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I wish I were employed. I really do. Or in school full-time instead of Part-time. That will change next semester, but for now, that leaves me a lot of free time to sit here and think about Ed. Which also means, I have plenty of time to sit here and worry about whether or not he's okay, and if he will call today. Last I heard from the troops over there, they were in the middle of a blackout period. I don't know exactly what that means, but it sounds as though they are cutoff from calling and emailing their loved ones back home. Well, if they're in the middle of a blackout, how come his friend can log in to her MySpace everyday? I'm just frustrated by that. Couldn't she just leave a quick comment to tell me he's okay? I know it might seem like a lot to ask of her, and maybe it is. She's busy too, and has to let her own family and friends know she's ok. But still. I'm a worrier, I come up with the worst possible scenarios and actually convince myself, sometimes, that they're going to come true in the next few days. You know how they say bad things come in threes? I've kinda already had two, I really hope that saying isn't true. He hasn't logged in since the 21st, and his sister didn't log in between the 22nd and the 26th. I noticed this and immediately played out a horrible fantasy that they'd gotten word of his death and the news had yet to reach me. I was planning on going over there yesterday, but I got no answer when I phoned them. I emailed his sister to let her know I wanted to come over, and since I wasn't able to yesterday, I'm going to try and visit tomorrow. She logged on to read that email..so maybe there is hope?
I made a promise before he left that I would move on if anything should happen to him. I don't know if I can keep it. He is my whole world; I can't imagine my future without him. But you know, I have these two voices in my head. One keeps telling me that all hope is gone, and that he's not going to come home. While thee other voice tells me to keep praying, and just to have faith. (I know whose voices they are too--Satan and Jesus.) I'm clinging to Him more now than I ever have.
Speaking of which, my church is having some sort of Unhalloween event on Sunday afternoon. I'm really looking forward to it, for the simple fact of having something to do. Well, besides schoolwork, which is getting really behind. I've only been going the church for a few months, and their previous 'events' have been a lot of fun, so I'm hoping this will just be another fun activity I can participate in. I know my the time Ed returns, I'll have or be in the process of leaving the Student Service and attending the Adult Service. You know what though? I really wish there was College Student Service. We're not really in our teens anymore, but we're not really adults either. We're close to being adults, yes, but we're still inbetween the two and there is no church service for those of us that are inbetween those age groups. I guess I'm lucky because my church doesn't really kick us out at any particular age, but they do encourage us to explore the more adult side of things. (Not that I'm complaining too much, but wouldn't this be a big reason why Christians stop going to church when they get to be college-age?)
Ed, to me, is a man. He takes responsibility for everything he does, good or bad, and accepts that life isn't always going to give you what you want. I don't know of anybody else our age that does that. I know who guys will take responsibility for something that's going to give them some sort of priveledge, like a promotion at work. But those same guys will blame others for their actions when they feel they're going to be in big trouble with their girlfriends, parents, teachers, whoever. And I can't believe that this man is mine. He makes me happier than almost anything else in my life (I say almost, cause I gotta give that #1 spot to God..), and I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell him just how happy he makes me, and how proud I am of him because there are no words to describe how happy and proud of him I am.
Maybe I am bragging about him a lot right now in here, but I don't care. I feel like I bragging about sweet he is. You know, the very first time I saw him, I knew there was something different. At the time, I guess I didn't really connect it with love, but looking back on it, I'd have to say that's what it was. I knew he was going to be in my life for a long while, hopefully forever. (And a day.--Inside joke of ours.) I remember the day after we first became girlfriend and boyfriend, officially. He brought me a rose just because he could. All of the other girls in my class were so jealous. And I loved it! I still love when he does things like that, which I guess is more often than most other boyfriends. He's bought me a couple of Teddy Bears, a ring, and a blanket in the time that we've been together, which is close to three years. Yes, we have had our ups and downs, but what couple hasn't? God, I can't wait to be close to him again. I can't to hold him in my arms and comfort him and just watch him sleep. I miss watching him sleep. And I miss cuddling with him, and sort of playing house when I visited him in Texas. I can't wait to do that again, except next time it'll be the real thing.
I'm going to end this entry here, cause I can't think of what else I had planned on writing...

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Wow. I haven't blogged on here in almost two weeks. Sorry, I've been busy trying to catch up on schoolwork (unsuccessfully). And I've got a major paper due tonight that I am having a really hard time finishing. Can you start a paragraph with the word 'Which', or is that bad grammar??
I actually don't care. I probably should, but I don't. My grandma passed away the other night on Saturday and I can't stop think about her. Mostly about how she's not going to be at my wedding, which is something I really wanted. Yeah, she'll be there in spirit. But it's not the same. I can't even imagine my wedding day anymore, even though I still want to get married. I don't know. I just feel like I've lost control over everything. Emily wants me to use fake flowers at my wedding; I think fake flowers are ugly. She wants me to get my hair done by someone she knows cause it'll be free; I don't care about the money when it comes to my hair, I want to be able to trust the person doing my hair. I can't trust someone I don't know; Cindy, the girls who's been cutting my hair since I was nine will be doing my hair. I don't want the same photographer that Eric and Xiomara had at their wedding; I know plenty of photographer who can take way better pics. My dress? It's going to look good. Trust me. Just stop telling me how to plan my own wedding! It's my wedding, what I want I'm gonna get. Well, as long as Ed's okay with the decisions. It is his wedding too, isn't it?
Which reminds me, I finally got an address to mail him care packages and things! As soon as UPS drops off my MilKit...it's been 10 days; you said 7-10 days for delivery. I'm gonna complain if it's not delivered today. Actually, I shouldn't count the weekends, but still. He mailed me something within the last month (don't know what..and he won't tell..), I want to mail him something too! Aye.
I'm gonna go try and finish my paper now..wish me luck! (I need an 'A' in this course!)

