something i should not be saying but must remember
Monday. 4.17.06 2:40 am
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l ao c ya ni d e: hey. i know it's late. and i know i shouldn't be saying this to you. but i have to. there are things on my mind and i feel as if i owe to the friendship that we held. i really let a bond be created between the two of us. and if not a bond, then i allowed my self to be more emotionally attached to you then i ever allow my self to be. but let me say this. i mourn the fact that i friendship became this. that the bond i thought we created was really something not worth perpetuating. but thank you. thank you for teaching me a vaulable lesson. and yes. i should not be telling you this. i should wait until i see you. but you are online and i have words to say that, at the moment, cannot wait. i'm sorry. i'm sorry for creating havoc in your life. i'm sorry for treating you as i have. and i'm sorry for opening up to you in the sense that i did. i was emotionally attached. and i'm sorry that you didn't feel the same way. but andrew. you are an amazing person. and stay that person. please. do. i learned so much fromm you. more then you think that you have taught me. i have to go on in a differernt direction, partially because of my choice, partially because of cohersion. but undnerstand. that you made a difference in my life. and i thank you. and am sorry. thats all. theres more i have to say to you on tuesday. but there is a great amount of gravity to what i say. ignore it, understand it, take it as you will. but yes. this is how i feel. and this may be alot for you to process but right now, i don't think i can keep silent. thats all. -pwan.
l ao c ya ni d e: don't respond. just think. ihave to go. and you. you have your own demons or problems to deal with. but... be the person i thought you were. cause that person was amazing. thats all...
how much did i cop out on that one? alot... ah. but. i can't keep it in at the moment.
stupid. horrendously stupid.... life is lilfe. and what can i do about it? nothing. absolutly nothing. tommorow morning and tuesday night i can. so until then. let it be.
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the atrocity known as my room
Tuesday. 3.14.06 5:00 pm
i'll never be a neat person. i'm a clutter person. i'm the kid with ten million posters, dirty clothes on the floor, and knick knacks every where. i'm the one with music blaring, tons of books, and a humor to go with it. there are dirty tissues everywhere. my room screams me. it is who i am. right now i am sitting in a semi clean room that is not mine. there are echos of who i am in it. but not mine yet. no where near. go to my dorm, well there you'll see a tad bit more personality. books. posters. music. life. its a good thing.
i'm having a really hard time adjusting to being home. really hard time. i'm def not going to be the kid who likes staying home. i'm not going to be able to adjust to being in the houst but you know. posters are coming. music will made. and i'm going to make it my own. i will... i def will. more books. def more books. really need a copy of days of war nights of love. need to read tha. need it in my hands. divine beauty. need to be an english major. def thinking about it. wouldn't it be nice?
yes. yes. it would.
haha got a nice little ego boost today. it was sweet. got hit on by a nice little red head kid who works at blockbuster. but i don't know. told him i live in austin and i'll be back in the summer. hopefully he'll still be there. thats all. but it mad eme think. i'm a lonely person. always have been. thus why i surround my self with people at all times. def at all times. i've always been the kid who has make out buddies. who floats from boy to boy. what ever. whenever i do have an emotional attachment, well i sabotage that like a mother. but, i'm a little insecure. more then a little. given. hence the ego. but, i guess its reassuring to know that i can develop a relationship if i want to. i can make it man. i won't be alone forever. but for now, i guess i will be. but i have been for quite a while. and thats cool. i've lived an interesting live and done interesting things. more will come...
i'm thinking slowly that living here will defintely suck. but get better over time. i'm going to hate my parents, loathe this city, and find disgust in every turn. but in due time, as always the cliche dictates, i'll get use to it. i'll find someone some friends some people to keep me happy. i'll dig what i'm doing. i'll find an outlet. most defintely i'll find and outlet.
music is coming back. always been a big music freak. it's what i dig. its cool. the guitar oh yes. going to make it back. and next, film. going to make a bunch of short films/ documentaries, stories, all sorts of things with the lil bro and sis. going to go to far out places around the city to film. it'll be alot of fun. running will be involved. alot of gross humor. alot of tragic deaaths via water fountains. it sounds like something to keep me occupies. i'm keeping this dream alive. no way am i going to allow it to die.
hell no. alll i need is a camera. but i think i can save up for it. or my parents can buy it and we will pay them back. but i'm going to get this done. a real camera. real tape. real everything. we'll write songs for it. we'll write plays. we'll do so much.
ok so what. i'm going to be a doctor. a stupid biology chemistry phsyics doctor. whatever. i hate science. i hate chemistry, i hate biology. and i most def hate physics. but that doesn't mean i can't do it. i will. but in the meanwhile. i'm going to making films, play the guitar, and make interesting friends.
see where i am in a year. i'll be lliving in the most putrid of places, suberbia but.... i'll be making art.
yes. i hope i can stay sane.... cause right now... my heart is breaking. and its taking everything in me to not cry.... let me have my distractions... please.
thats all i ask.
