So tired… not just exhaustion in my body,

But my mind.

So tired of life.

I feel like I’m running, and I feel I’m losing the motivation to run. Not because of myself, but because of other more this time.

Feel like I’m weighed more with other’s expectations, others who rely on me to do this for them, and more and more I grow tired of trying to live up to these expectations.

Right now H expects quite a few things from me, Y expects things from me, T expects things from me, I expect things from myself, my prnts expect things from me O expects less from me but there are still expectations. Things they’ve also asked me to do.

I hate my empathy sometimes, because I understand why they want me to do it, why me doing it might actually be better than them doing it themselves, why me doing it would help them, why the need me for this. Why I’m sometimes helping two people at the same time.

This makes me scheme, I try to make things work, without even the person who’s asked for this to happen knowing that I’m doing this. Because even though they asked me for help, the results usually look like a chance – good luck. But really its subtle.

I asked P how to truly like someone from the heart yesterday.

She didn’t really answer me.

I think I think it hard as I grew older to like someone so purely because of my own personality.

It’s a good point of my personality that I don’t blame others, I don’t really have expectations from them and more expect things from myself. I’m rarely disappointed and in ways have to improve myself. Making me better.

But this also means I don’t believe in other people. I don’t have those expectations. How can I like someone without first believing in them? Its that fundamental? To be able to expect things, to trust them?

However I’d say I trust people, I trust them that they are a good person. But maybe I don’t fully believe everything they say they’ll do for me. I trust them when they say they’ll do things, but in ways when it has anything to do with me I don’t expect it.

Maybe I should learn to have expectations. Then, maybe that’s taking the first step.

But changing the basis of my personality isn’t a good thing. I thought it was a good point of my personality to not have expectations of other people?

I don’t know why life has got so tiring recently, I seem to lose my enthusiasm for things. How do I get it back?

I thought up a project, project A. Using X would be too common. By to carry out project A rather than just to plan it takes a lot more time. I wonder if I would bother in the end. I guess its positive though.

With Y recently, I feel like we’re very different people. I think her main problem is that 他想不开, I think you have to look at tings more openly. Otherwise it just gets worse and worse. Every time she tells me things now, and she’s upset it always seems to be why its upsetting HER, how she feels that people shouldn’t be this way. I’m trying to show her that she can’t blame other for the way they are, because others would the just blame her for the way she is. That maybe her expectations are too high? But she doesn’t expect them to do more, but quite the contrary she expects them to do less, but doing less is a high expectation when its someone you care about.

I also told her, I was scared, that one day she would feel this way about me. She hates people telling her what to do. I never really have, I’ve let her make her own decisions because she is her own person. But what if one day when we’re older, she does something which I am not able to accept? Like class A drugs? Or hurt people for fun? I’m not saying that she would, but if she did something that I really couldn’t tolerate, wouldn’t she just them treat me like how she does the others? And start to hate me?

She said she wouldn’t, because mainly its parents and parents have an authority over her and that’s why it gets that way. And I would be suggesting rather than commanding.

Does a parent want whats best for their kid?

I don’t know what would happen in the future. I can’t say things to people. I think in the future she might be one of those people who I wouldn’t have quite a few things I’m unable to say to. Maybe ever since we were young in a way I’m scared, of her anger, ever being directed at me.

Maybe its because I still don’t understand enough, but in ways I feel like she threatens others with her depression? That’s the wrong way to say things. But that if bad things happen she may go into depression like before and that would be really bad. But again that’s thinking about herself. Can she really understand what its also like for others? A lot of people manage to pull themselves out of depression, I don’t expect her to have the will and be able to, because its not an easy thing, but cant she think more positively?

Maybe I should try to show her a more positive world. I don’t know how to really do that tho. In ways even I can see it, when she manipulates me. I’m not as stupid as I look or scheme, I know it, but I don’t think she knows I know it. She thinks me naïve, I just prefer to act like I don’t know. Because if she knows I know that creates another situation. Its better this way. I know her traps and I know when its there, I just step into them knowing theyre there.

I think maybe she is getting better.

But before anything. I think she needs to start understand the people around her. I could get caught up in my own depression, but I realise that there are people who have much more right to be depressed than me, yet they pick themselves up and get on with life. If they can do it, I can do it.

That the world is good and good people are rewarded because theyre happier.

It scared me the way she thinks sometimes. She wanted me to do something but then I said my parents wouldn’t let me do that, and I would have to check first. But then she said to me, whats the worst they can do? Let them do it. But that’s not the thing, its not because what the parents can do, but its almost like having a family code which you must obey. You don’t obey it because otherwise you get punished, but you obey it because of morals? Because its ur family? Because its expected? Its hard to explain. But she doesn’t seem to understand that people don’t do things, not just because there is a punishment. But maybe she doesn’t understand why the punishment is there in the first place? That its for our own good, to learn?

I do feel sorry for her. I used to feel sorry for her more. But when she cares so much for herself already, my sorrow goes out to those who don’t care about themselves that much and have no-one to care for them still.

Maybe I find it strange how I can relate to certain things?

/That I sometimes would actually take the other side?

I don’t know….

I don’t know what to do about H either. She’s different from what I originally thought. She is a good person, but I realised everything is to an extent. I guess I was disappointed, I thought she was further than she actually was. Not disappointed, surprised?

I hate it when people end up forcing me to do things, because I don’t feel like I can refuse. I don’t show it, but inside I get more and more frustrated.

Tired…………

I wish I could believe in people more.

Had a strange dream, seemed like almost an parallel universe, maybe in the future, some sort of shopping centre, lots of people I know there. Why was I fighting someone I knew? Strange emotions throughout the dream, all the different people I knew who they were but in a way different to how they are. I think I was scared for part of the dream as well.

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