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I want to scream. I'm having major cramps, I miss my fiance terribly, and I'm having the most difficult time getting my assignments done for class. I just don't want to do them. (It's really only one half-finished assignment and discussion postings...and the postings are what I'm really trying to avoid for as long as possible.) The time monitor/plan? Forget the plan--I was too inconsistent with whatever I was doing once Ed left. Though I would like to see if I could actually follow a schedule, even for a day. I don't know if I should turn the assignment in for partial credit or try and email my professor and explain the situation or what. Aye. At least I have a little over twelve hours to decide still. Though she'll probably mention it in the mandatory chat tonight..

Jay wanted to see my left hand at church yesterday..to find out if I was lying about being engaged? I dunno, but my ring is not actually an engagement ring...even though I AM engaged. The ring I'm wearing right now is a promise ring Ed gave me when he first left for bootcamp. I'm not sure how badly I really want or need an engagement ring. Doesn't a wedding band mean something more? I'd rather a wedding band than an engagement ring to only be worn for a few months..

During service, Pastor Karl mention the Army and the war in Iraq. Nothing specifically about it, but about the training the Army provides you before sending you off to war. I just got a day off from my incessant worrying, and he brought it back. Thanx, Karl. Anyway, something he said got me to thinking. About a really big decision I've been struggling with for years..I want to talk to Ed about it when he comes back though before I say what it is. I've been able to push the issue under the surface for quite awhile, but Karl said something (don't remember exactly what) that brought it right back to surface. I was so happy just avoiding it! Wow. Karl brought up two issues for me. Thanx again, Karl..grr.

Emily has decided to have me come over to her house every Thursday. (I agreed, so I can't really complain, but she's not my favorite person in the world.) I'm hoping it gets us a better relationship before I marry Ed. (For those that don't know, Emily is Ed's mom. I'm not comfortable calling her my mom though. Even if she is going to be my mother in law..) I love his sister's though; Elisa is soo cute! And Erica's cool. I dunno about Elexis though, she's kinda quiet really. At least, it seems that way around me. I don't really know Eric and Xiomara though, and they don't live here (at least, I don't think they do) so I can't say anything about them. I met them only twice before...

Everyone, please keep praying for Ed and everyone else in his unit that's over in Kuwait right now. Please. I need him to come home; I don't know if I could handle him not coming home and I really don't want to find out for sure. Just pray for him, ok? That's all I want from you guys right now. Just to pray for him and all of the soldiers fighting for our freedom overseas.

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Yeah. The title pretty much sums it up. I haven't been able to do much beyond eating, sleeping, and crying. Edward left for Iraq last Sunday. All I dream about now is him returning, safe and sound, for a huge hug and kiss from me. I miss him so much. I'm trying to keep busy by playing Tetris and working on my schoolwork (Tetris is working a heck of a lot better), but it only works for a lil while before I break down again. I don't know what I'd do if he didn't come home. We have to get married, we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together. I can't do that by myself. And I don't want to go to a funeral in the next year or so. The only funeral of his I'll go to is the one where he's died of natural causes, and not because some guy shot him. Please pray that he stays safe. Please. I need him to stay safe.

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I think my fiance, Edward is a little made at me. I don't really understand why though. His mom stopped by yesterday, and apparently she felt I was a little rude when she came over. I wasn't trying to be rude, but whatever. Whenever he tells me what they've told him about me, it sounds like they don't like me. And he likes to tell me that isn't true, but I still feel like his mom hates me. His dad is cool. I'm totally calm and relaxed around his dad, I could chill with him. But his mom makes me soo nervous! Ugh.
He has a really close knit family. I don't. So whenever I'm around his family, I get nervous. I don't know how to be close with a family I don't fully know when I have a hard time getting close to my own family--except for my mom. There are so many things I could have talked to his mom about yesterday--the wedding plans, how my schoolwork was coming, how excited I am to see Edward this weekend ,etc. But I got so nervous that I couldn't remember any of those things. And now Ed won't even talk to me! (He keeps making excuses to get off the phone, and says we'll talk when I get there.) Ugh. This is so frustrating. I don't even know what I how to rant about it in my blog; it's so complicated and confusing.
I want his family to love me. Heck, I just want them to like me for me. His mom seems to have the biggest issues with me, yet she constantly tells me how she wants me to marry Edward. Hello? Confusion, anyone? Gotta love family issues with the future in-laws..
Hopefully we'll get this all straightened out before he leaves for Iraq.

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