There's work waiting to be done right now...I'm really not in the mood to deal with it. I think I'll just work very well under pressure tomorrow. (That's bad. Yes. I don't care.)

Oh!--now I remember what I wanted to talk about. They caught Saddam Hussein today. I was late catching onto the news--I didn't find out til this afternoon. I couldn't believe it. It was so unreal...but completely awesome. The reason why it was so staggering though, was because even though he wasn't an actual part of my world or a threat to my life, he just existed that way for as long as I've been living. Before bin Laden, he was still a shadow over the world; I remember his notoriety as a child. And now he's gone.

I really hope Uncle Jim can now be pulled out of Iraq...even though the chances of that happening are slim, it would be so great if he could now be transferred somewhere else. Also, I hope that Ishang's brother won't have to ship out there now. She told me he'd called her last week to tell her the news, and she cried. So much has been taken away from her already, there's been so much sadness and heartbreak in her life as it is--the last thing she needs is the added weight of her brother going over there. Until she's legal, Christian is her and their mom's only hope of reuniting. He's the only one who can set up the emigration process with their mom. He's the only one who can get them a place to live.

Whenever I think of things I want to happen in my life, one thing that ranks up there is seeing Ishang reunited with her family. It's probably in my top five or six things I want to happen.

She deserves to be happy so much. Anytime she's down it's hard to make her feel better because she's in a completely different, completely worse situation from me, so the things I say end up sounding patronizing, even though it wasn't my intention at all. I've been telling her for as long as we've known each other what I believe--I've been telling her that her day will come. It might take a while, but it'll come. I still believe that.

I have faith that one day she'll find herself waiting anxiously at the airport terminal, and the door will open with an announcement that a flight is unloading. In the crowd of people flooding out she will see her mother, her mother will see her, and after a moment of disbelief, after a smile of sheer happiness begins to spread across their faces and tears spring to their eyes they're going to run to each other. Then they're all going to hug and laugh and cry, and they're not going to want to let go because it's not going to have sunk in yet that they aren't dreaming.

Something like that should happen to her. Something better than that, because for the past years since she's been here in the States it's been the same story. Four birthdays without her family. Only occasional letters or phone calls with her mom. Not being able to go anywhere at any time because she's worse than fucking Cinderella. Cleaning house for an asshole pair of relatives (stepbrother and sister-in-law), taking care of three spoiled kids...

I know all of these things make her a stronger person. But how much is life going to keep throwing everything at her before she breaks? She's come close a few times already, thank God she talks to me or else something might have happened. And it's frustrating that all I can do is listen and be there. It's not enough. Why the hell can't I have the power to make people's problems go away? Why can't I bring her mom and brother to her? Why can't I create better, less stressful jobs for my parents? Why can't I give my grandparents and godfather obscene amounts of money? Why can't I build more open and honest relationships between Auntie AD, Auntie CM, and Dreamer on the East Coast? Why can't I cure SM, Auntie AD and my godfather?

I'm not God. I'm not nature. I'm not fate or destiny or Buddha or Jesus or anything. I'm not even a helpful person.

At least, not now. Someday I will be. Everything will be all set. My parents, brother, grandparents, godfather, cousins... they won't have to worry. Someday I'll be able to pay them back twice over for everything they've done for me, and even though I'll never be able to give them perfect lives I'll at least be able to help pay for the high and ever-rising cost of living. That's what it's all about. After this entire useless period of the world revolving around high school and college, after working my way up to a stable position in life, the light at the end of the tunnel is me making my family's lives easier.

Once I'm there, it's all good. The big picture's done, framed and hanging on the wall.

Well...maybe not. I haven't mentioned anything about a love life. Then again, that's something no one can ever plan for.


* * *

This has turned into something completely out of control. Damn stream of consciousness writing. I'll stop here.

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