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Monday. 3.13.06 5:00 pm
at times we need to get a little whimsical. we need to lose a little control. sexy beasts with long brown hair, braided singing dancing over there.
hey. hey. hey.
saw ghostland at ruta maya. love them. love love them. met the vocalist/guitarist. what an amazingly sexy man. hes a really nice sweet and humble though. always glad to hear he rocks without the idiotic rock star ego. i hope he doesn't develop one and if he does, i hope he keeps it on stage. didn't meet the other one, thomas turner. he seems a little cockier so i'd like to know what he's like. this is sad. obsessing a little over a band but you know what, i do that. music is my thing. what can i say? hope hope hope i can make it to the san marcos show. want to meet doug hanshaw, the dancer/clapper from Clap!Clap! and Dj Rubix the main guy from again, Clap!Clap! they're good. not as good as say, Ghostland but very fun. dance dance insanity. its a good time to be had. thats about it. did go a little drunk, could have passed on that part. def like them better sober. but yeah.
chillin here in dallas for the moment. trying not to be bummed. having a semi decent time with the lil bro and sis. the parentals, well i'm trying to keep my distance. def don't want to "open up" as they would wish me to. find i'm coming back to dallas. fine. i'm going to utd. fine, you are cutting my legs from under me. so be it. but it comes at a price. i'm not opening up. i'm closing my self off and warding you off for the time being. if i have to box up a part of me, a rather large chunk of me. then i'm not going to be ha. ha. little miss i'm your best friend/ no, life doesn't work like that.
hello being stoic.
hello being cold.
hello the new me.
hiding the fun me for a while. at least until i find an outlet.
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Tuesday. 3.7.06 8:23 pm
this is the sick thing.
this is the world we live in.
i have yet to fully realize the magnamity of my grief. some cal it strenght, some call it cowardance, and some don't name it. theres a wall i've lived behind my whole life. theres something that i've never really broken into and i can't say "i don't know" anymore. cause i do. i know all too well. there are inconsitancies in my words. falsehoods in my actions. and neglect in my emotion.
have you ever felt so utterly alone that there was nothing but a barren space sitting in your lap. have you ever laughed so heartily that you couldn't cry. i've dried up the well. the well that every child recieves upon birth. the well of love the well of emotion. the well of humanity. i had my chance. wasted and pilfered was my choice. long ago has that essence left me and now theres a dry empty space that i fill with soil day after day. as the seconds pass as time takes it course nothing has sprung up. from time to time i find for a split second something deeper, far shawdowed that i forced my self to murder, still existing. in those brief moments i find that life is not as i have made it to be. but theres nothing now. can't dig that far. we're dying of thirst.
the only problem is that there is no we. only i.
the walls that i've spent so much time and energy maticulously constructing are coming down. by my hands and by the hands of destiny. i can't do anything but assist in the destruction while trying feebly to keep what ever reminents i can. the sad thing is that they keep slipping through my fingers the same way water slips the glossy texture of a leaf. only my leaves are dried hallowed and yellow. calloused am i. i can't mourn, i can't greive. all ihave is a face to put on a persona to keep up. i want to feel again. i want to know what its like to surrender to the light to surrender to the dark. i'm tired of being so strong. tired of trying. i don't want to die in the lie of bliss. i am not a strong person. i am not taking this well. i am not "pwan" the cool kid. i don't want it anymore. i want my chance to cry. i want my chance to sob. i want to greive...
but i can't. maybe thats what hurts the most.
so stop yelling at me. stop telling me what i'm doing, what is happening can be prevented. stop making me change. don't tell me that i need to do this and that. stop. give me my chance to cry. give me my time. be my support not my enemy. i can't change the way things are. i can't fight it. i'm condemned by my own actions. i've been chained and harbored while everything i see flies alway in the beautiful flight of freedom. do not tell me you mourn. do not tell me you cannot be happy. don't tell me i can do something about your grief. cause when have i gotten my chance? when do i get to cry?
there are people who are emotional. there are people who pick up on the fine finesses of the human psyche. then there are people like me. people who are strong. people who put away alot of who they are in order to go on in their day. i seem harsh. unexplaintory. and mean. but thats not it. i can't give you good reasons. i can't tell you this and that. cause i am barely holding up as is. i seem strong, i laugh, and i chit chat as if nothing has happened but theres i am barren. i am cold. i am callous. i do not deny my nature. i am as i have always been. i learned very early that my emotions will do me no good. there is no point in crying infront of people. there is no point in moping. i don't want your pity. but i am not as strong of a person as you think i am. cause i don't grieve. i just don't. i can't. i laugh about it. i joke about it. and i say everything is going to be alright even if it's not. cause someone needs to hold down the fort. someone needs to be the pillar of strength. but do not think that your words are not heard. i hear what you say. i hear everything.
but this is all i can do to be ok my self. i am giving my self to chains. i am holding out this pitiful arms of mine so the cold clank of iron can clench my wrists and take me away, chain by chain.i know what i am doing. i know the graveity of my actions.. i know. and don't you think i'm fucking sad? but don't tell me do not tell me all of this shit. do not tell me you cannot go on. because it is not you who walks the path of prisoner. you are free to frolic as you wish and i. i am not.
so just. let me be. let me be...
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Monday. 2.6.06 2:50 am
Tuesday. 1.17.06 12:49 pm
i've got a bad habit of allowing time to pass too quickly. lets reverberate our decisions and make some concrete conclusions.
more blurbs to come. in due time...
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