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3/20/04 10:26 PM
i miss the intellects in life. i really do. reading shauns thing really reminded me of that. i miss talking. the people that i spend the most time with now are ju and rojo. rockets are my life. eh. i like them. i like the people. i need to hang out with rob. he's a decent intellect. i'd enjoy that. sit and talk with him. there are people out there that i would like to talk to. just sit and talk to. wont get the oppertunity but it would be enjoyable. eh.

im not running. in a sense i am but i'm not. i'm coming to terms with what has happened. i am accepting. theres nothing that i can do and i'm tired of saying that and being completly apathetic. but im starting to feel again. feel mad, sad, guilty, whatever it maybe but im feeling it. i am. thats what counts. i know i cant do anything so after feeling i accept and hopefully move on. i did with my mother hating me. i can with jessica. it'll hurt. but i can accept. sometimes i fall. i can get up.

i got the highest grade on the benchmark test for science and it amazes me. I got a better grade then naziear who by far is a genuis. it scares me. but it gives me hope. maybe i can do something with this shattered life. If i apply my self can i go somewhere? i dont know. i dont know. damnit.

lets focus on now. finish rocketry. build rocket. launch it. win.

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Lets see
75th day of 2004
Have i lost my self. I'm terrified to think about her. i really am. im scared. i dont know. there are so many things to put into this. so many. im not scared of "God" but somehting. i dont know its name. i dont know what to call it. i just know. She knows about it. Him. theres no way to explain theres no way to fully have understanding. but im scared. is priscilla dead? this is all i can do from falling deeper in. this is all i can do from falling into a trench that i know i will not be able to come back from. i dont know. this is me running. but saving some little bit of my self. give it time. maybe. in time. but not now. it makes to much sense. not now...

when i have the time. i will write it all out. I've been having dreams. And i had one crucial dream. My dragon was chained. Not good. terrified...

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Monday. 3.8.04 10:17 pm
wrote this earlier:

you know what? life really is beautiful. no matter what happens. you can be alone. you can be sad. you can be all the different stereotypes out there but life. thats something nice. something beautiful. sitting high up in a plane. chilling with friends. or just laying on your bed, looking out the window feeling the wind rush across your face. life is nice.

i really am alone now. no one there. alone and left to my own thoughts but now. it'll be ok. life is still here. no matter what. i still have life right? it'll be ok...

yesterday i started to fall. i found my self lost because i found how alone i was. but now. i dont know. maybe its a good thing. i just dont know...

we shall see.

oh yeah. didnt dream last night. ^_^

learning. its interesting.

writing now:

looking into the movies... it'll be interesting. got a camera on hand. lots of time. good music playing... this will be interesting....

the surreal. its my habitat. come into it. you might like it.

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Saturday. 3.6.04 11:38 pm
I am confused.

so be it.

ok. dreams. i keep dreaming about her. about him. about it all. i need to stop. these dreams are plauging my sleep. tainting it. i wake up and realize so much. sigh. i dont know. cant write about it just cant...

friday is all im waiting for at the moment. comments to be passed about on kid inparticular. hrm.


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Saturday. 3.6.04 11:35 pm
im still confused. i sigh. need somewhere to write. cant write on the old one. cant figure out the new one. stuck between voids. ah. help me.

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ah ok so this is it
63th day of 2004
So this is how it works. couldnt figure it out. i suck. oh well... this is new. as is everything. life is new again. im scared. im dreaming. its not good. past four days in a row i've had dreams. each distinct. two with him on with the other one and one with her. im scared. i dont need to see. but i know. its sick. im terrified. but im learning.

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