today was sweet. last night was sweet. i worked by myself, but i talked to austin from like 10 until 2 in the morning. this is bad: i'm starting to like austin. bad because he's one of my best friends. so i'm just going to let this crush kind of hover there. i went to kevin's house today, we smoked some weed, chilled, ate. haha. he helped me with some algebra, so that's all out of the way. which is good. i wanted to go bowling tonight. reeeeally bad. but austin hasnt gotten home yet. oh well. anyway, i'm kind of tired, and i still kind of smell like weed. soo i think i'm going to take a shower and burn the incense.

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im so fucking pissed with my mom rght now. fuck. she never listens to me, which reeeealy fucking pisses me off. shes like my boss, but worse. if only she could see the world from my point of view, she'd understand just a little. and thats all i want. is for her to understand just a little. austin called me last night, wanted to know if i was at work, and when i got off, so i could smoke a bowl with him. but alas, i wasnt working last night. im working tonight though, so i think hes picking me up, and well probably go out to seaside or alvarado. notsure yet. then toomrrow, we're going to go smoke with kevin at kevins house. it's all going to be me kevin, austin ,jacob, rorss, spencers, ian a, and a couple other people i dont know. there might be a slight chance i hang out with ryan tomorrow morning. i hope so. i'm still like in love with him. and hes going to be leaving soon, which totally breaks my heart. right now, all i want is a hug. and suport. and i dont know. and i fucking dont work with ryan tongiht. greeeeat. actualyl, i dont think i work with anyone. this is wonderful . at least i'll have some quiet time to reflect. or think. or whatever. fucking scream. shit.im out.

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andy's still calling me. i think he should be put on a restraining order, he's starting to creep me out. i'm still in love with ryan. i have a teeny tiny crush on austin. austin visited me today. i might hang out with ryan on saturday morning before he goes to work. i'm so upset! he's transfering to pg!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhh what am i going to do??!? ugh. this sucks. then saturday i'm chillin with kevin and the crew, they'll be getting some weed, so i'm hella stoked for that. i'm 100% clean right now. i'm wayyy passed my 60 days. so weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. i think we're going to ian's. s'off the heezy fo sheezy.

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ooooh man. i just wanted zach like burning. that is baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad news. shit. well it's a good thing we never talk, so it was super short lived. the only thing i miss about him is the constant feeling of being loved. and the sexual, uh, acts we performed. dude, it's been damn forever for me. shit. whatever, justin m and i exchanged phone numbers last night at the homecoming dance. and if he's the way he was a couple years ago, he's a total nympho. plus, he's so fucking hot, i can't stand it. he could make me have an orgasm standing up, which is pretty good. then there's always andy, but i'm trying to ignore him. he called me yesterday morning. and ryan hangs out with him all the time, and ryan says he always asks about me. which is really fucking creepy. hahahha, this has turned into my sex-or lack thereof- journal. kind of like lydia's boy journal. but lydia is a fucking whore, and she writes about every screw she's ever had, which is nasty. can you say std-land? ewwwww. haha but i love her.

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jamiesavdtheday: hi hi
WispyLashes2: hello
WispyLashes2: how is the night?
jamiesavdtheday: young and restless
WispyLashes2: isnt that a good charlotte something or other?

