Gawker.com's 123 to Love New York Right Now
. Because we scorn the fat.
. Because we can drink until 4 AM.
. Because we have our drugs delivered to our doors.
. Because all we have to do is walk down the street in order to be propositioned for sex.
. Because we get to push tourists if were late for work.
. Because we only pretend to recycle.
. Because Tompkins Square park is still friendly to junkies.
. Because whether you make $50k or $200k, youre still middle class.
. Because fuck is intrinsic to our local dialect.
. Because there's a Starbucks on every block.
. Because you can get anything you want on Craigslist.
. Because Anderson Cooper.
. Because our restaurants are so cramped, we can hear if our neighbor is being an asshole.
. Because you can live in the same place for 10 years and never have to see or meet your neighbors.
. Because a pink paper like the New York Observer can survive.
. Because assistants.
. Because everyone's Gay.
. Because we can make someone like Blackface Jesus into a celebrity.
. Because sometimes it smells like maple syrup.
. Because theres always a secret room behind the VIP room.
. Because we can get fake TiVo for $9.95/mo.
. Because our tabloids are considered newspapers.
. Because the transit strike keeps us from really working.
. Because Jocelyn Wildenstein exists.
. Because you can go to the East Village Baths and not get raped.
. Because David Cross imposters live here.
. Because Brooklyn is for domesticating.
. Because i-bankers and hipsters can peacefully coexist.
. Because theres always a free drink available somewhere.
. Because we know Sex and the City is a crock of shit.
. Because we know Friends is a crock of shit.
. Because it only takes $30 million to launch and burn a magazine.
. Because we think Vitamin Water is a real beverage.
. Because we never have to shovel snow (unless its coke).
. Because we all know were actually better than Tinsley Mortimer.
. Because road trip just means Ikea.
. Because even Lenny Kravitz's toilet gets clogged.
. Because smoking is banned.
. Because we only have one mall, and its not any good anyhow.
. Because people read.
. Because we invented PNP.
. Because words like Otto Tootsie Plohound make sense to us.
. Because we eat McDonalds ironically.
. Because ANYONE can lie to Page Six.
. Because Jews.
. Because you can take a dump at the Apple Store.
. Because you can buy anything, even a stolen baby.
. Because mani/pedis are affordable.
. Because George Whipple.
. Because our public opinion can turn on a dime.
. Because real estate is a professional sport.
. Because only black is the new black.
. Because its acceptable to Shoot the Freak.
. Because our pigeons have rabies.
. Because Conde Nasties dont threaten our food supply.
. Because anyone can get into Soho House and see that its nothing.
. Because everyones got a blog.
. Because Paris Hilton moved to Los Angeles.
. Because Bloomberg has that adorable bald spot.
. Because its easy to stalk famous people.
. Because everyone you know has slept with one another.
. Because Woody Allen is allowed.
. Because Fresh Direct has every single products nutritional info on its website.
. Because Peter Braunstein stabbed himself in the neck.
. Because we have a looser definition of substance abuse.
. Because everyone has a cat or a book deal.
. Because you only need a Village Voice to get a chick with a dick.
. Because anybody can be a DJ.
. Because even if you can only play Wish You Were Here on the guitar, you can make a few bucks at a subway station.
. Because Robin Byrd.
. Because everybody knows the 1-800-Mattress song.
. Because sometimes its just fun to give tourists wrong directions.
. Because you can buy live jellyfish from a wooden box in Chinatown.
. Because your parents love to come visit and pay for dinner.
. Because your parents don't love to come visit.
. Because you can walk down the street and fart and nobody will notice.
. Because if you want a cat, you can walk into any deli and just steal one.
. Because you can do your Sunday morning walk of shame undetected.
. Because Teen Vogue is only $1.99.
. Because fifth-floor walk-up apartments are great for the glutes.
. Because nobody uses condoms anymore.
. Because Dr. Zizmor is a celebrity.
