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Man Morality is Pointless
Monday. 12.13.04 8:08 pm
I think that it is finally time that my brain lets up and explodes. This whole exam thing is stressing me out. No not really, it’s half of my stress. First of all I do not like drama, second of all I nurture and create it. Fuck my self. Fuck the world. No, I take that back. Tisn’t the world that functions illy, tis the people and society that reside within it. Fuck. Time to take a deep breath, breathe in the peppermint, feel the warmth of the tea and let life be life. This is gay. I just need to relax. I’ve been bundeled up in a ball and need to strech out. This is a nasty game to play. Keeping all options open. Nasty Priscilla, Nasty. I am not the nicest person. Far from the nicest person. Oh well.

He’s cute. Has the definite potential to be hurt by none other them the Infamous P. Wan. Hah. But still, he is cute. No, he’s just an outlet. You know that he’s an escape from the hilarity, the insanity of the other one. You know that you really like him, but you can’t have him, and you can’t stand her. Yeah, you know. I’m tired of playing mouse games. Time for the trap. No, there are nasty things I call morals that unfortunately reside deep within my frame. Sitting all the while, bubbling and boiling in their tense broth of worry and guilt. Baring forth the fruits of my ethical morality. Fuck. Why are we as humans moral? Why do we exist to leash our selves from the ecstasy of true Epicureanism? In small bits and pieces do we release our souls to the feeling of true feeling, only to scorn and burn what we have felt under claims of morality and religion. Why do we follow the book that has condemned so many to dea th, and countless more to lives of pain and prosecution? Why have we filled our minds by means of education with restrictions instead of fantasy and imagination? We claim there is an innate inability for man to exist within utopia, yet hold our selves back when it comes to fulfilling our wants and desires. Maybe it’s this morality that inhibits our ability for create the experiencable utopia. Say to your self the next time you stop doing what ever it may be in which you are doing, am I doing this because of morality? And if I am, why do it? Why stop one’s desires due to codes when we write the codes, we make the rules, we are the world.

Time then. Isn’t it? Fuck her feelings, fuck it all. Lets wonder are these morals of mine really worth living up to? All I’ll do is open my mouth, tell the truth, and let life choose its course.

He has to decide. All I’ll do is put forth the option.

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Thursday. 12.9.04 9:16 pm
JESS!! 730 my school not 745, i have to be at school by 8 so 730

PLEASE READ THIS!! friday ok?

teacher changed plans yada yada

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Welcome Oblivion
Monday. 12.6.04 9:53 pm
Yeah, it’s all turning back and forth. I don’t know. There are swings that swing, and pendulums that run. I know. I’m treading on very thin ice with these emotions of mine. I’m treading on ice that can break any moment from now, and then again I wouldn’t mind them breaking. I wouldn’t mind shattering this world and making a new one. One where its ok to laugh together, its ok to touch one another, and its ok. But that’s another world out there, and the world I’m living in is a glass house, I should stop throwing rocks shouldn’t I? I’m causing trouble. I’m not even making it subtle. Dude, I tried. But then again, I no effort was set forth. Sigh.

Yeah, one I know will say “just do it man, break the damn glass, and go for it” but then again, shattering the glass would open up the plane, making it oh so open, but then again, if you tread upon it, it will cut and stain you. Where will you go then? Someone’s going to bleed, and I don’t know who. Fuck. There are things that work out so well, but then again in lifes cruel laugh, never really work do they? Fuck passivity, fuck laying down, fuck never making the move.

Yeah, but that’s breaking the glass.

He has to do it. I can’t. But then again, passivity is nice. Complacency a place. And the world a dark and scary world. Yeah, I understand. Actually I know more then I wish to pass on. I know much more then I’m willing to admit. I also know so little I’m wallowing in ignorance. I am so naïve as to believe. Yeah, fuck off Priscilla, you are worthless in believing so. Yeah. I know…

Hamlet calls and my brain ceases to exist. Welcome oblivion.

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shallow and ephemeral
Wednesday. 12.1.04 9:17 pm
Boys. hah. Yeah, i've got a new one to play with. not to play with but i got rid of the last one. Well, not got rid but at least erased those feelings. Yeah, that's not the place for me and i've decided it's cool. Eh. acutally, it just lost power, i figured why bother? it's worthless anyways. friendship is cool for me. ^_^

but i'm just having fun going through school. an insane amount of fun. There are alot of people that i can "play" with. ^_^ i'll elaborate in due time.

This kid i talk to smokes now. Don't like it. Time to phase him out if he's going to smoke. I think it's just not my style anymore and i don't want to be around it. just don't. plus, he's so much cooler w/o it. I thought i really digged him. i did, but now, that's gone. oh well. so be it. life is life.

jess, i havn't talked to you inforever. i wonder if your still alive! i can't chill now this week but i'll see when. later.

done for now.

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Monday. 11.22.04 8:01 am
Hey, tommorow at 730 can you meet me at my school? Uh, yeah. Just comment on this shin dig and yeah. Oh yeah, Nga says they're hiring. and uh... they pay 6 when training and then they up the pay according to how good you are. when you turn in your application talk to the boss guy. and nga is quiting so thats good news. ^_^


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Laughter at the Bases
Saturday. 11.20.04 7:17 pm
Moods can be perilous.

I was watching a show. It reminded me of life.

How queer.

When the music's coursing through your veins and the visions are blinding you with all their false accusations, you start to wonder why Alice decided to play in your land. It’s when the physics of the world turn into heavy metal, and metallica sings to you in strings. It’s when futures that are chronic laugh at your stupidity. It’s when the freaks own the world, and the boys just make you cry. It’s when the night envelops your laughter and his eyes bore a hole in you. It’s when you know its all a lie. Its when the violin sings and you forget where you came from, remembering only the mountains and their stoic solidity. It’s something funny and odd when the dust is whipping about and the crimson man decides to grasp you tight. Its interesting when the visions of white cars intertwined with green laugh at you screaming "SHE’S TOO GREEDY!" when his kiss was a fragment of your imagination and when Carmen stood back to let others take the lead. It’s all in question, the sanity of humanity and the music, can't doth hear it? "broken and torn" what words of folly, what children dance about with mikes and emotions to spare. What a radiance. There’s five lucks, all rejuvenation able. There’s warm hearts and cold dirty deeds of bad blood. There's manipulation, there’s laughter, there’s good vibes, and catty fights. There’s deep undertones of words understood, and feelings unacted upon. Rules were set up; I’m the one to blame. Consequences heeded, again I’m going insane. Just let it come, there aren’t words to this song. Let the music dance for you. Don’t let her tell truths untrue. He's a beauty and I’m a heart, but of course we are worlds apart. Let the dreams foreshadow what the future will tell. You choose your actions and I made my bed. Lets drink from goblets made of the finest gold, trimmed with emeralds of fiery heat. Lets down the spirit, as it burns but keeps us warm. I'll keep my namesake though, I do hold true. Let the docile subservience cower in fear of my everlasting song of sharp words and tears. The thin wears out much too soon, let the frustration gather in you, soon, to your doom. I sit with my walnuts as it tells me the secrets it has of true nirvana. Go on your way, I’ll be waiting until the day; you rue my advice on that day of lost music and games to play.

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