these last couple of adays have been pretty miserable. i've been moaning and groaning over austin. i guess i was more attached than i thought... not a good thing at all. i've been having all these suicidal thoughts in my head recently. thats not good either. but today was pretty nice. well, really nice. i found a good solution to help one's heartache... find another boy. ryan picked me up today around noon-ish, and we hung out for most of the afternoon. he took me out to lunch, we walked around downtown carmel, barnyard and the crossroads. ooh, went to the beach, spent some time together, held hands. awwww, how cute. i stayed sober. omg, been sober for more than a week, and i'm dying. anyway, i might've fallen asleep in his car for a little, i don't know. i was really tired, as i am now. but we had a couple good laughs, "beating each other up", hugging. it was nice, to get my mind off of everything else in my life. be it austin, college, grades, whatever. although it's still weird to think he's 24. and i'm so attracted to him. but i always seem to be attracted to those older, or more mature. but he's 24! i could get him arrested for dating me. or something. i don't know. i didn't kiss him, because of my cold sore. if i didn't, i wonder how he would've reacted... i'd like to think he'd like it, but he might resist, just because of the jail factor. i can't wait until i'm 18. i will be SO legal, bitches. oh, there's this freshman boy who keeps following me. it's a little scary... he's nice and all, but he talks to me as much as he can, even when i'm busy. it's flattering and all, but yeah.

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