. Because you can drop a penny in an empty water jug and make some dude's day.
. Because everyone looks like shit in the morning.
. Because there's such a thing as $300 sushi.
. Because you can be a gay man and reasonably keep both a wife and a boyfriend.
. Because bagels.
. Because there's just enough Brits around to keep us speaking proper English.
. Because we worship high fashion in collapsible tents.
. Because vegetarians keep to themselves.
. Because our knock-offs are often better than the real thing.
. Because theres always someone naked in Times Square.
. Because the New York Press is still trying.
. Because your cab driver is probably more interesting than you are.
. Because you can get mustard on everything.
. Because its perfectly fine to answer your phone mid-sentence.
. Because H&M: Our Gap is Eurotrash on purpose.
. Because we dont stand in line, we stand on it.
. Because we tolerate the New York Sun.
. Because gift bags.
. Because you can ride the Staten Island ferry all day at only the cost of your stomach.
. Because summer really does make sense as a verb.
. Because we know what new bar smell is, but not new car smell.
. Because 666-6666 has nothing to do with Satan. Technically.
. Because even your intern has an intern.
. Because only old people have land lines.
. Because parts of Central Park still smell like a poopy country farmyard.
. Because you can make a career out of being Amanda Lepore.
. Because everyone drinks at brunch.
. Because our tap water won't kill you.
. Because it's easy to steal wi-fi.
. Because as much as you hate it, Rockefeller Center is still kind of neat.
. Because city kids have been there and done that before you even got here.
. Because everyone's painfully human, even the staff of the New York Times.
. Because used clothes cost more than new ones.
. Because we'd rather be emaciated than healthy.
. Because in one morning, you can look like a jackass in the background of four different morning shows.
. Because its perfectly acceptable to give the finger to anyone at any time.
. Because the smell is concentrated in Chinatown.
. Because doing your own laundry is for rich suckers.
. Because you can buy Vagisil at the bodega at 4 AM.
. Because we keep Jersey at arms length.
. Because we gave silly Adam Moss a job.
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I like 24. I haven't seen all the episodes, but it's pretty easy to get into it even if I start watching in the middle of an episode. I know the gist of what happened each season. Why am I so excited for this particular day, though?? Return of Elisha Cuthbert? Re-emergence of C. Thomas Howell
??? Kiefer-love reaching uncharted territory????
As for the first half of the "premiere event":
Oh. No. They. Didn't.
Top Thirty Jack Bauer Facts
. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
. Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man. *dies of laughter*
. Children don't believe in Santa anymore because they know Jack Bauer killed him. The few people that believe in Santa know that Jack Bauer is torturing him.
. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
. Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar...you don't wanna know...
. Jack Bauer's gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack fucking Bauer.
. Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
. If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you... well amigo, you're fucked.
. If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.
. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
. Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.
. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
. Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
. While being â€˜put underâ€™ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.
. David Spade always says 'yes' to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.
. If Jack Bauer had been on Oceanic 815 there would no Lost.
. Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
. Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to.
. Everytime Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
. As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"
. Jack Bauer can sneeze with his eyes open.
. Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
. Jack Bauer shouldn't be compared to Jesus. Jack rose from the dead not once, but twice.
. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
. Jack Bauer hates casual conversation. He prefers bullets.
. Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
Comment! (6) | Recommend! (2) | Categories: 24 [t], television [t], list [t], celebrities [t]
E-mails can still be funny...
I find your lack of pants disturbing.
You are unwise to lower your pants.
Chewie and me got into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
Phew! And I thought pants smelled bad... on ... the outside...!
The Force is strong in my pants.
Your pants, you will not need them.
You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.
I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
In his pants you will find a new definition of pain and suffering.
Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's pants.
I think you just can't bear to let a gorgeous guy like me out of your pants.
Pull up! All pants pull up!
I've just made a deal that will keep the Empire out of our pants forever.
A disturbance in the pants. The last time I felt it...
Alderan is peaceful, we have no pants!
