Yesterday was bizzare. I had a really bad headache and I ended up talking to that girl, Sesa from SCN for hours. I mean non-stop talking. Man, shes cooler than I thought she was. By the way, Tabitha is probably going to leave to a girls home, I started to cry when we were on the phone. She didnt know though until I told her later, I hate being vulnerable. I dont like crying, when I know someone knows Im crying and try to comfort me, I push away. Thats how I am, im just like "shut up, leave me alone" *sigh* Whatever, she was being a butthole to me yesterday for awhile, but yeah I do that too, so blah. Evens out I guess, except the way our conversation ended last night really upset me, so I just went to bed right after to sleep on it. So far in my life, im very content. I dont care about who I like, who likes me, none of that bullshit. I just dont give a SHIT. Im happy with just 'me.' I dont need anyone, I just dont. Today I dont think Im going to go online, Im not in the mood to talk to any of my ex's , Im just tired of everything and shit. Woop! My friend Matt got some X. I might buy some from him.. yeah. it should be good. Pink Dophins should do it it makes you hallucinate..it should be interesting. Megans want me to come to the mall with her this weekend to meet up with this girl from MySpace. I think Im going to stay home and sleep.
P.S I hated the way my mom came into my room and cried all night next to me, THINKING i was asleep. That bitch woke me up and I was about to yell at her so she know that I wasnt sleeping and to shut the fuck up and stop her goddamn whining and crying or I will shove something in her mouth and watch her choke on it. Ugh.

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Maggie "You sleep alot..I mean seriously, I dont think thats normal"
Me " I sleep to escape from reality.."

Finally my teachers are noticing I sleep alot in class now and they wonder why but I really dont care. Apparently now, Im not even allowed to sleep in Study Hall, what the fuck? Why cant I? Its 'just' study hall.
Im tired of people asking me "whats wrong?" "are you okay?" "you look mighty tired and out of this world"

Why Yes I am and I really dont mind.
Ive become even more lazier, it seems all I want to do now in my life is just sleep and eat. thats what i do now.
SLEEP AND EAT ALOT!

Im so going to be fat, sooner or later. I will be.
I need to stop liking Cori, I really need to so I can go back to my other self, the other self that just.. well whatever I was before. See, even I forget who I am. Its sad though cause sometimes I can completley forget her and everyone else until little things can make me remind of her.
John "TACOS!"
Me " Heh.. Cori like tacos.."
I think thats the only time I mentioned her today. Yep, since I basically sleep or just zone out and ignore the person. Or just be an ass. I dont think I like Megan that way cause its my bud Megan or maybe it cause I like Cori and I dont want to be liking two people at once but then my scn friend Sesa said I should be with Megan to get over the other person, but thats stupid! That means ill be using Megan, you know? SO BLAH! NO!
Haha John tip was "hey...benefriends.."
me " you mean friends with beneifts"
John "my word is cooler!"

and anyways, Im pretty happy with the way my life is going right now.
EMPTY and LONLEY
<3333333 i heart it.

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Well I havent been really nice latley. Yesterday, I was still treating Tabby kinda mean.. I dont mean too but ugh I dont know. Maybe something is wrong with me? My mom came in and started to yell and cry about who I am. She tells me that she knows me, that Im this girl who fakes my happiness in front of my friends but when in reality I am actually broken and empty inside and that I have no emotion.
whatever, maybe its true but I dont want to hear it.
Ive been drawing...like sketching alot latley ..I only do that when im messed up in the head and Im doing it again..and the last time I ever done something like that was a year ago after Jessica left me. Ugh.
Oh yeah, so anyways, it turns out Megan likes me and is going to break up with Arianna. Maggie told me this, and also the part that Megan plan was to get with me. LoL. I actually knew this..I mean when she found out me about me and Cori she kinda flipped and was like 'be with me.' So Maggie thinks she and I should seriously hook up. I mean I can see the positive things out of this outcome, I mean for one, she goes to my school and I can see her everyday, YAY! and I dont have to worry about her cheating on me and stuff, cause I know Megan and shes a sweet girl and everything. Shes actually one of the few "bi" people I actually trust, like seriously. She never makes me feel left out or anything, shes really affectionate, and loving. She has piercings! *drools* lmao but I dont know. Theres other things..
I still do like Cori, yeah. I admit it, even though I kept denying it to Tabby, I still do but I guess I should move on because I know there wont be any chance for me and her anyways, cause I know that she dosent like me anymore and plus, even probably waiting for her I know theres other people who would want to be with her and Im pretty sure that it wouldnt be me she want to be with toward the end. So Im actually thinking maybe I should get with Megan... but I have no really the desire too.
Well whatever happens, happens.
I will let my life just flow.

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So right now Im at school in my media class and my teacher is checking everyone ad's project.
Okay..so I still sleep in class cause Im still escaping .. running.. but oh my guess what!
I slept in 2nd period and I dreamt of Cori for the first time, well I think I did before but this is the one I can clearly remember. It was so messed up, I dont know why I even dreamed.. yeah. She and I was basically..like hanging at some place , I think it was a class, and she would keep coming around and then keep leaving me and Im just like..okay.... I dont know. it was wierd
Oh fuck my stomache hurts.
oh and my braclet that John got me from venezuela broke before first period. *sad face* ..
Oh shit, I want to apologize.. to everyone about my mood yesterday. I had a major mood swings!!!! I was treating people like.. shit.. well not really..but to the point I was.. ugh. I need to apologize to some people when I get home.

xiris

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I like to avoid
all these feelings inside me
but right now
at this exact moment
its getting to me
Im actually not feeling _empty
and now Im ^scared to even realize what I really feel
and im starting to realize one of the feelings..
i miss her.

but i wish i didnt cause i dont want too.

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on the phone with tabitha
up till 6.am
was so fucking worth it

She is like the only person I can seriously carry a conversation with and tell anything that is on my mind, and even tell the most disturbing thing and she would listen and the funny thing, she ends up thinking stuff like that too.
It sucks she lives in Oregon cause if she was here, I would spoil the shit out of her because I know shes a little spoiled brat and loves ATTENTION like me. I know I dont give that much attention but Im trying.. I know she gives me it, like she is the sweetest person ever. I mean, I know I can be mean but she wont be mean back, like she refused it. Also the fact that she knows every fucking thing about me or what I do.. kinda is creepy but also comforting to know that she knows me, you know? I like how we talk things out , and how she always laugh at stupid shit, I swear, I forget that girl is 14 , i mean she does act like one but when you have a serious conversation with her, you forget that she is even 14!
I mean come on, I dont think I ever met anyone that is younger than me that can be so fucking serious, and have so much of these emotions I have.
I know she still upset about the whole thing with me leaving her for Cori. I didnt mean too in that way in the first place, I didnt want to hurt her like that or make her feel like she is no better cause she is. Shes a good person.

I cant stop replaying the 'convo' we had last night right now..
so Ill stop writing

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