want to go, so go!" but for some reason what comes back is a feeling that I have betrayed her, like Ive done soemthing back by posting on that group. When I said Imight go on the Xi An one didn't mean certainly I'd give up all ideas on this one, and nothing was even finalised. how was I meant to know if we were going or not, G ahd given me no informatio. By aye.. my fault i guess I need to deal with it. If I hadn't accepted going to Xi An in the beginning none of this would have happened, or if i never brought up the prospect that one of us might not get in.

sad isnt it.

biology preliminary experiment for c/w tomorrow, chem test tomorrow.
aye.

i know how you feel about wanting to just give up. really grateful that you havent given up on me yet. i know i'm a really selfish person, i cant help it, so i'm trying to change but it's not really working.
i'm only selfish when it comes to thinks i really xiang de dao. i was almost in tears yday when i was told i wasnt one of the ones to be definitely accepted, i guess i didnt realise what you were trying to say before.

see, this is why i'm distancing myself. i know that if i'm not hurt, the other person will be, if not, both will be.

every time i talk to you i'm always almost close to tears or actually crying, because so much has changed between us, and i just dont know what to say to you either. i dont know what to talk about to you, and i feel like i've almost given up to an extent.

ani, you are a very, very important person to me. i didnt want to lose you but i think i have. by not wanting to lose you, i distanced myself from you and i guess i have lost you now. i dont know if we'll ever get back our friendship like it was before; i dont think we will, but just so you know, i've been more talkative to you than most people these days.

i keep to myself so much these days. if i talk to someone its either about them or about work.

you still know me well =]
i dont wish i hadnt read this entry. it wasnt as bad as i thought it'd be; thanks for telling me how you felt, i guess i couldnt pick up hints because i was blinded by my own selfish wants, and i guess i'm just that sort of person. i'm trying to change, hopefully it'll work.

i will genuinely tell you to go and enjoy yourself sooner or later, but right now, i'm hell disappointed; let me get over it first. i'll be a week, then, i'll have thought it over, and it'll be fine.

a week.

promise =]

L8r,

—×Kuri×—
» Kuri on 2007-05-07 05:54:09

Well Kuri summed it up well
» catatonicloki on 2007-05-07 07:25:42

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