jamiesavdtheday: no idea
WispyLashes2: haha, i have been listening to too much emo
jamiesavdtheday: lol
jamiesavdtheday: but you like to kill emos, remember
WispyLashes2: yeah, until i became one
WispyLashes2: jk
jamiesavdtheday: lol
WispyLashes2: so hows that life thing
jamiesavdtheday: hmm
jamiesavdtheday: it's confusing
WispyLashes2: confusing pourquoi?
jamiesavdtheday: so much stuff is coming at me so fast, i'm having troubles dealing with it all
WispyLashes2: well that makes one of us
WispyLashes2: =-p
jamiesavdtheday: =p
WispyLashes2: like school work?
jamiesavdtheday: like schoolwork, workwork, homestuffs
jamiesavdtheday: lovesstuffs
WispyLashes2: lovesstuff?
jamiesavdtheday: everythings
WispyLashes2: you finally give into andy?
jamiesavdtheday: ew
jamiesavdtheday: no
WispyLashes2: ok, keep
WispyLashes2: it strong sister
jamiesavdtheday: i like ryan again. errrrgg
WispyLashes2: ryan?
WispyLashes2: well at least he showers
jamiesavdtheday: lol
jamiesavdtheday: he makes me feel speical
jamiesavdtheday: like happy special
jamiesavdtheday: you know?
WispyLashes2: like the kind of special where you ask for chicken, and they say they dont have it, but they offer to make it for you if you wait on it 10minutes special?
jamiesavdtheday: something like that, lol
WispyLashes2: yeah, ok now youre speaking my lingo
jamiesavdtheday: hehe
WispyLashes2: i love that feeling
jamiesavdtheday: me too
WispyLashes2: does he know?
jamiesavdtheday: yes
WispyLashes2: what does he think?
jamiesavdtheday: its annoying though. becuae he's super flirtacious. and i'm pretty sure he lieks me too...he just doesnt want to admit it because hes way older
jamiesavdtheday: so he always has to remind himself "youre too young"
WispyLashes2: well if he admitted it, it could really "fuck things up" with him
jamiesavdtheday: er. i'm too young
jamiesavdtheday: yah it could
WispyLashes2: yeah, dont worry, ive been there
WispyLashes2: and hes even older than the guys ive dated
jamiesavdtheday: ya
WispyLashes2: so its probably even harder for him
jamiesavdtheday: probably
WispyLashes2: and if he likes you a lot, it must suck
WispyLashes2: because he has to try to forget about it because of the age difference
jamiesavdtheday: he hugs me a lot, which makes my day better
jamiesavdtheday: a lot
jamiesavdtheday: :-)
WispyLashes2: well just let it be what it is, but i wouldnt get my hopes up... if you really like it, wait it out... youve only got a year and some odd months until youre old enough
WispyLashes2: really like him***
jamiesavdtheday: yah
WispyLashes2: ;-)
jamiesavdtheday: so how is things going with you
WispyLashes2: and if you both keep working at safeway...
jamiesavdtheday: lol
WispyLashes2: things with me?
jamiesavdtheday: oui
WispyLashes2: im pretty numb right now actually
jamiesavdtheday: :-):-\:-(??
WispyLashes2: well, i heard from kathryn that spencers doing drugs again
jamiesavdtheday: ugh
WispyLashes2: and that just makes me sad, because he was my reason for cleaning up my act
WispyLashes2: but other than that, im actually really good
jamiesavdtheday: thats good
WispyLashes2: im not sad anymore
jamiesavdtheday: =)
jamiesavdtheday: i'm glad, i don't like it when my weezilbabe is sad
WispyLashes2: only memories now and again, but dealing with them is getting a lot easier, ya know
WispyLashes2: yeah
WispyLashes2: its no fun
WispyLashes2: there is no weazling to be had, when i am sad
jamiesavdtheday: :'(
WispyLashes2: ooh that was a bomb ass rhyme if i ever heard one
jamiesavdtheday: lol
WispyLashes2: hows school going?
jamiesavdtheday: uh
jamiesavdtheday: not so great
jamiesavdtheday: i'm just having troubles with reading
WispyLashes2: junior year, hardest
jamiesavdtheday: like, i'll read something, then i'll totally forget everythingabout it the next day
jamiesavdtheday: so im not doing so great in my am lit class-which i love, or algebra, because theres so many steps to remember
WispyLashes2: i wonder if theres anything you can do to help with that
jamiesavdtheday: i don't know
WispyLashes2: i know how you feel about algebra
jamiesavdtheday: i've recently started taking notes as i read
WispyLashes2: i am the sucks at higher algebra
WispyLashes2: yeah, thats what i do
jamiesavdtheday: but thats kind of hard, because then i lose the flow
WispyLashes2: well... not with novels, but with text
jamiesavdtheday: so i've had to read things twice over, which sucks because its time consuming
WispyLashes2: thats a pain
jamiesavdtheday: and i dont have time to consume
jamiesavdtheday: yah
WispyLashes2: maybe you just have to totally focus on what youre doing?
WispyLashes2: when i really concentrate i remember things easier
jamiesavdtheday: yah, i dont listen to music anymore when i do my homework
jamiesavdtheday: i sit by myself, in an empty room with no computers
WispyLashes2: hahha the computer is a big distraction for me sometimes too
WispyLashes2: its tempting cause i know wholl be there to talk
jamiesavdtheday: yeah
WispyLashes2: or stalk...
WispyLashes2: or whatever it is that i do whilst onlin
WispyLashes2: e
jamiesavdtheday: lol
WispyLashes2: so are you going to farmers tomorrow?
jamiesavdtheday: i dont know
jamiesavdtheday: i need to find the mst schedule
jamiesavdtheday: beucase i dont need to be at wrok until 5
WispyLashes2: i would totally give you a ride, but im not going down there till later and then i have powderpuff
jamiesavdtheday: yah..
jamiesavdtheday: so i just might forget it, and catch it next tuesday i have off
WispyLashes2: yeah
WispyLashes2: totally go and get the full experience
WispyLashes2: its almost zenlike
jamiesavdtheday: that way i wont have to scurry about looking for a ride
jamiesavdtheday: lol
WispyLashes2: all the smells and stuff
jamiesavdtheday: i love farmers
jamiesavdtheday: i havent been there forever
WispyLashes2: yeah, its a trip thats for sure
jamiesavdtheday: since like summer, when evan and all them were still out here
WispyLashes2: evan?
WispyLashes2: oh kevins evan
jamiesavdtheday: rosen
jamiesavdtheday: no no no
WispyLashes2: ohhh
WispyLashes2: ok
jamiesavdtheday: kevins evan
jamiesavdtheday: you're just a rhymin machine tonight, arent you?
WispyLashes2: yes, im a fabulous freak, a chicken lickin super geek
jamiesavdtheday: lol
WispyLashes2: who tries way too damn hard
jamiesavdtheday: hehe
WispyLashes2: im a fucking retard damnit
WispyLashes2: haha
jamiesavdtheday: :-P

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i can't stop thinking about ryan. it's almost unhealthy. but he doesn't really make it very easy for me either, being so damned flirtacious and all. if he weren't, school would be so much easier to focus on. but wow, i really like him. we almost kissed today. i could feel it. but then joe had to walk in. i was thinking "goddamnitihatemylife" but whatever. maybe next time. although i only work with him for an hour and a half tomorrow. hmmm. i dont work with him wednesday, but i think we work together on thursday... AHHHHHH omg i'm obsessed! this so isn't me. he's taking over my brain! but i love him! oh man.

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