over austin. hell fucking yes. ryan and i worked together all day today. which was pretty nice. we flirted all day. which was nice. then we did the garbage together. flirted. kissed. made out. so he's not as good as a kisser as austin, but i can fix that. but he obviously cares about me. because he's going way slower than i'd like to. but whatever. well, i guess he's going slower than i'm used to. but i love it when he holds me. it's so nice, comforting. he wants to see my house, and wants me to come over one day.. hmm.
me- so is this your first statutorical relationship?
ryan- yes..
me- hm. oh, and i'd like to keep this kind of quiet.
ryan- yeah, like i'm going to tell anyone
me- aww, ryan will be in jail
ryan- well, that'll be because i'm a guy
me- and youre older than me
ryan- well, it's not rape if youre okay with it
me- maybe you should look up statutory rape in the dictionary...
smoked last ngiht with liana, and the night before. both times when we opened the car doors, smoke came out like a monster. it was funny as hell. it made it even more funny because we were stoned. lorraine gave me some pot today. just a little, enought o fill up my pipe. i'm so stoked to try it, she says it hella good. ryan said he was going to smoke with me, but i decided not to tongiht because i gt picked up at 8. but come wednesday... ooohla laaaaa. tuesday im hanging out with ryan. excited for that. and we're definately doing something after thanksgiving. woo hoo

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these last couple of adays have been pretty miserable. i've been moaning and groaning over austin. i guess i was more attached than i thought... not a good thing at all. i've been having all these suicidal thoughts in my head recently. thats not good either. but today was pretty nice. well, really nice. i found a good solution to help one's heartache... find another boy. ryan picked me up today around noon-ish, and we hung out for most of the afternoon. he took me out to lunch, we walked around downtown carmel, barnyard and the crossroads. ooh, went to the beach, spent some time together, held hands. awwww, how cute. i stayed sober. omg, been sober for more than a week, and i'm dying. anyway, i might've fallen asleep in his car for a little, i don't know. i was really tired, as i am now. but we had a couple good laughs, "beating each other up", hugging. it was nice, to get my mind off of everything else in my life. be it austin, college, grades, whatever. although it's still weird to think he's 24. and i'm so attracted to him. but i always seem to be attracted to those older, or more mature. but he's 24! i could get him arrested for dating me. or something. i don't know. i didn't kiss him, because of my cold sore. if i didn't, i wonder how he would've reacted... i'd like to think he'd like it, but he might resist, just because of the jail factor. i can't wait until i'm 18. i will be SO legal, bitches. oh, there's this freshman boy who keeps following me. it's a little scary... he's nice and all, but he talks to me as much as he can, even when i'm busy. it's flattering and all, but yeah.

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i've been stone cold sober for 6 days. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. i miss my drugs. lydias bringing me a pipe tomorrow. im sooo stoked. i want to smoke with kevin and austin. maybe satruday a la shoe game. austin and i havent done anythng for a while. i think we're over. we'll probbaly screw around if we're lonely or bored or something. but i dont know. i think im starting to like ryan again. good bad? i dont know. but hes suppppper flirtacious. liana and lorraine say hes totally crushing, which i didnt really notice because i was so into austin. but now im noticing it more. its good, i'm getting over austin... but ryans leaving pretty soon now, i think. i just dont know what to do. i need to smoke. reeeeeal bad. oh my gosh. im getting so damn dependent on these damn drugs. thats means im getting addicted. shit.

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work was pretty okay tonight. worked with joe and liana most of the night. at like, 7-something liana and i went out an smoked a motha. hahaha, that was so bad. i was trippin' balls. i fuckin jumped a mile everytime there was a sudden noise, or someone walked behind me. austin came in with his mom, and i had a heartattack because i saw him. then when he and his mom came up and bought their stuff, i was so glazed over. sally was talking to me, and i'm all in outer space. said bye to austin, faintly. liana was all hmmmmm. then like, 30 mins later i'm all "ohh shit that was so bad." lianas like "what was?' and i'm all "that was my boyfriends mom!!!!!" we were laughing so hard. tonight was fun though. no more drugs at work. mikey was telling me on the bus how waxer felt bad about me leaving on saturday at the party. he thought i left because he showed up. he felt bad about that i guess. whatever. i think it's annoying how he thinks i'm still obsessed with him. but whatever, what ever floats his boat i guess.

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hahaha, i just went back and re-read that last entry. i was so fucked up. lol. it was hella fun though, which is sweet. austin drove me to work yesterday. it was SO nice, because we didn't have to give anyone else a ride (ie- jacob, dylan, will) so we had a whole hour to ourselves. for the first 25 mins, we were just talking, chilling, laughing. which was cool. then he did (what i LOVE) and leaned over, grabbed the side of my face, and kissed me. you know, like they do in the movies. it was cute. we started making out, doing what we always do. i gave him head, for like 15 minutes. i know he enjoyed that, i made him come so much, he started twitching. then i stopped, and we sat there relaxing, arms in arms. holding and rubbing each other. then i had to go get ready for work. he didn't visit me on my break, which is good, because break is NOT enough time for us. especially 10 mins. which i've been limited to, because i've abused my privilages. lol. i'm working 6-10 tonight and tomorrow night, i'm so excited for that because i'm working with liana. and liana and i are going to get stoned on her lunch/my break. woooo hoo. and i think austins giving me a ride on thursday. i start thursday at 5 or so, and get out of school at 215.... soooo yah. i'm thinknig of having sex with austin, but i'm not sure. i thinnk i just want to keep it at oral sex for now.

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today was fuckin sweet. didn't really do much up until 7 or so, though. lillian picked me up at the mall, and we drove out to the lan shack to pick up nathan to go out and buy us alcohol. then we dropped nathan off again. picked up matt and lance at safeway. ryan saw me, because i needed to cash a check to pay back nathan, and he's all questioning me. monday might be a long night. but anyway. we got capt morgans parrot bay, raspberyy and oragnce bicardi. raspbery is my favorite. i got hella fuckin stoned once i got to katherines. i was so high, and i was laughing at like everything being said. then like 2 mins into my high, i took a shot of raspberry bicardi and hansons raspb soda, and got even more high becsuse my blood pressure rose. we watched gothika, and that hella freaked me out. kevin and anyssa, specwalker and whitney wrere supposed to come, but wont for a nother couple hours or so. and just as i was leaving, zach mother fuckin waxer, mikey, will, jacque, birday, terris, chaz,willey, marijke, ernest and a couple other people i dont know showed up. and i'm all, ohh fuck no, i want to hella stary. but idcouldbt because i was already past my curfew. curew mother fucking sucks. then i was telling weezil abojt austin and i. and she was telling me about her annd matt. then othe rstuff. she drove me home, since she was the designated friver. but she went back, which i wish i hella couldve done. but oh well, what are you suposed to do?

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