what a strange thing, one of the most debated things in life.

when I was younger I wanted to find my the one, but Ive come to realised Y might not exist.

Relationships are something slowly built up, your perceptions of people change through the years. Your enemy sometimes becomes one of the people you treasure most. Its hard to say what makes me get on with someone and what makes me not get along with them.

I have to say I'm more of one of those people that gets along with people because the other person wants to get along with me. I'm as close to them as they want to be. I've always been like this. The others made the decisions, in ways they decided whether we were friends or not. This became more apparent a I grew older, I almost came to accept certain things like friends moving away.I felt that they wanted to move away from me. Sometimes obviously I myself played a part as I didn't make enoguh effort either, but if they wanted me back I would be.

However when asking Shaneeza about Helen who has moved away from both of us, I said maybe we should face it, caus shes been to so many new places, seen new things thats she's changed, not the person we once knew.
But then she said: what if I don't want to give tht person up?
I said: It's not our choice,
she said: A relationship is a two way thing, what if I dont want to let go?

A valid point. How come I couldnt have just thought like that? thats why i look u to S, lik an older sister I never had. She's a v.good person.

Maybe in fact she treasures everyone around her more than I do?

no, I dont think so , I think maybe I thought that I was doing the right thing just letting them go in ways. Didn't affect me as much as I thoguht it would... when will I say stop? and make the effort and fight for the bond between 2 people? Distance really tests friendship.

Back to love. I have a far more down to earth view now. I just want to find Y, someone that I can communicate with well, understands me, I used to want to be loved. Now I want someone to love. to treasure. to hold onto and never let go. Yet am I brave enough to do that? to let myself go, even though Y might not want me? How hard can it be to fall in love? Ive never been in love. I before just wanted someone to lvoe me, and I'd love them back. But realised tht its different, trying to love someone who you do not love is different. to being with someoe who u actually love, who can make u happy by jut being with them.

I guess I shouldnt hurry. one day I'll meet this person, maybe I'll realise one day that it someone ive known all my life. hahha although tht thought right nw is quite strange.

Do I want to fall in love? or just to love?

thts something totally different. I can love a puppy, a little stray I've picked off the road. But I can't be in love. I wonder what I want. Something to care for? No, I've always had that. Maybe I want to be in love, and yet I can't because I hold back.

I think it also has soemthing to do with the fact that I never make as much effort as I should, I place too much in the hands of fate. I never pursue something which I want, never pursued in that sense. Always waited for things to come to me, and if they didnt I wasnt sad. But Ive never went and wanted something and got it. Do I believe I can do it?

I want one day to fall in love.

I want one day to be able to show more of myself that I am able to.

I want one day to make the world a beautiful place, no matter how much I have to sacrifice to get there.

xxxx

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