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Barren Illusion
"If the day and the night are such that you greet them with joy, and life emits a fragrance like flowers and sweet-scented herbs, is more elastic, more starry, more immortal- that is your success. All nature is your congratulation, and you have cause momentarily to bless yourself. The greatest gains and values are farthest from being appreciated. We easily come to doubt if they exist. We soon forget them. They are the highest reality. Perhaps the facts most astounding and most real are never communicated by man to man. The true harvest of my daily life is somewhat as intangible and indescribable as the tints of morning or evening. It is a little star-dust caught, a segment of the rainbow which I have clutched." - Henry David Thoreau
FEED MEH!
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I'm So Happy I Could Barf
domingo, 21 de diciembre, 2003
Let's start with a "quote":

"I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, 'Stop! Don't do it!' 'Why shouldn't I?' he said. I said, 'Well, there's so much to live for!' He said, 'Like what?' I said, 'Well...are you religious or atheist?' He said, 'Religious.' I said, 'Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?' He said, 'Christian.' I said, 'Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?' He said, 'Protestant.' I said, 'Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?' He said, 'Baptist!' I said, 'Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?' He said, 'Baptist Church of God!' I said, 'Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?' He said, 'Reformed Baptist Church of God!' I said, 'Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?' He said, 'Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!' I said, 'Die, heretic scum,' and pushed him off." - Emo Philips

[Dang... I heard this four years ago... I'm so old...]

Eeee!! I'm so glad it's finally break. I can see all the friends that I want to see in person. I actually feel happy (a rarity). Now I feel anticipation... now depression, because before I know it, vacation will be over. ::sigh:: My happiness doesn't even last 5 seconds. What's most likely coming up: Queens, a theatrical movie, some DVD movies, New Jersey, Alexander Hamilton's grave, and some general hanging out. More later? The world may never know...

I'm quite secular (yet I was more religious now than a few years ago...), but some of my most favorite songs are Christmas songs...

Merry early Christmas.
20:45

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Chlamydia is not a flower
jueves, 12 de octubre, 2006
Safe Sex Options

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe":

- Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.

- Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.

- Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm."

- Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.

- Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use.

- When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance.

- Before fellating anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"

- Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape.

- You CAN get it from kissing -- tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact.

- To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.

- If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out beforehand to hope for the best.
22:31

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Liars
martes, 20 de abril, 2004
Amazon.com lies! I used Super Saver and got free shipping, and they said it would come within 5-9 days. It came within THREE DAYS! LIES! So gooo Amazon.com! It was my first time ordering, too. It really rocks. I love these liars.
Desert Island Threesomes

On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman

2 American men and 1 American woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these same absolutely, stunningly beautiful desert (and deserted) islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman

The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The 2 Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming...

The 2 Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The 2 Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant, and a laundromat. And have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for the store.

The 2 American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palmtrees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is improving, and at least the taxes are low, and it isn't raining....

The 2 Irish men have divided the Island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they are satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
20:46

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Obviously a guy wrote this
martes, 4 de julio, 2006
If College-Themed Porn Were Real

Situation One: The Naughty Student
Cindi, an attractive student with a large rack, walks up to the desk of her professor.
Porn
Cindi: Is there anything I can do to raise this grade?
Professor: Some students do extra credit work.
Cindi: (has sex with him)
Reality
Cindi: Is there anything I can do to raise this grade?
Professor: Some students do extra credit work.
Cindi: Like what?
Professor: A seven-to ten-page report about the economic principles behind trade rules in a Micronesian country of your choosing.
Cindi: Oh. That makes sense and is an appropriate extra credit assignment for the course.