I sense the conflict within you. Let go of your pants!
These aren't the pants you're looking for.
That blast came from the pants! That thing's operational!
He has no time for smugglers who drop their pants first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
The pants will be down in moments, Lord Vader, you may start your landing.
Looks like someone's beginning to take an interest in your pants.
Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.
Your pants can deceive you, don't trust them.
I want them alive. No pants.
Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your pants.
I am altering the pants. Pray that I don't alter them any further.
Away with your pants, I mean you no harm!
Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
The Pants are what gives a Jedi his power.
"Don't do that, my pants are dirty."
"My pants are dirty, too."
Luke, help me take these pants off.
I'm taking Captain Solo ... and his pants
Search your pants, you know it to be true.
Han'll have those pants down - we've gotta give him more time!
Look at the size of those pants!
We've got to get a reading on those pants, Up or Down.
You are part of the rebel alliance, and a traitor. Take her pants!
General Tarkin, I thought I recognized your foul pants...
I'm not in this for your revolution, I'm in it for the pants.
There's no mystical energy field that controls my pants.
Tell that to Jabba. If you're lucky he might only take your pants.
The emperor asks the impossible. I need more pants.
The pants can have a strong influence on the weak minded.
Will somebody please get this walking carpet out of my pants!
Curse my metal pants.
I only hope that when the pants are analyzed a weakness can be found.
Judge me by my pants, do you?
Search your pants, Luke. You know it's true.
So long ago, when all we had was our love. No politics, no plotting, no pants.
Your father wanted you to have pants when you were old enough.
He is most displeased with your apparent lack of pants.
I don't think the Empire had Wookiees in mind when they designed pants.
It appears you are to be the main course at a banquet in my pants.
You can waste time with your pants when your chores are done.
I seek an audience with your greatness to bargain for Solo's pants.
Jabba, please take these pants as a token of friendship.
I happen to like nice pants.
Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found those pants!
I felt a great disturbance in the Pants.
Yeah, well droids aren't known for ripping pants off when they lose!
Don't try to frighten us with your sorcererâ€™s pants, Lord Vader.
Though I never thought I would be smuggling pants.
Take care of your pants, Han. I guess that's what you're best at, isn't it.
Slimy? My pants this is.
Rear pants down... Argh!!!
Remember your failure in the pants.
See through pants, we can.
Great pants, kid! Don't get cocky!
Be mindful of your pants Anakin. They'll betray you.
Have you been in many pants?
I used to bulls-eye womp rats in my pants back home.
In my experience, there is no such thing as pants.
Only now...in my pants...do you understand.
Put Captain Solo in the cargo pants.
We have no choice, our pants can't repel firepower of that magnitude.
Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your pants.
The more you tighten your pants, the more star systems will slip through...
The pants are down! Commence attack on the Death Star's main reactor.
Yahoo! You're all clear kid. Now let's blow these pants and go home!
Pants, Luke, Pants!
Evacuate?! In our pants of triumph?
"You know of the rebellion?"
"That's how we came to be in your pants, sir."
Ten thousand!?! We can almost buy our own pants for that!
A tremor in the Pants. The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old
At last, we will have our pants.
Commander, tear these pants apart until you've found those plans.
Leia: I love pants.
Han: I know.
No I don't think he likes pants at all. No I don't like pants either.
Search your pants Luke.
This little one's not worth the effort. Come, let me get you some pants.
Your pants can deceive you, Luke.
Chewie, pants won't help me!
You have paid the price for your lack of pants!
I sense a great disturbance in the pants.
I've got a bad feeling in my pants about this.
No more pants. I'm not going that way.
She must have hidden the pants in the escape pod.
That's funny... the pants don't look as bad from out here.
The pants go off in this direction.
It's against my programming to wear pants.
Yeah, I just got a funny feeling. Like I'm never gonna see my pants again.
You have taken your first step into larger pants.
Comment! (4) | Recommend! (3) | Categories: star wars [t], lists [t], humor [t]