I've got 3 outlines due tomorrow for extra credit I desperately need, and I'm not even completely done with the first. I can't plan what I'm going to write if I don't know what to write about, and the lack of inspiration for another two theses is fcuking frustrating.

I'd love to just curl up in bed and go to sleep...for the past weeks, the best moment of each day has always been those transitioning seconds between wakefulness and sleep, when I pull the covers up and my head hits the pillow. I remember when I used to get 9 hours of sleep every day. At this point, those memories seem foreign and unreal. 9 hours?!? I used to want to stay up late--when I was a little kid it was the best small kind of pleasure that I always fought for. I would beg and plead to experience the novelty of seeing the clock tick past my bedtime. On the night of my 11th or 12th birthday, my mom and I were up playing Scrabble at 2 a.m....it was my bright idea.

How I could not have wanted to sleep when I could seems greatly senseless and insane now. It really does.

* * *

I just remembered--I had a dream last night featuring ____. For the first time in months, he was there, playing his part in that night's movie of my mind. His role: a friend. An actual, true, platonic friend. And then this morning: walking down the hall in each other's direction, and not looking away. Was it just me, or was that the slightest shadow of a smile playing on his face? Did it have anything to do with what was in my profile?



"some things haven't changed, but i can tell you a million more that have.


i loved you because of who you were to me.
i let you go for the same reason.





hindi ako nalulungkot. marami ang aking magandang mga alaala tungkol sa'yo, at alam ko ngayon na hanggat kailanman maaalala kita kasi may puesto ka sa puso ko.

i'm not sad. i've got many beautiful memories of you, and i now i'll always remember you forever cause you've got a place in my heart.

goodbye."


So we both walked in the same space without flinching. What does that have to do with anything? There are too many unknowns in this scenario to be sure of the reason. I don't know for a fact that he has my screenname. I guess my mind is just fond of the idea that he's received my message. I'm half hoping he did. The other half would rather not think at all.

But it really doesn't matter...

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