Situation Two: The Hot Teacher
Paul, a student in his late twenties, walks up to the desk of his teacher, Professor Mandy, who has enormous breasts.
Porn
Paul: You wanted to see me after class, professor?
Professor Mandy: Yes. I need to test your performance.
Paul: How?
Professor Mandy: (fellates Paul)
Reality
Paul: You wanted to see me after class, professor?
Professor Mandy: Yes. I need to test your performance.
Paul: How?
Professor Mandy: A series of tests based on the material covered in this course.
Paul: Could I just have sex with you instead?
Professor Mandy: (sues Paul)

Situation Three: The Sorority
Between two and a half-dozen attractive coeds sit on a large bed, in nighties which barely contain their ample bosoms.
Porn
Head Sorority Girl: Let's have a naked pillowfight!
Assistant Head Sorority Girl: And practice kissing!
Sorority Girls: (begin doing those things)
Reality
I kind of assume this is what actually happens in sororities.

Situation Four: The Curious Freshman
A very attractive freshman girl named Candi sits on a bed with her boyfriend, Brett. Did I mention that Candi has boobs the size of overripe grapefruit? She does.
Porn
Brett: Let's try anal sex.
Candi: Okay.
Reality
Brett: Let's try anal sex.
Candi: No.

Situation Five: The Janitor
A strangely-muscular janitor knocks on the door of Bambi, a girl whose low-cut shirt reveals a veritable explosion of cleavage.
Porn
Janitor: Do those pipes need cleaning?
Bambi: (apparently this is all the pillow talk she needs to have all kinds of sex with him)
Reality
Janitor: Perhaps I should have stayed in school.
Bambi: I can see how you could be disappointed with your station in life.

Happy Independence Day!
21:38

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Groan!
miércoles, 4 de enero, 2006
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

There is nothing on and I'm semi-watching One Tree Hill. I had vowed to myself I would never watch it, but maybe I was being unfair? After all I had only seen seconds of it here and there. I thought, it might not make me want to rip my eyeballs out. So, I'm gonna kill myself now.
20:46

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The river's gonna getcha
domingo, 26 de marzo, 2006
From Phillip M Harter, MD, Stanford University, School of Medicine:

"If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, here's what you would have:

57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere (both north and south)
8 Africans
52 would be female
48 would be male
70 would be non-white
30 would be white
70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian
89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual
6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth, and all 6 would be from the United States.
80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth
1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
1 would own a computer."

If there is a Phillip M Harter, MD of Stanford University, School of Medicine, he's forgetting the people's ages.
13:33

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I scare myself
domingo, 28 de mayo, 2006
I was on the bus yesterday afternoon complaining to my friend about the impending Brangina baby, that I hope she frickin' gives birth soon because I'm sick of all the stupid news. Then she goes and gives birth on the same day. Derr.
*
"Years ago, CBS had a popular little series called GILLIGAN'S ISLAND.

"There is, however, a dark secret about this "comedy" you may never have realized.

"The island is a direct representation of hell. Nobody on the island wants to be there, yet none are able to leave.

"Each one of the characters represents one of the 7 deadly sins:

"Ginger represents LUST - she wears skimpy outfits, is obsessed with her looks, and is a borderline nymphomaniac.

"Mary Ann represents ENVY - she is jealous of Ginger's beauty.

"The Professor represents PRIDE - he is an annoying know-it-all.

"Mr. Howell represents GREED - no explanation needed.

"Mrs. Howell represents SLOTH - she has never lifted a finger to help on any of their escape plans.

"The Skipper represents two sins: GLUTTONY - again, no explanation needed and ANGER - he violently hits Gilligan on each show.

"This leaves Gilligan.

"Gilligan is the person who keeps them there. He prevents them from leaving by foiling all of their escape plots.

"Also, it is HIS island. Therefore, Gilligan is SATAN.

"Crazy?

"He does wear red in every episode..."
02:20

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
sábado, 17 de febrero, 2007
I remember, like, nine years ago when half of these answers didn't exist... so old am I... ;_;

Answers

Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads. This brought such occurrences into being.

John Locke: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.

Albert Camus: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.

The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy.

Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads.

Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Immanuel Kant: The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective): I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom.

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.

M.C.Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.

George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.

Plato: For the greater good.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Skinner: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet.

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes the chicken crossed the road, but why he crossed, I've not been told!

OJ Simpson: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
23:55

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