i'll never be a neat person. i'm a clutter person. i'm the kid with ten million posters, dirty clothes on the floor, and knick knacks every where. i'm the one with music blaring, tons of books, and a humor to go with it. there are dirty tissues everywhere. my room screams me. it is who i am. right now i am sitting in a semi clean room that is not mine. there are echos of who i am in it. but not mine yet. no where near. go to my dorm, well there you'll see a tad bit more personality. books. posters. music. life. its a good thing.

i'm having a really hard time adjusting to being home. really hard time. i'm def not going to be the kid who likes staying home. i'm not going to be able to adjust to being in the houst but you know. posters are coming. music will made. and i'm going to make it my own. i will... i def will. more books. def more books. really need a copy of days of war nights of love. need to read tha. need it in my hands. divine beauty. need to be an english major. def thinking about it. wouldn't it be nice?

yes. yes. it would.

haha got a nice little ego boost today. it was sweet. got hit on by a nice little red head kid who works at blockbuster. but i don't know. told him i live in austin and i'll be back in the summer. hopefully he'll still be there. thats all. but it mad eme think. i'm a lonely person. always have been. thus why i surround my self with people at all times. def at all times. i've always been the kid who has make out buddies. who floats from boy to boy. what ever. whenever i do have an emotional attachment, well i sabotage that like a mother. but, i'm a little insecure. more then a little. given. hence the ego. but, i guess its reassuring to know that i can develop a relationship if i want to. i can make it man. i won't be alone forever. but for now, i guess i will be. but i have been for quite a while. and thats cool. i've lived an interesting live and done interesting things. more will come...

i'm thinking slowly that living here will defintely suck. but get better over time. i'm going to hate my parents, loathe this city, and find disgust in every turn. but in due time, as always the cliche dictates, i'll get use to it. i'll find someone some friends some people to keep me happy. i'll dig what i'm doing. i'll find an outlet. most defintely i'll find and outlet.

music is coming back. always been a big music freak. it's what i dig. its cool. the guitar oh yes. going to make it back. and next, film. going to make a bunch of short films/ documentaries, stories, all sorts of things with the lil bro and sis. going to go to far out places around the city to film. it'll be alot of fun. running will be involved. alot of gross humor. alot of tragic deaaths via water fountains. it sounds like something to keep me occupies. i'm keeping this dream alive. no way am i going to allow it to die.

hell no. alll i need is a camera. but i think i can save up for it. or my parents can buy it and we will pay them back. but i'm going to get this done. a real camera. real tape. real everything. we'll write songs for it. we'll write plays. we'll do so much.

ok so what. i'm going to be a doctor. a stupid biology chemistry phsyics doctor. whatever. i hate science. i hate chemistry, i hate biology. and i most def hate physics. but that doesn't mean i can't do it. i will. but in the meanwhile. i'm going to making films, play the guitar, and make interesting friends.

see where i am in a year. i'll be lliving in the most putrid of places, suberbia but.... i'll be making art.

yes. i hope i can stay sane.... cause right now... my heart is breaking. and its taking everything in me to not cry.... let me have my distractions... please.

thats all i ask.

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